Recap del primer capitulo de la segunda temporada:


At the end of Season One of South of Nowhere, the camera faded out on Spencer and Ashley's ridiculously overdue kiss, and I felt like Carol Lynley in The Poseidon Adventure -- all decked out in some fabulous hot pants, lip-synching, “There's got to be a morning after…”

The Poseidon Adventure. 1973. No, not the updated version with a sassy gay hero and Fergie as the doomed lounge singer. I mean the original, the one with Shelly Winters swimming for her life.

The fact that I'm old enough to know the song from The Poseidon Adventure or anything about Carol Lynley's pants — hot or not — is just one more reason why I probably shouldn't be so wrapped up in a tv show about two queer teenagers.

But I am. And, mercifully, there is a morning after SON's Season One finale so very many months ago.

Ashley's Love Shack — We get our first glimpse of The New Spencer — the improved, finally-been-(at the very least)-kissed-by–a-girl model. She's just where we left her at the end of last season, in Ashley's bed. I can't think of a better place for her, but what happened there is still up for grabs.

Did they or didn't they?

I'm on record as saying they did. But I'll admit that maybe that was just wishful thinking. After spending a whole season watching these two crawl to first base, maybe I was just afraid that my social security check wouldn't cover cable fees when and if they ever got around to sex!

Spencer looks angelic as usual as she dozes, but when her eyes flutter open she sees that the space beside her is empty. Has our little heartbreaker Ashley already ditched Spencer for a new conquest?

Nope. Before the word “Ashley” is even out of Spencer's mouth, Ash says, “I'm right here.”

Sure, Ashley's a bad girl, but she's not a dumb girl.

Sitting by the bed looking fetchingly rumpled, Ashley offers Spence a big mug of coffee.

Ashley: Are you alright? With everything that happened last night with us?

Hmmm. Vague, but suggestive. Would she be asking Spencer this question if they had just kissed a couple of times and then spent the rest of the night watching Laguna Beach reruns?

Spencer, who is sporting a suspicious glow, doesn't respond. She just buries her face in the covers.

Oh no. Not the “I'm-really-a-straight-girl” freak out. And that's probably what Ashley's worried about when she goes to Spencer and pushes the hair away from her eyes.

Ashley: What? Spencer, what's wrong?

Spencer finally peeks out at her, and Ashley goes all gooey. In her best rock royalty rasp, Ashley tells Spencer that she's beautiful.

Spencer: Stop. It's okay. It's a big deal, and I want it to be for you too.
Ashley: It is.

They are so not talking about Laguna Beach reruns.
Remember when Spencer did her little video confessional for Ashley and wished she could have another “first time” with someone who mattered? Let's just say that we probably aren't the only ones experiencing some wish fulfillment with this episode.

Spencer: When I woke up this morning and you weren't here next to me… for a second, I thought it was a dream.
Ashley: I know. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to shut the world out a little bit longer.
Spencer: Come back.

Talk about making an offer you can't refuse! But somehow Ashley does.

Ashley: I would love to, but you might want to see who's looking for you.

She shows Spencer her cel phone, and it is overflowing with messages — most likely from family members in varying states of misery.

Just to refresh, our Season One cliffhangers included the following calamities: Glen busted his knee and was taken to the hospital, Mama Carlin was making out with her ex-boyfriend in the hospital parking lot, Clay was having a disappointing reunion with his birth mother, and Papa Carlin was home hitting the sauce, all by his lonesome.

Glen's Hospital Room — The Carlin clan, except for Spencer, is huddled around numskull Glen's hospital bed. Spencer rushes into the room, horrified to find her big brother in traction. She asks Glen if he's in any pain, but the goofy smile on his face should answer that question. “Not right now, but ask me when I'm not hooked up to this thing!' He holds up the button for his morphine dispenser and clicks it like he's buzzing in with a winning answer on Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: The answer is “College Hoops 2K7” for Xbox 360.
Glen: What is the only basketball game in my future?

Glen tells Spencer that he's torn his ACL, and his family members exchange grave looks. (For those of you who don't know much about sports medicine, ACL stands for Accidental Career Loss. Basketball could have been very good to Glen.)

Spencer may be the last one to join the party, but it turns out that none of the Carlins were there for Glen when he was rushed to the hospital the night before. So they take turns telling each other glaringly obvious lies about where they were in Glen's hour of need.

Clay mutters something about studying with his buddy Sean, but we cut to a flashback of where he really spent his evening. Cue his insufferable birth mother giving him a self-righteous lecture about how putting him up for adoption was her greatest gift to him.

Clay is such a dork that no one really thinks he was out scoring drugs or hookers anyway, and Paula and Arthur are so focused on each other that they probably never dreamed that Clay would look up his birth mother in the first place. So Arthur quickly takes the spotlight off of Clay and shines it (passive aggressively) on his wife.

Arthur: Looks like no one wanted to come home last night.

He shoots a steely look at Mother Superior. Wow, either dad has toughened up this season or he's still a little drunk from the night before. Did he really just call Paula out in front of the kids?

Paula makes a lame “working late” excuse and quickly throws the blame back on her husband. Ahhh, the cozy warmth of her familiar pattern of blame. It's like a big snuggly blanket. The more everyone else changes, the more Paula stays the same.

Paula: Arthur, I called you at home.
Arthur: I was there.
Paula: Nobody answered.
Arthur: Guess I didn't hear the phone ring

Cut to a flashback of Arthur taking a big swig from his highball.

Suddenly it's Spencer's turn to offer up an excuse, and she'd better make it a good one.
There was a time—maybe 5 or 6 episodes ago—when our doe-eyed heroine practically peed her pants if she had to lie to her parents. But all of the sneaking around with Ashley behind Paula's back has paid off. Spencer is now operating at the normal, healthy 16 year old level of deception.

Spencer: Aiden and I were at Ashley's house.

Mother Superior's eyes bulge out of her head. She's so angry that she didn't even hear Spencer throw out the Aiden red-herring. All she heard was, “blah, blah, Ashley, blah, blah lesbian sex.”

Paula: Ashley?!

Mother Superior leaps to her feet. What, is she going to hit Spencer again?

At the mere mention of that homo Ashley's name, Glen rolls his eyes. Or maybe his eyes are just rolling back in his head. Keep pressing that morphine button, you little bigot!

Spencer: Mom, we were just… hanging out.

Cut to Spencer's flashback—you know, the one you've been waiting for since last February? The girls are in bed, and Ashley is on top of Spencer kissing her. It's a short clip, but we get the picture.

Spencer: My cel phone just…died.

She throws in the last part of the lie and tops it with an evil smile. Has a little bit of Ashley lovin' put Spencer in touch with her inner Shannen Doherty?

Cue up the show's new theme song, “Wasted” by L.P. I really dug the old theme song by The Donnas, but how cool is it that the new one is sung by an out lezzie rocker? (Who also happens to put on an excellent live show.) I'm taking it as a good omen for the future of all things Spashley.

Aiden's bedroom — Apparently the girls weren't the only ones getting lucky last night. Aiden is getting dressed while Madison prances around his bedroom talking about how important she is to him.

I'm happy for Aiden. Well, I'm mostly happy for myself. Now that he's found a girl to have sex with, maybe he'll stop flirting with Spencer. And Ashley.

Madison makes a big production out of telling Aiden that she's not with Glen anymore, and that Glen was really just an “excuse” to make Aiden want her more.

Aiden barely suppresses a yawn, and they head off to school.

King High School — Ashley and Spencer are sitting on a bench and they are — surprise, surprise — processing their first night together. They probably already have a couples counseling session lined up for 7th period.

Spencer is shyly trying to get a little positive feedback from Ashley.

Spencer: Last night. Was I…okay?
Ashley: Yeah, you were.

Wow, way to lay it on thick there Ash! Spencer probably feels like a seasoned lesbian stud after all of that sexual confidence-boosting sweet talk.

But because Spencer's a girly girl, she's not easily deterred. She'll keep fishing until she hooks the compliment she's looking for.

Spencer: Thanks. I'll get better, I promise. (Bat, bat go the lashes)
Ashley: Shut up! It's not like I've had that much experience. Okay, that's a lie. But it's different with everybody. And it's great with you.

I guess there's a compliment in there somewhere. Oh Ashley, please don't get cocky just yet. We're only about 12 hours into this relationship, and, seriously…since February, okay? Don't screw this up for the rest of us.

Oblivious to my pleas, Ashley changes the subject completely. She's going to have dinner with her ne'er-do-well rocker dad, and she'd like Spencer to join them. She does throw Spence a bone when she tells her that she's the first person she's ever wanted to take ho—um, to the Sunset Strip—to meet her dad. Spencer gets dreamy eyed, as if Ashley's just proposed.

Take a note from Ashley's book, amateurs. Playing the aloof, wounded and yet borderline disinterested card makes girls melt.

King High School Entrance — The lovebirds have made it through their first day of high school as girlfriends, and they're on their way home. If this were Showtime and not The N we'd be seeing a real After School Special. (On the other hand, if this were Showtime, Spencer would inexplicably hook up with Madison mid-season after Ashley suddenly died from an allergic reaction to a new hair gel. And Betty would have played at her funeral.)

But this is The N, and what we see is Spencer sweetly trying to hold Ashley's hand as they tromp down the steps in matching mini-skirts. (Is this is the hip teen version of matching fanny packs? Jesus, have they already started to merge?)

That hand-holding move didn't go over so well when Spencer pulled it last season (remember Madison's “Isle of Lesbos” comment?) and she's not going to get any mileage out of it this time either. Ashley suddenly gets very snappy with Spencer.

Ashley: Spencer, stop!
Spencer: Why?
Ashley: Just be careful. I'm out and I don't give a crap what people think about me. But you're not, and people can be really harsh. Okay?

As if to help prove her point, Madison approaches with Aiden in tow.

Madison: Oh look. It's the King High lesbian poster children. Cute aren't they?
Aiden: (with a leer) Definitely.

For some reason, Ashley still cares about who Aiden dates and she chides him for being with Madison. Ashley and Madison trade insults until Madison gets bored and moves on.

Spencer's Bedroom — Spencer is getting all dolled up for her dinner date with Ashley and her burn-out father. Going all gay seems to agree with Spencer, because she suddenly looks like a poised 20 year old model. Her mother notices this too.

Paula: I can't believe how fast you're growing up.
Spencer: Mom, you've been saying that since I was about five. (She turns around and shows off her outfit) So?
Paula: You look…different somehow

Cue twinkly, instrumental background music. This tells us that we're headed toward a heart-warming mother-daughter conversation and not one of those, “You've slept with her, haven't you, you little slut!?!?!” knock-down, drag-outs that teen homos are so often treated to when they come home looking “different somehow.”

Paula: …but beautiful.
Spencer: (nervously turning away) I'm trying something new with my hair.
Paula: Maybe. Well, whatever it is. You look very grown up. So where are you off to?
Spencer: Ashley invited me to dinner with her dad.
Paula: Spencer!
Spencer: Mom, it's okay. Really. (Lesbian Decoder Ring Translation: Get over it, Mom, she is so my girlfriend now.)
Paula: Look Spence, it just that Ashley is really…experienced, in ways that, honestly, worry me.

