Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

hey hey hey... that's not funny. but that biting the nail one was hilarious ^_^

this was probably written by a group of bitter women

:lol: some of those were funny, but of course none of them apply to me! B)

i didnt get the biting nail one..

lol the biting nail one was meaning toe nails.

i know a guy that admitted to doing that, in the shower. i was like uhhh yuck!

hmm yeah hes lonely :lol:

hahahahahahahaha. you know, if you are ever feeling really really pissed at a guy, go find "i hate men" by cole porter from the musical "kiss me, kate." you will laugh forever. it's a really demeaning song. and some arrogant boys here *coughcough* need to hear it, too! but still, HAHAHAHAHA.

who would be arrogant?? i speak a divine truth so i cant be the arrogant one... :lol:

Funny, but it's one sided. Just like everything.

haha. dont make me laugh so hard. please.

does anyone notice that only the guys are complaining about this?
and the one girl that replied is informing us of even more funny men bashing material?

well, i find that quite hilarious. thank you.

hehe those r funny ^_^

hmmm Azn_Chris we need to make a lil some some for our...female friends! :lol: :lol: :lol:

hey hey hey no fair!! its not like i made this up!

:D :D thats not sanctuary enough! :lol: :lol: evil laughing! :lol: :lol:

im sooo scared....horrified is more like it...ive gone into costume... :ph43r: ...you will never find me....mwahhahahahaha!!!!

well of course only males are complaining because it does not do any female bashing

if i posted 10 reasons why my a hand is better than a woman i bet you would have something to say

id say im much better than your hand :huh:

Rofl that sounds so dirty. AHAHAHAHAH. lol jkjk. here's some WOMEN bashing jokes. hehehhe.

Female Bashing
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced

and some jokes!!

The Cost of Woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."


"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

Getting Out of a Ticket
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?

If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Ten Years Bad Luck
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"


remember I didn't make any of these, so ya, hehehehe.

:lol: :lol: funny funny funny. Hmm what will steph do...

lol those didnt offend me at all...i guess im not as easily offended by things, because i know those things aren't true...but the male bashing things were true..and therefore thats why you guys were so easily offended...haha! and by the way in the first female bashing joke...the one where God made adam a woman...it was his own darn fault that we women dont have all those great qualities..cause he had to be all greedy...and the perfect couple and santa claus joke...it said there is no perfect man..so ha again! and it doesnt offend me that it makes the remark about the women crashing...im the one with a totalled car. so ha again! i already know thats true...although it wasnt my fault..but still...at least i can drive and 96% of you youngins cant...so ha again! so hahahahahaha!

okay im done...what now rogue?

....well i can drive! and..uh...thats all :(

mwahahahahahaha! you cant phase me boys! you just keep on tryin, k?

if it didn't offend you then why did you point out flaws?

Pointing out that the flaws are what's not offending her maybe..? And seriously, who's actually offended by these? They're jokes. Jeez.

the flaws are kinda my way of throwing the back in your guys' face i guess, since they were meant to offend (don't deny it..thats what you were goin for..) and i just pointed out they kinda made us look better (? i guess) so blah!

say all you want, but when the day is over yall will come crawling back


j/k hehe

Lol, but what about the one about the perfect woman? I mean comon, she's perfect and still crashed the car lol.

why cant women drive? and also why do they drive the biggest vehicles to (all those suv's)

Tsktsktsk, so stereotypical. Shame on you... SHAME!!!

lol im perfect...yet ive wrecked a couple times...hahaha...and i want a huge ace mother effin truck...a really really big one!

hahaa hurmous...

humorous** and that's less than five words.

yes, there are many flaws in men and women. cant we ust get over them? as the saying goes:

i think we should all just act like the mature young adults we are. ha. ha. ha. *chortle chortle*