I know that I have been neglecting this forum for quite a while, and believe me, I wish it were not this way.
I love my fish, I love Unique, and I love all you guys her on Unique, but as the song goes, sometimes love just ain't enough.
Some of you know, some of you don't know, I suffer from severe and chronic depression.When I say severe, I am not sure you all know exactly what I mean. I mean bad enough that some times I have thought of suicide, but it was just too much effort. Severe enough that every day, it is struggle to get out of bed, to care about anything, even this board, even my fish, even myself.
It is hard to admit that, but it is the truth. Truth hurts.
I had a lifting of the melancholia a couple months ago, but then it came crashing back down on me. At least I am not as crippled by it as I was. I am maintaining.
But it is not an easy thing to do.
I push myself to find things to do, to make myself interact, when all I want to do is curl up on a dark corner somewhere and hide form the world forever sometimes. Oftentimes.
Today, this week, really hasn't been so bad.
I have been sorting through my fish, and setting up some pairs in their beanies. Seeing what I have to work with...
I am surprised, though, I am missing a fish, and I don't know what happened to it.
This is most upsetting, because it is my only male out of Shifting Gears that is missing. I did have a fish a couple weeks ago, and it has driving me crazy, because I didn't know what fish it was, because for some odd reason, the beanie was unmarked. And I use Sharpies to write on the beanies, so no way it got smudged or wiped off, that stuff only comes out with the application of rubbing alcohol. And taking the name/number off a beanie is the very LAST thing I do when sterilizing a beanie... I am wondering now if it could have been him, which is insane, because his beanie was marked. Marking a beanie is the very FIRST thing I do, even before I put a fish in a new beanie...
So now I am looking at empty beanies to see if I can find his beanie.
Yeah, I haven't sterilized any of the beanies that any fish died in, because it was just too much work.
Now I am doing it.
Another odd thing. I have a beanie in front of me that is numbered 7A37.04. Now I looked that up, and it is a female platinum cambo by Jamaica out of Stigma Red.
The thing is, I don't remember any cambos dying on me.
Not only that, I am almost sure that I sent this fish to the show with Nate. WITH her beanie..
So where in the world did THIS one come from pray tell?
I swear, those darned aliens are messing with my head much. Ir elves, or spirits, or something.
I am just going to have to take a gander at the beanies when I get the fish in a couple weeks, cause Nate stole my fish until PABS. In the meanwhile, I'll have to label this one don't erase.
So, yeah, I have some work to do, getting thing set right. I am hoping that I can. There is something that I believe. That word becomes action.
That by saying I am going to do something, it will motivate me to do just that, because I strive in all things to be someone that keeps their word.
Maybe this will help me where therapy hasn't done a bit of good, (nor medication for that matter).
I don't know. Maybe I will scare away those of you who have stayed loyal to this site. Maybe this will make the site more interesting.
Again, I don't know.
But I need to do something, and this is what I have chosen to do.
So, welcome to my world. It is a wild and crazy ride, a bit scary, definitely fun, and certainly educational. THIS is the true book of LaBella.