Oh Paula, you have no idea. (Or maybe you do, and that's why you're worried.)

Spencer: Mom, I don't want to fight about her anymore. (LDRT: I'm probably moving in with her this weekend, so you can go ahead and use by bedroom for Bible study.)
Paula: I know. All I'm saying is that Ashley is not going to have an easy life.
Spencer: Look, Mom, its just dinner. Her father's going to be there, and, come on, you should be happy—for me. It's going to be so safe and normal that it's almost boring. (LDRT: Ashley thinks civil unions are bullsh*t and we're not even sure if we'll ever want kids, so just chill.)

Because Paula has never met the train wreck that is Ashley's dad, she relents and let's Spencer go with a reminder that she's there for her if she ever wants to talk. You know, about stuff that isn't gay.

Penthouse Apartment on the Sunset Strip —We're treated to a montage of merriment as Spencer, Ashley, and her dad dine together on the roof of his swanky rock star apartment. The girls laugh, play air guitar, and pretend that Ashley's dad can put a coherent sentence together.

It's all noisy rock and roll fun until Dad gets sentimental. Getting a decent haircut has created a Zen-like peace in him, and he regales the girls with a cute story about baby Ashley going on tour with him, and a kind of creepy story about a not-much-older-than-a-baby Ashley partying with him.

He tells Ashley how much he loves her, and calls her “his favorite daughter”. They embrace, and the warm father-daughter moment gives Spencer a flicker of hope that Ashley might not have HUGE INTIMACY ISSUES after all.

Ashley's Bedroom — There are a lot of great things about being Ashley. This sprawling mansion, her glamorous bedroom, the swooning girl in her glamorous bedroom, and the fact that there never, ever seem to be any pesky parental interferences. Case in point, Ashley is prancing around the room in the black leather vest her father gave her and, well, not much else.

Hey, can they do this on The N? Who cares? Keep watching.

Ashley strikes a near-nude seductive pose and asks Spencer, “What do you think?”

Spencer looks nervous. I think she's afraid that she's about to get her first lap dance, and she's not quite sure how that works. So she squeaks, “Hot!” and Ashley purrs, “Yes, I am.”

But before Spencer has to start counting her $1 bills or figure out where she's going to put her hands, the TV news interrupts the regularly broadcasted lesbian teen romance to tell us that Ashley's dad has just been killed in a car crash. It's a horrible moment, and it's clear that Ashley's life has changed forever. And that those intimacy issues just got a whole lot worse.

Later, Spencer leaves concerned phone messages for Ashley, who screens her out.

King High School — Spencer confides in Aiden that she's worried about Ashley going into seclusion, and he casually assures her “she'll surface”. (This guy is a veritable font of compassion, how did Ashley ever leave him?)

Madison slithers up to them and, much to Spencer's surprise, tells her to pass along her condolences to Ashley. Then she switches back to her normal self and puts her hooks into Aiden. She wants to see him that night, and he says that he's available “unless Ashley needs me.” Madison gives an extra haughty hair flip and says, “Why don't you leave Ashley's needs to Spencer and concentrate on the girl who likes being with boys?”

For once, I agree with Madison.

Ashley's Bedroom —Ashley is tormenting herself by looking at pictures of her dad. She is really messed up by his unexpected death, and in case you didn't get that about her, you can tell by her t-shirt with the word “Broken” subtly emblazoned on the collar.

Spencer has stormed the castle and is there to comfort Ashley—who does not want to be comforted. She laments the lack of time spent with her father, and when Spencer tries to reassure her, she flinches and gives Spencer a dirty look.

Ashley: I need my space, okay?
Spencer: No! It's not alright. I'm not going to let you push me away, not now, not when you're hurting like this.
Ashley: Like what, Spencer? Do you have any idea how I feel? No, you don't. You can't. So just stop it.
Spencer: Stop what? Caring about you?
Ashley: If you really cared, you would just leave.

Just then, Ashley's mom—a reject from the set of Dynasty—enters the room to talk to her about the funeral arrangements. Sure, she's a pain, but wouldn't you rather she interrupt a fight rather than a make out session?

Alexis Carrington Davies doesn't want to spend a penny on her ex-husband, and this sends Ashley into a blind rage. She makes a really good speech about the best aspects of her rocker dad, but Alexis isn't hearing it.

Alexis: He was the bastard who left me for some girl who got on his bus after a show in Baltimore.
Ashley: Isn't that how I was born?
Alexis: I don't remember. I've tried to suppress my life's most disappointing moments.
Ashley: (storming out of the room) I can't deal with either of you right now.

Oh Spencer, this is the first time that you're being irrationally lumped in with Ashley's mother, but it's not likely to be the last.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams — Ashley takes a long, lonely walk on the Sunset Strip, where she finds that some of her father's fans have set up altars in his memory. She takes some comfort in their shared love of her father, as well as some inspiration for how she can celebrate his life.

Despite her hootchie schoolgirl outfit, she doesn't even get busted for solicitation on the way home. I guess her dad's spirit really is watching over here after all.

The Carlin Household — Spencer's parents are still sniping at each other when the doorbell rings. Mother Superior opens the door to a completely distraught Ashley, who asks to see Spencer and then crumples into Paula's arms, sobbing.

And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that Paula Carlin's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of kindness came through, and Paula found the strength of ten Catholics, plus two.

Paula tells Arthur to set a place at the table for poor little Ashley. Spencer comes down the stairs to meet her.

Ashley: I'm sorry. (lots of crying)
Spencer: It's okay. You're just going through the worst time right now.
Ashley: No, I'm sorry for not letting you in and letting you help. I'm so bad at this, I'm so bad right now.

Aiden's Car — Aiden and Madison are driving around and Aiden is in the process of blowing her off when she grabs the wheel and nearly causes him to crash. What the hell is she doing? She tells him she's trying to get him to pay attention to her. Madison looks like she's about to cry, Aiden looks like he'd rather have a face full of airbag than continue the conversation. Together, they are in utter misery.

Maybe they just got married in Vegas.

The Carlin Sofa — Later, Ashley seems to be feeling a little better as she sits on the sofa with Spencer. I'm pretty sure that Mother Superior has hidden a nanny cam in one of the cushions. Why else would she allow Spencer to have this potentially conjugal visit from Ashley once the crying jag was over?

Ashley: I don't know how I'd get through any of this without you.
Spencer: (with a teasing smile) You wouldn't. It's so good to see you smile.
Ashley: There's something I have to do.
Spencer: What's that?

No. It's not what you want her to do. She's in mourning for crying out loud! That stuff will have to wait. She's talking about throwing a memorial bash for her departed dad.

Rooftop on the Sunset Strip — Ashley is surrounded by a gaggle of friends—and Glen—as she says a few words about her father. She wants to give him “one last chance to break the rules.” So she's violates all sorts of laws and health codes when she grabs a handful of dad dust (eww) and tosses it about willy nilly over the Strip. The crowd goes wild, and Alexis Carrington Davies arrives just in time to break up the party.

She's brought someone Ashley needs to meet.

Alexis: Ashley, this is Kelly—
Kyla: It's Kyla.
Alexis: Whatever. She claims she has a right to be here.
Ashley: Ok. Did you know my dad?
Kyla: I'm his daughter.

Kyla is grieving too, and she's got a cute deer-in-the-headlights look about her. So I really don't think she deserves the narrowed eyes and flared nostrils that Ashley typically reserves just for Madison. But she's getting them. Spencer's jaw has dropped—literally—and it's unclear what will happen next.

If this were Showtime, Ashley would toss Kyla off the roof and then go have sex with Glen. And Betty would play at their wedding. But this is The N, so we just get a commercial break so everyone can regroup.

Ashley's Bedroom — It turns out that half-sister Kyla will be sharing Ashley's sizeable inheritance per their father's will (which Alexis plans to contest). The money thing is a drag, but Ashley seems to be more upset about having to share grieving daughter status.

Ashley: Way to crash my grief! Who the hell does she think she is?
Spencer: Your sister?
Ashley: No. My nothing. Where do I put this? I am so pissed off at my dad. How could he do this to me? Or Mom? Okay, I understand how he could do it to Mom. But he loved me.
Spencer: Yes, he did. You know, that hasn't changed.
Ashley: Everything's changed! Maybe the girl's just here for the money and when she gets it, she'll leave.
Spencer: Maybe she feels exactly what you do—confused, cheated, sad…
Ashley: Do not shrink me, Spence. She doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know anything about me.
Spencer: I'm just trying to help you.
Ashley: This is so like him. It's always about the drama. I hate him for this.

Her whack job dad found one last way to disappoint her, and it sucks. On the positive side, all of this additional “drama” requires more comforting from Spencer.

Hey, I'm just looking for the silver-lining.

The Carlin Courthouse — Back at the Carlin's, Paula's fleeting fit of compassion for Ashley has given way to judgment. Well, at least she's reliable. She's clucking about how Ashley is so screwed up (aka gay) because of her lousy parents, when Arthur turns the tables on her again. He pointedly asks if she's referring to the way in which Ashley's father, lied, cheated, and abandoned his family.

Is it a coincidence that when he says all of this he's enjoying his trademark highball?

Paula: So we're going to make this about us now?
Arthur: It would be a refreshing change from your constant Ashley-bashing. This is a time when she needs her best friend Spencer more than ever.
Paula: Oh give me a break. She wants to be more than just friends.

Hmm. Does it help if you're both right?

Arthur uses the “more than friends” comment to bring up Paula's special friend, Dr. Ben. With Glen standing just a few feet away, he asks Paula if she's slept with Ben, and she makes a speech about how they both need to make the effort if their marriage is going to work. Then she takes away his highball.

If I were Arthur, I would need the highball to make that marriage work.

King High School — Glen and Clay are walking to class, and—well, technically Glen is limping to class. He's on crutches and he's bitching about his parents, about Spencer, about Ashley. Clay is sticking up for all of them, but Glen just keeps yammering away. I wish he still had his Jeopardy button, because the un-medicated Glen is extremely tedious. He wants to take a pill almost as much as I want him to take a pill, but when he tries to do just that, he finds them missing from his locker.

Across Campus — Clay and adorable girlfriend Chelsea discuss her upcoming art show. She's too nervous to go to the opening, and Clay teases her about it. And that's about the full extent of their problems today.

Unlike everyone else on this show, these two are not “all about the drama.”

Ashley's Locker — Ashley's griping too, about what a “freak” Kyla is and how the gargantuan sum of money at stake will only complicate matters, and how the conditions of the daughters' inheritance include them staying in contact with each other, living in the same city, going to family counseling together twice a month. Kyla will be moving there soon, and she's already enrolling at King High. OMG!

It really seems like it could be much worse for Ashley, doesn't it?

What if she was the one who had to move? And what if she ended up in some gay-unfriendly place, like some state where a conservative Governor vetoed pro-gay legislation or—oh, I forgot, she already lives in California.

Amidst all of this kvetching, Ashley casually drops a number. $25 million. That's what her father's estate is worth. Suddenly, I feel a little less sorry for her. She jams her father's priceless leather vest into her skanky (and apparently lock-less) locker. So we shouldn't be too surprised when she later finds out that it has been stolen.

Kyla makes the mistake of showing up on school property, and Spencer gets in trouble with Ashley for waving to Kyla.

Where are Clay and Chelsea when we need them?

Kyla's Room in Ashley's House —Ashley has been spoiling for a smack down with Kyla, and she finally gets her chance. And she even has some wrath to spare for their father.

Ashley: You know what was important to him? Partying, playing his music and sleeping around. We're just two mistakes in his screwed up life.
Kyla: I don't feel like a mistake! A secret, maybe. Abandoned, maybe. But unlike you, I'm glad I was born. And I love my mom. She's been really good to me.
Ashley: There's a sentence I'll never say.

Kyla seems genuinely sad that Ashley's mother is such a shrew, and she promises not to let her pit them against each other. But Ashley, whose savoring her bitterness, tells Kyla that she's way out of her league—with both of them. When Ashley finally exits in a huff, Kyla tells her, “See you in therapy!”

God, I hope so. Angry Ashley is too busy lashing out at her sister to pursue any romance with Spencer. Those two haven't laid a hand on each other since “the morning after,” and that's just unacceptable.

Aiden's Bedroom — What the hell is Ashley doing here?

His place is standard straight boy fare. He has some cheesy sports posters on the wall (“Are you a warrior?”), and it probably smells like feet.

Ashley's has exasperated almost everyone with her bratty whining about her sister, so she's found the one person so desperate to be in her company that he'll let her keep beating that tired old step-horse. And now she's even bitching about Spencer! She knows Spencer's trying to help, but it's “bugging” her.

Oh please.

Aiden says that he sympathizes with Spencer, because Ashley used to push him away too. When Ashley admits that she's being a bitch and Aiden doesn't correct her, they have a little play fight that starts to get…physical. Aiden almost kisses her, and she tells him, “I'm with Spencer now.”

They work it out, and a disappointed Aiden agrees to let Ashley spend the night—platonically—at his place.

I guess this little trip to the Jock Lair wasn't a total waste. It was kind of sweet to hear Ashley affirm that she and Spence are an actual couple.

Now if only she'd act like it.

King High School —The next morning, Madison and Spencer end up waiting together for Aiden and Ashley. Madison makes time for a lame gay joke, but Spencer's not intimidated. She is, however, curious. Why does Madison so obsessively hate on Ashley?

Madison: I don't care about you two. You can do whatever perverted things you want.

I wouldn't hold my breath, honey. In fact, I'm beginning to that think their hook up was a fluke. Or my own hallucination.

Spencer: (with a smirk) “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”

Ooh, someone got the “Understanding Homophobia” memo. Go Spencer!

When Madison doesn't respond, Spencer spells it out.

Spencer: You're saying you don't care. But you're saying it over and over, which must mean that you really do care. The question is, why?
Madison: Because I know it makes Ashley mad, and that's my hobby.
Spencer: Maybe it's because you really like her and just miss that she's not your friend anymore.
Madison: Yeah, you're so special. Give her time, she'll burn you too.

I would like to hear more on that topic, but Ashley and Aiden roll up together in Ashley's sexy new Season Two Porsche. Madison doesn't like hearing that they spent the night together, and she storms off in a huff. Spencer doesn't like it either, but she asks the obvious question rather than assume worst.

Ashley assures her that they weren't fooling around, she just needed to get away after her fight with Kyla. Spencer doesn't understand why Ashley wouldn't come to her instead. Ashley reminds her that she wants to come to her, but that she can't always come to her house.

I forgot how much being sixteen can suck.

Across Campus — Aiden finally dumps Madison. Despite her protests that they can “work on” developing the love thing, Aiden tells her that it's just not meant to be. Poor Madison is devastated, and she cries her little eyes out.

Spencer and Ashley's Lockers — Ashley is waxing poetic about the fancy new apartment she's going to get, when Spencer reminds her that she won't inherit her millions until she's 18.

Ashley: Thanks for completely destroying my fantasies.
Spencer: I can help you with some of your other fantasies if you'd like.
Ashley: (with husky voice) Spencer Carlin, you're gay?
Spencer: (shyly) Only with you…

And just when things are finally starting to get interesting, it becomes “all about the drama” once again.

Ashley opens her skanky, lock-less locker to find—gasp—that her priceless leather vest has been stolen. She blows a gasket in the schoolyard, screaming “What is wrong with you people?!? That is the last thing my dad ever gave me!” at no one in particular as her baffled classmates scoot away in horror.

Spencer dutifully hugs the now regularly hysterical Ashley, and probably wonders if she's ever going to get laid again.

The Carlin Household — Glen, Clay, Chelsea and Spencer sit around the dining room table doing homework together while Spencer tells them about Ashley's meltdown. Chelsea wonders what is up with the rash of locker break-ins and Glen butts in with a braying, “I know! It sucks!”

Everyone turns to look at him, baffled. Glen realizes that they don't know about his dolls getting stolen, and lest he sound like a pill-head, he'd better shut up about it.

Since everyone pretty much expects Glen to spout nonsense, they ignore him and go back to their conversation. Spencer is really worried about Ashley's fragile emotional state, and her loving brother Glen reaches out to her in the best way he knows how.

Glen: Is Ashley heading to Crazy Acres? Maybe they can fix that whole gay gene while she's there.

Could someone please sedate him? Stat?

Spencer chastises him, and then plays the concerned friend card. Sweet, naïve Chelsea buys it.

Chelsea: You're such a good friend, Spencer. She's lucky to have you.
Spencer: I'm lucky to have her.
Glen: Everybody's gettin' lucky but me!

Okay, that was funny.

Clay takes a phone call from Sean, who has somehow cracked The Case of the Looted Lockers, and even knows where to recover the stolen goods. Spencer and Glen set out to recover Ashley's vest and—unbeknownst to Spencer—Glen's stolen stash.

Later That Night —Paula brings Arthur a stack of pillows and blankets for his new bed—the couch. He takes them from her with one hand, as his other hand is holding a highball.

Remind me why he has to sleep on the couch if she's the one who's been screwing around?

Glen sees it all go down and wants to know what's going on. Arthur tells Glen that he and Paula are “having some trouble.” Luckily, Glen is probably the only Carlin kid dumb (or high) enough to actually get some new and useful information from Arthur's lame answer. So it's a good thing that he's the one who asked.

Ashley's House, the Back Porch — Kyla is on the phone with her mother, crying over they way she's being treated by both her wicked step-mother and her wicked step-sister. Then Prince Aiden appears and offers to take her out for a burger.

Well at least someone is being nice to her, even if it is Aiden.

Ashley's Room —Spencer gets to play the hero card when she returns the leather vest to a teary and grateful Ashley.

Ashley: Thank you. Thank you so much for not letting me disappear or be alone.
Spencer: You're not alone. I'm not going anywhere.

If the previews for next week are any indication, it looks like the only place Spencer might be going is to court to get an injunction. Because Ashley's dad was famous, she and Spencer apparently make for good TV. The paparazzi get video footage of them kissing, and Spencer tries to talk them out of using it. She even calls one of them an “ass”!

Let's hope she has a few other tricks up her (mostly) wholesome little sleeve.

Sure, Ashley's a bad girl, but she's not a dumb girl
Vaya...vaya estoy de acuerdo con esto! Ni yo misma me separaría de esa cama ;)

Later That Night —Paula brings Arthur a stack of pillows and blankets for his new bed—the couch. He takes them from her with one hand, as his other hand is holding a highball.

Remind me why he has to sleep on the couch if she's the one who's been screwing around?

yo tampoco entendí porqué Arthur tenía que ir al sofá :huh:

Bueno, ya salió también el recap del tercer capi, "Behind the Music" q aki lo ponen como si fuera el segundo:

King High—Spencer and Aiden are walking around together between classes. (Although I'll bet if she knew Aiden recently had Ashley pinned on her back in his bed, these two wouldn't be so chummy.)

Spencer: You know what next Friday the 21st is, right?
Aiden: The day after the 20th? Day after the 22nd? Its Ashley's birthday, I know.
Spencer: After everything she's been through, I think we should make this one special.

Yes, because Bratty McBratt needs to be just a little more indulged. I know she's had a rough patch, but it's been a big week for Spencer too. She officially gone gay, remember?

Aiden: A trip to Vegas?
Spencer: I'm thinking a surprise party at Gray.

Aiden goes into a trance. Or maybe he's still working on that calendar math.

When Spencer asks what gives, he smiles dreamily and says, "Just picturing how much better it would be if we went to Vegas.”

Yeah, me too. Only in my version, I'm up $200 at Blackjack, I have tickets to see Stevie Nicks at Caesars, and Aiden is nowhere to be found.

Spencer: Ok, whatever you're picturing in your head is never gonna happen.
Aiden: I know, that's why I'm milking the moment.

She gives him a playful sock in the arm and squawks, "You're so weird!"

Spencer acts like it's the first time she's ever seen some straight guy use lesbians as his porn.

Ashley bops over to join them, and she's wearing a glittery tank-top contraption that looks like it fell out of the trunk at Cher's Farewell (yeah, right) Tour.

Ashley wants to know if they've been talking about her, and she's happy to learn that they have. She's way more relaxed about having her old and new squeezes talking about her than I would be. Actually, I think she's just distracted because she's trying to track down the film crew from VH1.

Ashley: They're supposed to be doing some special "In Memoriam" thing on my Dad. My mom signed some release, so they could follow me around—see what the life of "Rafe Davies' daughter" is all about. I'm sure she's getting money out of it somehow.

She's tossing her head about in mock disdain, but Ashley is perfectly coiffed and oh so ready for her paparazzi. You'd think the daughter of a rock star (and one with musical aspirations of her own) would be a little more openly excited about a visit from the good people at Behind the Music.

Kyla suddenly appears and she's pissed. She shouts at Ashey, “You left me at home!”

Is she really surprised?

Ashley: Sorry. I keep forgetting that I have a sister. Weird, huh?

Aiden sniffs fresh meat and zeroes in on Kyla.

Aiden: If she ever forgets you again you can always call me.
Ashley: Excuse me?!?!

Um hellooo, Ashley. Take a good, long look at the dewy blonde to your left. Who cares about Aiden's carpooling schedule? You got the girl, so don't be such a donkey!

Some VH1 dude with a camera strolls over to them, and Ashley takes an “I'd like to thank the little people” tone when she introduces herself. But the Camera Dude (no relation to “The Dude”) hones in on Kyla instead.

He asks her, "Hey, you're Kyla Woods, right? How does it feel to find out that you're the secret daughter of Rafe Davies?”

Camera Dude zooms in on Kyla, who is horrified. Unlike Ashley, she is not ready for her paparazzi, and she's not even wearing anything sparkly.

The look on Ashley's face is priceless. I think this whole mess between Ash and Kyla is dangerously close to devolving into the King High School production of The Mirror Crack'd (with Ashley as Elizabeth Taylor, natch.)

Boxing Gym—Aiden is boxing and showing off his body. This seems like a good time for me to go to the kitchen and get a Diet Mountain Dew (or “Liquid Gold” as its known around my house). But when I come back, he's still there.

Aiden: I take it things aren't going that well with Ash.

For a second it looks like he's talking to the punching bag—which seems more like something Glen would do. But it turns out that he's talking to Kyla, who soon moves into the frame.

Kyla: Can I plead the Second?

He gives his best “Oh, silly girl!” chuckle and tells her, "I think you mean the Fifth. The Second is the right to bear arms.”

There is no way that jockstrap Aiden would know any of this, but I'll go along with it because I love this show. (It's called “The Willing Suspension of Disbelief”, and it's gotten me through the last two presidential elections.)

Kyla, who I can easily believe knows about all of the Amendments, replies snappily, "That's what I'm pleading for.”

Aiden assures her that Ashley will get over herself. Well, what he says is that she'll “loosen up.” Kyla unsheathes her claws.

Kyla: I don't really care if Ashley's loose or not.

Ashley has apparently teleported from her bedroom to the gym, because she suddenly appears right behind them.

Ashley: Heard that!
Aiden: What are you doing here?

Exactly. Don't you have a cute (and extremely curious) girlfriend waiting for you somewhere, Miss Saucy Socks?

Aiden bails for the shower, but Ashley continues to hammer away at Kyla.

Ashley: Look, if it's not too much trouble to ask, could you stop completing invading my life?
Kyla: Ash, I'm not inva—
Ashley: “Ash"? Noooo.(Nota: aki pondria io el famoso: niou):P You don't get the right to call me that. It's "Ashley". No, you don't even get the right to call me "Ashley"!

That's okay, I'm sure Kyla has a few other names in mind.

Kyla: I'm not trying to invade anything.
Ashley: Umm, VH1 Video?!?!
Kyla: They invaded me! Hey this may be hard on you, but it's no dream come true for me either.
Ashley: I'm sure it must be tough finding out that your Mom is a total whore.
Kyla: Not as tough as finding out that my half-sister is a roaring bitch.

Snap!

Ashley channels her hateful mother, telling Kyla, "Just do me a favor. Take your half of the money and get your bastard ass out of here.”

Parking Lot, King High — Madison finds a newspaper that someone has shoved under the wiper blade on her car. The headline reads that someone with Madison's last name has been indicted for embezzling. Her eyes bug out of her head, but when Glen hobbles over she acts like nothing's wrong.

Madison: How's your knee?
Glen: It's getting better every minute... Um, I've been thinking about us a lot.
Madison: Ay dios mio.

Because Glen probably thinks that's Spanish for “I've been thinking about us a lot too”, he continues.

Glen: You were confused before, alright? Breaking up with me, going out with Aiden, getting dumped by Aiden…”

He'd better stop while he's ahead. Madison has handed out concussions to people for saying much less.

Madison: What's your point?
Glen: I'm here for you.
Madison: I'm not interested.
Glen: Really, because before I blew out my knee you were talking about getting married.
Madison: I was just caught up in the moment. I didn't want you to go away to college without me.
Glen: Well now I'm not going anywhere.

Exactly.

Madison: Exactly.
Glen: Wow. People say that I'm shallow…

Then he snags her newspaper and uses his Hooked on Phonics skills to read the headline.

Glen: Your dad stole from a charity?
Madison: It's just lawyer spin, its fine.
Glen: Rrright…

Carlin Household—Paula has loosened her iron grip on the family (probably because she's been gripping something else, ahem.) and as a result it has fallen into utter liberal chaos. Arthur is cooking hippie food for the kids and their gaggle of friends, and it looks like a scene from Alice's Restaurant.

Chelsea makes the mistake of asking for details about the ingredients, and is regaled with stories from Arthur's tour of duty in the Peace Corps, which included basket weaving with some old woman in China. Clay and Spencer warn her against showing an interest, but Chelsea keeps kissing Arthur's ass and he goes on. And on.

Soon Chelsea is starting to nod off into the salad spinner as Arthur rhapsodizes about a youth hostel and his student visa. And I think I heard something about “chasing the dragon”, but I'm not totally sure.

Anyway, the non-ass-kissing teens (Clay, Spencer, Aiden) are gossiping in the other room.

Spencer: I just feel so bad for Ashley right now. I don't think she can take one more hit.

(She's wearing her love-goggles, because Ashley's been doling out most of the hits of late.)

Aiden: Yeah, but I feel bad for Kyla too. (i.e. “I've got it bad for Kyla too”)
Spencer: You like her!
Aiden: No! I'm just saying, she's going through the same things Ashley is.
Spencer: Yeah, and I'm just saying you like her.

Chelsea jumps in and wants to know who they're talking about., but she's really just eager to get into any conversation that isn't about The Tao of Macramé.

While they create the Evite for Ashley's party, Glen comes home with Mother Superior. He hears the word “party” and starts to hyperventilate.

Glen: “I'm SO there.”

Odd, I didn't know that Glen partied with The Gays. And neither did Spencer.

Spencer: Okay, you are SO not invited.
Glen: What? Why?
Spencer: How about because you don't even like Ashley?
Glen: Yeah, but I love parties. So if you're not inviting me, I'm just gonna crash it.

Great. So much for her plan to be Ashley's "Private Dancer".

Paula joins them, beams proudly at her dipstick son and then asks Clay and Chelsea if they're staying for dinner. Clay isn't but Chelsea is, and Paula's just tickled about it.

Paula: Good. It will give me a chance to catch up on my favorite couple.

Clay and Chelsea think Paula's talking about them (and not herself and Dr. Ben), so they make smoochy faces at each other.

Meanwhile, Spencer—who apparently was hoping that she and Ashley could be Paula's favorite couple—shivers in the icy breeze of second class citizenship. Her sweet little mug looks truly sad, but I'm sure she'll turn to her sensitive and caring new girlfriend for comfort at school the next day.

King High—

Ashley: That sucks. But it's the price you pay for being in the closet.

Spencer has just related the whole “favorite couple” thing to Ashley. So much for sympathy. Sounds like Ashley wants to change the subject. To herself.

Again.

Ashley: Don't worry. My night sucked too. My mom has officially made Kyla her B.F.F.

Spencer is a little too willing to abandon her own story to topic hop over to Ashley's drama du jour.

Spencer: Do you have any idea how long she'll be staying?
Ashley: No, but even if she left right now it would still be way too long. She was totally hitting on Aiden yesterday.

Repeat after me: Who Cares?

Spencer: Yeah, I think he's got a crush on her too.
Ashley: What? Did he say that?
Spencer: No, he just had that look on her face when he said her name.

Ashley makes a big production of mocking Aiden, and then makes an ominous prediction, "It's totally going to destroy our circle."

Their “circle” is more like the Bermuda Triangle, and I'm all too happy to see it fall off the radar completely. Aiden needs to get his own girlfriend instead of always trying to borrow Spencer's. Or Ashley's.

Spencer, honing her denial skills (just like dad) changes the subject completely.

Spencer: Oh I almost forgot, Friday, we have dinner reservations at 8 pm at Mako.
Ashley: (with a tone) You're planning out dates now?

As opposed to whom, the producers of Next? I never would have pegged Ashley as such a bossy little top! Spencer quickly demures to Mistress.

Spencer: No, but it's your birthday.
Ashley: Right.
Spencer: You don't want to celebrate?
Ashley: My dead Dad and bitch Mom had sex 17 years ago,why would I want to celebrate a mistake? Would you want to celebrate that? I just don't even want to hear the words ‘happy birthday' let alone have some big fancy dinner.
Spencer: No celebration. Got it.

King High School — Aiden is sleeping on a bench with a book over his face. I'll bet this is the toughest class in his schedule.

Kyla comes over to tell him that she received his invitation to Ashley's party, but that she won't attend. Aiden admits to trying to push the two sisters together because he's suddenly all about family. Kyla's doubtful, and tells him, "I just don't think Ashley would want me at her surprise party."

Spencer and Ashley are walking up behind them just as Kyla says those words. Ooops.

Ashley: You're right, I don't! Then again, I didn't even know I was having a surprise party. So you've managed to ruin my life, and my birthday. And you've only been here a couple of weeks—that's so impressive.

Ashley storms off and Spencer scurries after her with an armful of books. (Is she carrying Ashley's books too?)

Spencer: (weakly) Surprise. Yeah…I'll be calling the party off.
Ashley: No! Just because Kyla ruined the surprise doesn't mean she gets to ruin the party. Just one thing; she doesn't come.

Spencer takes Ashley's arm and leads her along through a semi-deserted walkway. They stop to gaze at each other.

Spencer: Somehow, I don't think we're going to have to worry about that.

Ashley finally pulls her head out of her ass and takes Spencer's hand, "Thank you so much for being great."

Spencer beams and Ashley pulls her in for a kiss.

What a superfreak. Last week Ashley wouldn't hold Spencer's hand at school, but this week she wants to make out with her while classes are changing? So much for guarding Spencer's closet.

Cut to the Camera Dude from Behind the Music, who's zooming in on their liplock.

Camera Dude: This is gold! Don't stop.
Spencer: Oh my god. You can't put this on TV!

She looks at Ashley, terror flashing in her eyes. But Ashley looks rather pleased at the prospect of appearing on what will now probably be the highest-rated episode of Behind the Music of all time.

King High Boys Locker Room—Sean and Aiden are talking in the locker room while Aiden flexes his abs. The boys are agog over Ashley's party, but for completely different reasons.

Sean smirks, "I can't wait to see which one of those sisters backhands you. You're looking for trouble putting yourself between those girls."

I've noticed that, for all intensive purposes, King High is a matriarchal society. The girls run their various fiefdoms and occasionally declare war on one another, while the guys preen and get passed around between the girls like Tic Tacs. No wonder Sean advises Aiden to proceed with caution.

Aiden plays innocent, and says he got it “under control”, then Kyla suddenly storms into the boys' locker room. Sean scurries away in his towel, and Aiden quickly escorts her back out into the hallway. Whatever Kyla has to say must be pretty important.

Kyla: I just came her to say that I know you and Ashley are good friends and I didn't mean to spoil the surprise.

This couldn't have waited until lunch?

Kyla: You know she looks at you right?
Aiden: What?
Kyla: Oh come on. There's something between you two isn't there?

Aiden changes the subject, then gets on his knees to beg Kyla to come to the party with him. See what I mean? A Tic Tac.

King High Parking Lot — Spencer is trying wheedle the incriminating video out of the Camera Dude. I'm having a nightmarish premonition of Spencer, her mother and some butch ex-dyke in an ill-fitting skirt from Exodus International all duking it out over Spencer's queer soul on daytime television.

Spencer: Um, I'm gonna need that tape of me and Ashley. Camera Dude: Which tape?
Spencer: Don't be an ass! You don't understand if my parents see that—I mean if anyone really sees that, then I can't … we can't… Look, my parents don't know that we're together. My parents don't even know that I'm…and this is going to ruin us.

No the MPAA did not just censor all of the direct and indirect references to being queer that came out of Spencer's mouth. This is a Spencer problem.

It's like how The Fonz could never admit when he was, “Wrrro---”.

Camera Dude: That's tough. But this could be huge and that's what I get paid for.

Then he slams the door of his van shut in her face.

Gray — Gray is the South of Nowhere version of The Peach Pit on 90210. Only Gray serves booze and has girls making out with each other in the bathroom. (Hey, whatever happened to that girl, anyway? I think I saw her in a Cingular ad the other night.

Madison is there to pick up a jacket she had left behind. She makes a big deal about it being Italian-made, which I think is supposed to signal to the barkeep (and everyone else) that she is a Woman of Coin. But is she?

The barkeep (her official name is “Cat”) tosses Madison her jacket then comes around from the bar for a private conversation.

Okay, I held my tongue about this during Season One, but since she appears to be around for the long haul, I think we need to do some investigating. Am I the only one who gets the serious lesbo vibe from the barkeep? What's her story, anyway?

She reminds me of those girls who tend bar in West Hollywood. You know, she came to Los Angeles to act, but roles like “Pilates Instructor” and “Mechanic” were hard to come by. So got herself a Mystic Tan and headed down to Girlbar where she could make decent tips off the swinging straight couples who come in to gawk and pick up "a third". Who did she piss off at Girlbar to get stuck serving Red Bull to teenagers?

The barkeep is forced to bring up the delicate topic of Madison's bar tab and how it needs to be paid off. Madison is 16 years old, right? How exorbitant can a tab be when you're just ordering Diet Cokes?

Madison tries the old “I'll pay you later” routine, but the barkeep has heard the scandalous rumors about Madison's father.

Barkeep: If you're having trouble, we could work something out…

Rrrreeeallly?

But that's not what she meant. She's merely offering to let Madison work a few shifts at Gray to pay down her tab.

Madison: (with disgust) Work?

Seriously! Isn't there some knucklehead out there who could take care of this bill? I think Tony Parker's single again…

Spencer's bedroom—Spencer is modeling a cute green dress for Chelsea and trying to figure out what to wear to Ashley's party. Chelsea tells her that she looks “hot”, and it's clear that she is going to be totally Susan Sarandon about the whole gay thing when Spencer finally comes out to her.

The girls talk about clothes, and Chelsea gushes over what a great guy Clay is and Spencer tells Chelsea that Clay is crazy about her too. Then Chelsea delicately tries to segue from her relationship with Clay to Spencer's relationship with Ashley.

Chelsea: I think it's really great that you're planning this party for Ashley.
Spencer: Yeah, well (squirm squirm), she's my best friend, so…

Spencer looks around the room for a picture to adjust or some papers to organize. Chelsea won't let her off that easily.

Chelsea: Isn't she more than just a friend?

Spencer looks a little dazed, and she stammers while trying to figure out the “right” answer in this situation.

That look Spencer just gave Chelsea--it's so familiar.

Wait, I know! It's the “Jenny” look. Watch any episode of The L Word in which Jenny is talking about some portion of her novel (or hellish piece of personal history) and you'll see her give that look to the listener. It's like she's quietly checking to see if the person is about to throttle her before she launches into her next overshare.

Spencer: (snapping out of Jenny-ville) Yeah...Yes!

The girls giggle with glee cause it's so cool to be young and gay. Or gay-friendly.

Chelsea: I really like how you guys are together. It feels real.
Spencer: Well it is… I mean for me. I don't know if that matters to anyone else though.
Chelsea: You know what? You find love—no matter who it is, you're lucky.

The girls embrace. Yay! Spencer just came out!

Holy Crap. Spencer just came out! She realizes what this means and panics.

Spencer pleads with Chelsea, "Please don't tell anyone ‘cause no one in my family knows.”

Chelsea crosses her heart, but it turns out Clay has been listening in the doorway. He pipes up, "I do. But no one will know until you're ready."

That was really sweet. I'm glad that Clay is going to be all Tim Robbins about this.

Carlin Living Room — Arthur is waking up on the sofa again and Paula is bitching about having overslept.

Arthur: Well, that's what happens when you make your alarm clock sleep on the couch.

I'm totally digging the new back-talking Arthur!

Paula tells him that he has to stop being mad at her, and he begs to differ. She exits in puff of green smoke.

Gray — Ashley's birthday party is in full swing and there's a line at the door, ostensibly where all the less cool kids are waiting in vain to get in.

Inside, all is right with the world. Spencer and Ashley are dancing together (in a squeaky clean, dosey-do kind of way), Clay and Chelsea are cuddling in the corner, Glen looks totally doped up as he dirty dances with his crutch, Madison is serving drinks, and—huh?

Madison is the cocktail waitress? Ay dios mio!

Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd. Aiden has arrived, and he's brought Kyla! Everyone steps back for the inevitable Ashley/Kyla rumble.

Ashley jumps all over Aiden for defying her orders and bringing Kyla to the party, but he tells her that he knows that the girls would get along if they'd just give it a try.

Ashley: You don't know me at all. If you did, you wouldn't have brought her. This about you, Aiden.

Yep.

Kyla knows where she's not wanted (so she had to see this coming, right?) and storms out of the party. Aiden goes after her, and Ashley makes a “This party is ruined!” face at Spencer, who is probably starting to feel like she can't do anything right.

Outside Gray — Kyla is moping outside the club when Madison slips out to...comfort (?) her.

Madison: Look, you're new here and we really don't know each other, but—

Then she unloads all of the Aiden/Ashley/Spencer Season One dirty laundry so that Kyla can get up to speed. Aiden steps outside just in time to hear Madison tell Kyla that he once got Ashley pregnant.

Think quickly! Must not ruin chances with new girl! Tell her you were just donating sperm to your favorite lesbian, and reference She Hate Me.

But he shouldn't worry, because Kyla appears to be more upset by Aiden lying to her than the fact that he knocked up her half-sister.

Gray — Inside the club, Ashley is suffering from drama overload and has gone into seclusion. In the bathroom. She fiddles with her cel phone and calls her dead father's number—which has been disconnected—then bursts into tears.

Meanwhile, the camera dude from Behind the Music enters the bar and Spencer flips out.

Spencer: Perfect! The night just gets better. That guy's got a tape of me and Ashley kissing. I tried to get it back from him, but…if that gets on TV—if mom sees that--
Clay: She would freak!
Spencer: What am I gonna do?

Clay sets off for the tape, but instead gets into a shoving match with Camera Dude. I'm worried because Clay is more of a scholar than a fighter, so he might be starting something he can't finish. And he doesn't have a 70 lb camera that he could use as a weapon. But it's okay, because Clay has a strong left (brain) jab. He tells Camera Dude, "You're thinking of using something involving a minor who did not sign a release form?"

Oh yeah. Minors! For some reason, I always seem to forget that about them.

Clay makes a nice save, and it's a good thing that one of these kids actually attends classes and learns about the law and stuff.

Camera Dude admits that he wasn't going to use the footage anyway (“Your kiss didn't make this cut”) and instead gives them a copy of the show he's been shooting.

I'm not sure I trust him. The girls may not have made the Behind the Music cut, but they had better keep a close eye on any Girls Gone Wild ads that pop up on the Spike Channel over the next couple of weeks.

Ashley's Bedroom — Aiden and Kyla are looking through one of Ashley's scrapbooks. She's forgiven him for lying, and now she's looking for the back story on the Aiden/Ashley hook-up--and also any reasonable explanation for those photos of Aiden's old poofy hairdo.

Ashley storms into the room, and she's pissed that Aiden and Kyla are about to make out in her bed. Kyla tries to stick up for herself, but Ashley starts with the “Don't call me Ashley” routine again.

(What is she supposed to call her? “Mistress”? That's Spencer's thing.)

Ash makes some vaguely threatening catty remarks and brings up the inheritance--again. Kyla insists that it was never about the money, she just wanted to get to know Ashley so that she could better understand their dad.

Ashley tells Kyla that she can just learn about him from the Behind the Music episode, and dramatically tosses the Camera Dude's DVD into the player. But she's quickly humbled when she watches the clip and hears her father express regret about not spending more time with his family.

(His actual words were, “More hugs, less drugs.” Yes, the lead singer of Poison is quoting Nancy Reagan. The lion has lain down with the lamb.)

When he mentions his daughters, the girls look at each other and have simultaneous epiphanies without ever exchanging a word.

Aiden and Kyla leave Spencer there to comfort Ashley, who still doesn't want to be comforted.

Ashley: That's the only way I'll ever see my dad again. Old video footage and album covers…

(Which sounds a hell of a lot better than the faded Polaroids that most of us are left with.)

Kyla's Room — Aiden is giving Kyla puppy dog eyes and begging her to stick around despite all the hate she's getting from Ashley.

Ashley walks in on them again, but this time she's slouching in the doorway and looking a little contrite. Aiden splits and the girls start to negotiate a truce. Ashley is willing to try to “work it out” with Kyla for the sake of their father, but admits she'll probably still be a bitch (which I think automatically calls into question the definition of “working it out”).

Kyla wishes her a happy birthday, and Ashley tells her that it wasn't really her birthday after all.

Ashley: My birthday is next month. But Aiden and Spencer went to so much trouble that I couldn't bear to tell them.
Kyla: Well good. I'll have another month to figure out how to ruin that one too.

The episode ends with them sitting together on Kyla's bed, not scratching each other's eyes out.

Then we get a preview for a webisode in which Ashley is crying and making a Top Model-style confessional video. In it, she's sniffling, "Tell me that you loved me more than anything, tell me that I meant more to you than her."

At first, I was worried that this was about her and Aiden (they've been hinting that she might still like him), but when I watched the clip at The-N.com, I realized that the confession was all about her father. (It helped that the clip was entitled “Letter to Daddy.”)

But then that immediately conjured images of a 50-something Bette Davis (in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane) in pigtails and a Courtney Love-style children's dress singing “I've Written a Letter to Daddy.” Shudder.

In order to dispel that image, I checked out the online SON preview for the next episode, “Guess Who's Coming to Dinner”. It's a brief clip of the girls slipping about In Nature (okay, at a petting zoo after hours) with what looks to be a cooler full of booze. Just as they begin to kiss they are--surprise!--interrupted.

I'm beginning to think that Spencer's mom has inserted some sort of chip in Spencer's brain that operates like a variation on the movie Speed. The chip will make her head explode if a girl kisses her for longer than 3 seconds.

And I know the chip only works with girls because I watched Spencer maul Aiden last season while on their big Hollywood Bowl date for what seemed like hours, but with no negative consequences.

I know it sounds outrageous, but Spencer's mom is a nurse. So, as Judy Tenuta used to say, “It could happen!” Besides, what other explanation for all of this Spashley kissus interruptus could there possibly be?

tiene razón :lol: :lol: :lol:

Y la verdad el recap hizo el episodio un poco menos aburrido de lo que fue. :)

Me parto.... :parte: :parte: .... Jjajajajaja ... son geniales!!! ^^

No puedo estar mas de acuerdo!!!!! :parte: :parte:

Nuevo recap dl cuarto capitulo "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"




Nightfall at the Petting Zoo — An animal Petting Zoo, you perverts. Turtles, ponies, the occasional potbelly pig.

Anyway, Spencer and Ash are slipping about in the foliage with their mini-cooler of beer, hopefully avoiding goat droppings (and the resulting threat of E. Coli) on their romantic date in the wild. Spencer seems to be worried that this rendezvous is going to end up like The Descent; she is creeped out by Nature and the terrifying bleats and hoots of sheep and owls.

Or maybe she's just pretending to be a helpless damsel. I'm sure it's worked on her dates with boys. It's working on this date with a girl too.

Spencer: Scared?
Ashley: That's what makes it cool. But if you're scared you could move a little closer.

Spencer does, and then kisses Ashley for exactly 2.5 seconds before pulling away to fret over getting caught. I wish someone would tell Spencer that the "Three Second Rule” refers to eating food that's been dropped on the floor and not lesbian kisses.

Ashley assures her that no one else would be at the Petting Zoo at this unholy hour, but before she can begin plying Spence with liquor in earnest, the crackle of twigs signals that someone is there with them after all. I'm hoping its Lauren, finding her way home from The Amazing Race. The Petting Zoo with Ashley and Spencer is probably a "sequesterville" beyond her imagination.

But no, it's Aiden. It has to be Aiden because Spencer and Ashley were about to touch each other in a non-platonic way. Aiden and Kyla have miraculously appeared at the same part of the Petting Zoo, on the same night, and with the same intentions as Spencer and Ashley. I sure hope no one interrupts them!

Ashley and Spencer scurry away to spy on the straight lovebirds—which is what any self-respecting lesbian would do while on a date with her girlfriend, right?

Ashley: This is where Aiden and I used to come. I can't believe he's recycling our old places!
Spencer: And I can't believe you're doing the same thing!

Aiden blathers on about him being Tarzan and Kyla being Jane, and Kyla tells him to quit being an idiot but rewards him with a kiss anyway. Their kiss lasts a lot longer than 3 seconds. Kyla makes a point of telling Aiden that their date isn't going where he thinks it is—which I'm assuming means to sex, and not the Reptile House. This is because, gasp, Kyla's a virgin! I thought Clay was the only virgin at King High.

Before Aiden can even begin to consider the possibilities with this whole “virgin” thing, Ashley runs over to dissent.

Ashley: That is such bullcrap!

I'm intrigued, but baffled. If these two just met and are too ornery to even discuss hair care products, how would Ashley know anything about Kyla's status as a virgin?

Carlin Family Chapel — Spencer and Ashley are headed out for school.

Spencer: I got your 40 million text messages. Why do you care who Aiden dates?

Red Flag. Repeat, Red Flag. Run, Spencer, run!

Ashley: Okay, it's a rule. You don't date your sister's boyfriend.
Spencer: Ex-boyfriend.

Red flag that has been soaked in kerosene and set on fire! Abort, Spencer, abort!

Spencer: As your girlfriend, I'm telling you that you need to stop obsessing over this.
Ashley: As your ride to school in my brand new convertible, I'm telling you that you really need to start taking my side.

My momentary delight at Spencer's breakthrough with the word “girlfriend” is interrupted when Paula enters the room. She gives Ashley a terse, obligatory greeting then tells Spencer that she needs a favor from her, but she thinks that it is one she'll like.

Paula has set Spencer up on a blind date with a guy named Patrick. He's the son of some woman from their church, and Paula's sure that Spencer could have a very vanilla good time with this altar boy.

Spencer is indignant, but Ashley finds the situation hilarious. Yeah, it's all fun and games until your girlfriend is renouncing her lesbian “experiment” at the Catholic Youth Convention.

Paula doesn't understand why Spencer isn't screaming in ecstasy at the prospect of dating a boy, even some random boy that she's never met before.

Paula: He's really cute. You're not dating anyone, right?
Spencer: No. Why?
Paula: Because I invited him to dinner, tonight.

Ashley no longer finds the situation hilarious. She gives Spencer the “Oh. My. God. How could you?” look and Spencer whispers a sheepish apology.

King High School Art Room — Chelsea is pleading with Clay to open a letter sent to her by an art school to which she's applied. She can't handle the suspense, so Clay obliges. Chelsea's been accepted to an art school in France! This means that Clay's been accepted to One More Year of Virginity University!

He's disappointed, but a nice enough guy to congratulate adorable Chelsea as she bounces around in glee and practices saying, “Non, je suis le Canadien.”

KHS Lockers — Clay tells Sean about Chelsea's possible departure to France and Sean is, as usual, philosophical about the whole thing. He gives him a modern variation of the “If you love something, set it free” pep talk. Sean is really mature for his age. Why doesn't he have a girlfriend?

Across the way, Glen is Angry Addict Boy, slamming his locker and pinching up his face. Is he out of pills again? Madison witnesses the outburst and deigns to speak to him. He tells her that his ligaments haven't healed yet, and that he won't be eligible for his basketball scholarship unless he passes his physical exam.

Madison, who apparently thinks one can buy “answers” to a physical online, like term papers or Lip Venom, takes her standard “What's the big deal if it doesn't apply to me?” approach. For some reason, this is a bit of a turn-on for Glen and they banter a little about their old relationship. She walks away and he pops a pill.

KHS Schoolyard — Aiden is griping about the fact that he didn't get to date Kyla when she was a slut. She explains why she changed her ways and how she considers herself a “born again virgin.” She tells him she wants to get to know him before she sleeps with him. I'm thrilled that we are getting this thoughtful heart to heart about sex and relationships from the straight kids and not Spencer and Ashley, because who wants to hear that, right?

Spencer's Bedroom — Don't get your hopes up.

Ashley is bitching about Kyla (“She's just so fake. Even her hymen is faux.” Ha!) Spencer is sitting on her bed, not being ravished by Ashley. She looks just as irritated by this fact as I am.

Ashley: That's it. I'm making a new law. He can't see her anymore.
Spencer: You're what?
Ashley: She wants to save herself for marriage, and I'm saving him from her.
Spencer: I think we're all sort of adults. I mean, we should be able to choose who we go out with.

Right on cue, Paula drops by Spencer's room and announces, “Your date should be here any minute. Good night, Ashley.” Ashley gets an even crankier look on her face.

Spencer: I'm sorry about tonight, I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Ashley: I don't know, Spencer, maybe you could come out to your parents.
Spencer: You know I can't do that.
Ashley: Well maybe I can't be your dirty little secret anymore!
Spencer: Well maybe that's because you already have one. You still have feelings for Aiden.

Him again? Really? Ashley stomps out of the house and walks into Spencer's date at the front door. He looks like he could be William Mapother's son. Which would make him Tom Cruise's cousin. This can't be good.

Patrick: I'm Patrick. Are you Spencer?
Ashley: No. But you might want to come in because she's not coming out.

The only good thing about a Spencer and Ashley quarrel is watching Ashley storm away. She's just really good at it. Hmm…that might be a red flag too.

Carlin Dinner Table (Spencer's Last Straight Supper) — Paula has trotted out the fine china for Spencer's big arranged date. The table is set with flowers and candles, and the whole Carlin clan (and Patrick) have joined hands and bowed their heads in humble prayer. Paula is so grateful for her daughter's heterosexuality that she just keeps praying. And praying. Everyone else exchanges “What the hell?” looks until she finally shuts up.

Patrick inquires about their move to Los Angeles, and Paula tells him that they came to LA for all the opportunities for career and meeting new friends.

Arthur: Or staying close to old ones.

He's talking about Dr. Ben, of course. The old flame with whom Paula has been canoodling. It's a good thing Arthur has a napkin so he can wipe up those drips of sarcasm. He gives Paula a look that tells her just how much he hates her, and he doesn't even hide it from the kids. Or Patrick.

Is that scotch in Arthur's glass?

Paula blathers on about how she wants her kids to have the right sort of friends, and this includes Clay's Chelsea.

Paula: We're really lucky that Clay found such a nice, normal girl like Chelsea.

When she says “normal” she shoots Spencer a look. This is Spencer's reminder that Ashley is not “normal,” because Spencer has probably forgotten that Paula feels this way. Clay looks horrified to be used as a pawn in Paula's homophobic patter, but he looks even more upset when she tells him that he'd better not let Chelsea “get away.”

Gray Nightclub — Madison apparently did “work something out” with the bartender at Gray, because now she's waiting tables. Madison complains about her crappy tips and Ashley breezes by to tell her, “You could always go back to pole dancing.” (This is Ashley's N-approved version of “You are a whore, darlin'”.

Ashley sidles up to the bar and gripes about her “damaged day” to the barkeep, Cat.

Ashley: So my new sister's dating my old boyfriend, which must be like incest or polygamy or something that causes babies to come out with three of everything. Meanwhile, my new girlfriend thinks I'm jealous of my old boyfriend and new sister and their three-headed baby, so she's going on a date with a guy--yeah, a guy. Some church boy that her mom, who isn't exactly ‘Yay Gay' set her up with. Because she won't tell her that she prefers girls, not guys. I know, it's confusing.

Cat is not confused. She may have had extensive therapeutic training and may actually be an LCSW. She points out that Ashley just talked about everyone else, but that she hasn't mentioned anything about herself.

Cat: What's important to you? To Ashley?

Ashley has an “I've Never Been to Me” moment, and sits in stunned silence. Like most teenagers, Ashley really hasn't spent enough time thinking about herself and what she wants. It's a problem.

Carlin Household — Paula is cleaning up the dinner dishes and closes the door to the other room, giving Spencer and Patrick some privacy. Compared to how she treats a visit from Ashley, it's as if she's put fresh sheets on the bed and cued up a Barry White CD. Spencer and Patrick commiserate about how lame parents can be, and he tells her that he actually already has a girlfriend -- one that his parents don't like. Paula's right, they DO have a lot in common!

Gray Nightclub—Glen finds Madison bitching about how her crappy tips are going to keep her from Being Someone in Los Angeles. Glen tells her that she's already a total rock star, and that she doesn't need to buy her way back “in.” The compliments are foreplay for Madison, and the two stumble into a bathroom stall for a quickie.

Chelsea's Art Studio — Chelsea is painting her little heart out on a giant mural, and Clay watches in amazement. Seeing her in her element makes him decide that he will let her go to Paris without begging her to stay there with him. The whole “if you love someone, set them free” bit finally gets Clay laid!

Gray Bathroom Stall — Madison bursts out of the stall in a huff, while Glen fumbles with his zipper (and his crutch), telling her that “it” has never happened before. Madison takes “it” very personally, and suggests that maybe Spencer isn't the only homo in the Carlin family. Glen reminds her that he's on medication, which, as we all know, can have a certain unfortunate side effect. (Yet another perk of being a lesbian--"it" never happens to us!)

Carlin Kitchen — Spencer merrily tells Paula that Patrick has left the building, apparently “not interested” in her at all. Paula is really bummed. But it's okay.

Paula: A lot of my friends at church have sons your age.

Spencer finally realizes that she's just going to have to keep blowing off church boys unless she comes out to her family.

Gym Exterior — Aiden has brought Kyla to the gym for a date. She makes fun of him for being “such a guy” but we see Aiden signal a janitor (or creepy serial killer or whoever the guy in the shadows is), and this probably means that there is more to this gym date than meets the eye. He and Shadow Man must have set up some kind of lavishly romantic scenario in this unlikely location.

Gym Interior — Aiden leads Kyla into the gym, where he reveals the big surprise: a few candles, some flowers, and a blanket in the middle of an empty gymnasium. Kyla is overwhelmed by this intricate, imaginative, and daring gesture.

Kyla: How did you do this?
Aiden: You spend enough time on these courts, you make a few friends.

They passionately embrace, and this grand display of love just might convince Kyla to kill off her virginity one last time. What's the big deal? It's like in Re-Animator – dead tissue can always be reborn.

Gray Nightclub – The bar has shut down, and Madison is tallying her paltry tips. Low on moral fiber, but high on ingenuity (like her dad?) Madison fudges the numbers on some credit card slips to make her night of work worthwhile. And for now, she gets away with it.

Ashley's Bedroom — Kyla slips into Ashley's room to return some borrowed clothes, but Ashley is lying in wait. They argue over Aiden because he's “not that important” to Ashley, but are interrupted when Ashley's Bitch Mother waltzes in. She tells Kyla that she has two tickets to a Victoria's Secret runway show.

Bitch Mother: There'll be tons of cute boys there, and their new line is so classically feminine. Sound like fun?

Yes, another potshot at Ashley for being so damn butch. Am I the only one who's noticed that this girl lives in miniskirts and slinky tops? When the SON moms aren't out cruising young boys (for their daughters, of course) they are policing the gender border like a couple of Minutemen!

Ashley reminds her Bitch Mother that she exists and asks if she can go to the Victoria's Secret runway show. And really, wouldn't gay Ashley appreciate a lingerie show a lot more than straight Kyla—who can always buy from the catalogue? Bitch Mother archly tells Ashley that she didn't think she would be interested in such feminine trifles, but Ashley takes a stand.

Ashley: Come on, Mom. We both know what this is about.
Bitch Mother: Ashley, I don't think we should bring this up in front of Kyla.
Ashley: Why not? She's part of the family now, right?
Kyla: Um, I'm going to go to bed now. (She skedaddles away to her wing of the mansion.)
Bitch Mother: You have no right to make her feel uncomfortable just because we have problems.
Ashley: We don't have problems. You do. Ever since you find out I was gay. It's like I'm invisible. Like you don't even have a daughter anymore.
Bitch Mother: That's not true! You've just grown up, and we've gone our separate ways.
Ashley: Well I haven't gone anywhere Mom! I think it's time for me to stop waiting for you…to love me again.

Her Bitch Mother doesn't deny anything Ashley has said, and scuttles back to her lair. Poor Ash.

Carlin House of Pain — Paula is ruminating about all of the eligible teenage boys that Spencer can date, while Arthur stews in a pungent mix of agony and bitterness. And scotch. He all but tells her to shut up, then adds that her matchmaking is simply a distraction from their rapidly decaying marriage. He suggests they focusing on fixing their relationship instead.

Paula experiences a fleeting moment of vulnerability and asks, “What if we can't?”

Ashley's Convertible — Spencer slips out of her house into Ashley's fancy new ride. They sweetly apologize to one another for the fight.

Ashley: You had every right to be mad at me. And I don't have feelings for Aiden anymore. I only have feelings for you.
Spencer: Thank you. I really need to do something. I need to come out to my parents. I'm tired of keeping us a secret, but I'm so scared about how they're going to react. What should I say?
Ashley: Nothing. I know that I gave you a lot of crap about it earlier, but I look at the way my mom treats me because I'm gay—like I'm less of a daughter somehow. And I don't want you to go through that.
Spencer: That sucks. What am I supposed to do, never come out to my parents?
Ashley: No, that's not what I'm saying. You've just changed a lot since you've come here, Spencer. And your parents…not so much. You just have to pick the right moment, ‘cause you only get one.
Spencer: Why does it have to be so hard?
Ashley: It has to be. Otherwise we wouldn't realize how important it really is.

They feel a surge of great importance and kiss—for four whole seconds! It's a new record y'all! Glenn watches from his bedroom up above, and slams his window shut in a hissy fit of homophobic disgust. If only he were on the right medication, maybe he would think he could fly…

Preview of next week – A bikini-clad Ashley slathers lotion all over a bikini-clad Spencer. I think some other stuff happens too, but who cares?

:parte:

Jajajjaja... :parte: :parte: Flores para el que lo escribió.... :flores:

***Speakless* :parte: :lol:


En fin... son geniales... :vueltasss:

Recap de "Rules Of Engagement"



Festering Yet Festive Vat of Germs (aka A Pool Party) — Aiden is prancing around shirtless again. I guess it's to be expected at a pool party, but still, I thought he was getting professional help for that.

All teen female personnel have been summoned poolside to jiggle about wildly in their bikinis. Across the lawn Arthur and Paula are playing badminton. He gently taps the birdie over the net, and she spikes it back at his face at top speed in a match that is less a game than a metaphor for their entire relationship.

Glen is splashing around like an idiot in the shallow (naturally) end of the pool. He completes an ill-advised dive and splashes water all over Chelsea, just to remind all of us at home how lucky we are not to have to hang out with the Glens of the world anymore.

Poolside, Ashley innocuously applies lotion to Spencer's back. Well, innocuous to anyone but a paranoid little creep who's been knocking back pain pills with his lemonade all day. Glen tells Ashley, “Just keep your hands inside the rails. This is a family day, not Homo Happy Hour.”

I loathe him.

Arthur tries to convince Glen to fire up the grill with him but Glen declines, as it would involve getting up off his ass and being useful. Actually, the excuse he gives is, “A guy's got to watch to make sure things don't get all NC-17.”

Paula: (terror-stricken) What does that mean?
Glen: (looking over at Ashley and Spencer) Well these girls are—

Aiden jumps in and changes the subject, and even throws Glen back into the pool for good measure. It shuts Glen up, but only temporarily.

Paula chats with Clay and Chelsea, then gloats, “I love seeing them together. Now that is a real relationship,” deftly making a dig at three different people (Arthur, Spencer, Ashley) with one well-chosen zinger. She's a pro.

Kyla overhears, and is compassionate despite the fact that Ashley torments her non-stop.

Kyla: It must suck to be Ashley and Spencer.
Aiden: What do you mean?
Kyla: They have to sneak around while Clay and Chelsea can just be.
Aiden: I didn't know you cared so much about your sister.
Kyla: Love is hard enough in a perfect world. It must be so painful for them in theirs.

Spencer and Ashley are doing a good job of keeping their hands off of each other, but Paula still stares menacingly over her glasses at them. A seasoned expert at outfoxing concerned mothers of queer daughters throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area, Ashley is amused and tells Spencer, “If your mom keeps looking at me that way I'm going to start thinking she wants to date me too." (Which really wouldn't be so bad because aside from her tedious self-righteous morality, Paula is a total MILF.)

Glen has no sense of humor, but--like a dog--he does seem to posses a keen sense of hearing. He interrupts them with a blustery (not to mention obvious), “Mom doesn't swing that way!” Ashley snaps back with, “Get a life, ass-eyes” and takes leave of the boring and relentlessly hetero party.

With Ashley out of the picture, Glen turns on Spencer.

Glen: She just makes me feel all funny inside. You?
Spencer: What's your problem?
Glen: I'm not the one with the problem.
Spencer: You know what Glen, you are really starting to piss me off.
Glen: Maybe this is a conversation we should have with (loudly) MOM AND DAD.
Spencer: Yeah and maybe we should talk to them about all the pills you're taking.

They agree to an uneasy “truce” that Glen is certain to break.

Another Day of No Classes, Assignments or Assemblies at King High — It's Club Day at KHS, and the banner exhorts students to “Come Find Your Next Obsession.” When I read it, I thought it was an ad for a new KHS dating service, but then I guess that says more about me than the folks who design the banners for Club Day.

Madison arrives and doesn't like the lack of traffic at the cheerbitch booth. She tells the cheerleaders, “The table wouldn't be dead if there wasn't a corpse running it! Get moving!” and angrily tosses a pom pom in the face of her Purple-Haired Minion.

I just noticed that the Cheerleaders are called the “Snake Charmers” which undoubtedly invites all sort of nasty sophomoric innuendo. Whose idea was that?

Ashley, Spencer, Clay and Chelsea wander into the "Next Obsession" zone, and Ashley is so put off by it all. She sneers, “I've never understood why people have to go all joiner. Isn't it enough to just do what you do?”

She is as contrary as a cat. And this is exactly why I came up as Ashley on the “Which SON Character Are You?” quiz. (Experience tells me that this particular attitude problem is unlikely to improve with age.)

Chelsea counters with a sunny take on it all. “I think it's nice to feel like you belong to something bigger than yourself.” Chelsea obviously scored as Abraham Lincoln on the “Which Famous World Leader Are You?” quiz. (I was JFK. Looks like things won't end well for either of us.)

Ashley: Right. Like the math-letes have to feel like some small cog in a larger geek machine? Please.
Clay: It looks good on a college resume.
Ashley: You belong to the math club don't you?
Spencer: He's the Vice President.

Spencer has finally joined the conversation after floating around the tables in a silent, trance-like state. You'd think she was solemnly walking a labyrinth and not cruising for a new after-school activity.

Clay and Chelsea exit to get their “logarithm on” (SON previews indicate that this will have some pretty serious consequences), while Spencer and Ashley continue to walk the KHS social gauntlet.

Ash suddenly grabs Spencer's arm and barks, “Spencer, stay away!” when she spies the Gay-Straight America table. (The “straight” contingency must have designed the poster, because it is decidedly un-fabulous.)

Ashley gets the hell out of there, snottily telling Spencer that if she needs her, she will find her “loser-adjacent.” I think Ashley has a bit of a Daffyd-complex—but with way cuter outfits.

Spooked, Spencer dutifully steers away from the Homo Club booth but casts a longing gaze at its shoddy, salmon-colored poster that just may signal her New Life.

Smelly Gym — Aiden pounds a punching bag (while wearing a shirt!) and is soon approached by a sporty blonde who looks like Denise Richards's butch younger sister.

Denise Richards Jr.: That all you got pretty boy?
Aiden: Tough talk for a chick.
Denise Richards Jr.: Alright, not bad, not bad. How long have you been working out here?
Aiden: Just a couple of months.
Denise Richards Jr.: I'm surprised I missed you.

He feels confusing pangs of fidelity to Kyla and begs off from the sweaty pillow talk. And it's a good thing because Kyla has her eye on him. She tries to hustle him out of the gym, and Aiden wants to skip out of dorktastic Club Day and head for the beach. But Kyla is eager to attend, telling him, “I need to meet people outside of this little dysfunctional group that I've been thrown into—except for you, I mean.”

The Snake Charmer Pit — Madison and her Purple-Haired Minion are discussing routines and landings and other stuff we wouldn't care about even if we actually attended King High. PHM is getting sassy with Madison, whose life-sucking grip on the World of Cheer is slipping thanks to her new role as working and (defrauding) stiff at Gray.

Glen arrives for his daily dose of humiliation from Madison, which mixes well with his daily doses of OxyC.

Madison: You want to join us?
PHM: Yeah, we could use some boys.

This would be a perfect activity for Glen now that basketball is probably out of the picture. In fact, one of his heroes was a cheerleader. But he declines.

Glen: No thanks. I think I'm going to go find something a man can do.
Madison: Oh but what if you can't do it?
PHM: Right! How embarrassing that must be.

After having successfully chased Glen away with references to humiliating (and now well-publicized) side-effects from his medication, Madison is bored. So she and her PHM spontaneously perform a sleazy, t.A.T.u.-ish cheer routine designed to draw a crowd to their deserted booth. And it actually works.

Across campus, Kyla and Aiden are still dancing around the sex/no-sex dilemma. Every conversation they have is really an exchange of euphemisms that refer to their sexual standoff.

Aiden: Next time you come to the gym, you should work out with me.
Kyla: Well it looks like you already have someone filling in that spot. Plus kickboxing's not really my thing.
Aiden: Well what's your “thing”?
Kyla: What, I can only have one?

See what I mean?

Kyla ends the volley when she squeals, without any irony, “Oh my God!!! There's the drama club!!!”

She's off to be recruited by her fellow geeks (trust me, I was in the drama club, I know) and Aiden is left wondering how he has picked yet another unavailable girl (trust me, I – oh never mind).

Club Day Epicenter — Sean is alone at the Filmmaker Club table--or at least that's what I think it is. On display is some unfortunate poster art that looks more like an advertisement for Serial Killer Enthusiasts than anything cinematic. Because he has no one to whom he can pitch the study of Werner Herzog, he focuses on deconstructing Spencer as she wanders by.

Sean tells her, “You should make up your mind. You've been to every table in the quad except the one that you've been stalking.” Spencer is surprised that Sean can so easliy see through her. I'm surprised that a straight guy is encouraging a cute girl to be a lesbian.

Glen is collecting some literature at the Cannon Fodder Club table. Unlike Duke University, they're so desperate to have him that they won't even care about his mangled ACL.

Kyla breathlessly rushes over to Aiden to cancel their date so she can audition for a "femme fatale” role in an independent film. (I need to tell my actor friends that they should dump their talent agents and head over to KHS Club Day if they want fast results!) If Aiden really cared about her, he would tell her to keep their date. Kyla is pure "girl next door" and should leave the vamping to Ashley.

Queers "R" Us Booth — A pretty boy in a tight lavender (!) t-shirt tells Spencer that Gay-Straight America is “all about bringing gay and straight students together” (though I suspect she had already figured that out). He also tells her that it's about “letting people be who they are no matter who it is.”

Spencer seems to take some comfort in this utopian vision, but that beautiful moment is shattered when a menacing no-neck (no, not Henry Rollins — he's on our side) approaches the table and picks a fight.

It's the standard “don't look at me” crap that only ugly homophobic straight guys say. After a futile attempt to diffuse the situation, the sassy little queen can't help but mouth off to the thug. “You're not my type” are the last words he utters before getting a fist in the face.

Unfortunately, Spencer gets an elbow in the face, and she goes down hard. It's going to be a whopper of a bruise, but it's obviously not life-threatening. So it's kind of weird when Ashley and Clay swoop in to pull the marginally-injured Spencer to safety while others stand around and aimlessly watch the gay guy get stomped into the pavement.

Our Lady of Perpetual Judgment Catholic Hospital — Paula guides a bandaged Spencer out to the lobby where her brothers and Ashley are waiting. She has a black eye and possibly a concussion, which means it's probably a good time for Ashley to get Spencer to agree to anything that she wouldn't normally sign off on. (To be clear, I have no idea what that might be or what their safeword is.)

Spencer can't believe that something like this could happen (Welcome to Gaydom!). Ashley is disgusted, and yet somewhat blase. You'd think she lobbed the first bottle at Stonewall or something.

Ashley: Stupid guys and their stupid testosterone.
Spencer: This wasn't some random guy fight! Why are people so horrible?

As if to validate Spencer's whole “people are horrible” fear, Glen spews his clueless vitriol all over Ashley. He snarls, “This is your fault. If you weren't that way my sister never would have gotten hurt.”

He is so stupid. Ashley was far away, being a non-joiner, and nowhere in the vicinity of the fight. He might as well blame Lance Bass.

Ashley: You must be high!
Glen: Somebody has to man-up around here and do something!

Glen is The Decider!

He grabs Spencer and starts to drag her out of the room. Clay steps in and tries to calm Glen down, which has just the effect you would imagine. But worse.

Glen: You're such an idiot for being okay with this!
Clay: She's our sister! You act like she's deliberately out to hurt us.
Glen: She's not OUR sister, okay? She's MY sister.

Everyone has their line, and Glen just careened over Clay's. Clay proceeds to kick Glen's ass (finally, some one has “manned up” to do this) until Paula comes in and breaks them up.

Carlin Court House — Arthur is giving the nice-guy-dad-who-has-just-about-had-it speech to the three Carlin siblings. They're lined up on the sofa brooding, and no one is spilling the beans.

Except for Old Ass Eyes.

Glen: I can tell you exactly whose fault all this is --
Spencer: (pointedly) Owwww. My head hurts. Can I have some of Glen's pain killers?

Paula won't let Spencer become a junkie and a lesbian all in the same semester, so she puts the kibosh on anything more psychedelic than Tylenol.

The Carlin kids' code of silence gets them sent to their room and grounded from TV, cel phones and computers (plus pre-marital sex—gay or straight—and excessive use of narcotics).

And Paula is all atwitter because some of her own bigotry has ricocheted back at her and her family. She tells Arthur, “I talked to the school and they are calling this a hate crime. Spencer was a part of that! I had to bandage up MY daughter today because she got caught in the middle of something crazy that Ashley drove her into.”

Yes, the police file on this particular gay-bashing will definitely contain a mug shot of Ashley--looking impossibly glamorous despite the blood and brain matter caked onto her knuckles.

Arthur defends Spencer's right to her own life, and his devoted wife snorts, “Save the social worker crap for someone who's buying it.” No wonder he's always drunk.

King High School Parking Lot — Madison spies Kyla moping around and presses her for information. The normally level-headed Kyla opens up to Madison about her big sex dilemma with Aiden. Madison “helps” with some good old fashioned fear mongering, telling Kyla that if she won't take care of Aiden's “needs” then someone else surely will.

Kyla buys into it and beats feet to Aiden's gym, where he is busy flirting with Denise Richards Jr. Kyla tries to un-break their date and Aiden gently blows her off.

KHS Lockers — Ashley surprises Spencer with a teddy bear and — much to Spencer's delight — carries her books for her. These gallant little gestures make Spencer all flirty and girly, and for the first time this week they look like a couple!

But they haven't ridden that wave for more than a few footsteps when they encounter a major buzz-kill. The gay guy who was attacked calls out to Spencer, and let's just say that his wounds required more than a dainty little butterfly bandage on the forehead.

He's propped up on a crutch, his arm in a cast and his face purple and swollen. Yet he's in surprisingly good spirits, and eager to capitalize on the incident as a wake-up call for the school. He invites Spencer to a “strategy meeting,” but Ashley jumps in and questions his motives.

Ashley: Strategy for what?
Injured Gay Guy: For moving forward! This whole thing upped our visibility by 100%. You've gotta come. You're one of the victims. This will be a great opportunity.

I've heard the old saying that there's "no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary” but considering the fact that this incident nearly instigated his own obituary, he is a tad overzealous.

Ashley is livid, telling him, “Are you kidding? My girlfriend has a concussion and now you want her to be your spokesmodel? This is your fault that she's hurt at all, so why don't you just leave us alone. Go on with your little strategy party, but just stay out of our faces.”

Still in high school, but already engaged in grassroots community-building!

Now, Spencer is pissed. She tells Ashley, “What is wrong with you? You sound just like that guy who beat him up. And Glen. I don't even know what to say to you.”

Spencer stomps away more enlightened than ever.

King High Parking Lot — Kyla watches helplessly as Denise Richards Jr. pick ups Aiden at school. Madison cozies up to her like a concerned friend who wants to help. She does that by sharing her considerable expertise on the subject of Aiden. She seems genuine, but the fact that she then offers to treat Kyla to some retail therapy with stolen money undermines the gesture.

Café Carlin — Arthur is in the kitchen, once again blathering on about his own culinary prowess, while Glen mindlessly plays video games in the other room. I'm just glad that I don't have to live with these guys.

Paula whips through the door in a funnel cloud of negativity, barking “Did you see the paper today?”

Arthur answers back with a disinterested “No,” then continues on with his "Børk! Børk! Børk!" Swedish Chef routine. Arthur's version is in French, but no less annoying.

Paula says she's glad that Spencer's name wasn't in the paper, and Arthur ignores her and asks about the crossword puzzle. They somehow avoid a smackdown and end up comforting one another. For now.

Chelsea's Art Studio — Spencer is hanging out with the one person in her group of friends with any damn sense, and they are rapping about oppression.

Chelsea: Don't get me wrong, I love having you here. But who are you hiding from?
Spencer: Everybody. I've just been a little overwhelmed lately. I don't see why everyone is so freaked out. It's not like we're hurting anybody.
Chelsea: It's just ignorance. People are afraid of difference. Believe me, I get it too. Half the world doesn't know I exist because I'm black, the other half want to give me special treatment because I'm black and the rest are terrified of me because—gasp—I'm black!
Spencer: People can be so awful!
Chelsea: It's just fear. You've got to live your own life. Don't worry about people calling you names.
Spencer: Like “queer” or “dyke.”
Chelsea: Or “nigger.”
Spencer: Yeah…

I'm going to spoil the moment and dumb it down a notch by noting how funny is it to hear Spencer say the word “dyke.” It's like listening to your proper old grandma sing along with Peaches. Scandalous!

Carlin Home — Glen is still sitting around playing video games—which is what he'd be doing even if he weren't injured—when Clay comes home.

After what happened between them at the hospital, they need to have a serious talk.

Glen: Why didn't you rat me out to mom and dad?
Clay: You want to deal with this right now? Ok fine. I have no idea what is going on with you. Nobody even knows you anymore.
Glen: This isn't my fault, it's Spencer's!
Clay: Stop blaming everybody else. You're the one who's acting like an ass. That thing you said to me at the hospital
Glen: About that —
Clay: The bottom line is this: even though you apparently don't think I'm your brother, I still know that you're mine. And that's why I didn't rat you out.

Chelsea's Studio — Ashley shows up at Chelsea's pad with what Patti LaBelle would call a "new attitude." She tells Spencer, “You're upset and hurt. And I'm sorry. I know you think I was wrong, Spencer, and maybe I was. But here's the thing: I was protecting you. And when it comes down to having the choice of being right or protecting you, I'll be wrong every single time. Because it's just who I am.”

It's a good speech, and you'd think it would get Ashley some sugar. But alas, it only warrants a hand on her knee and a dreamy— and possibly delirious—gaze.

Next Week — Spencer wears Ashley's clothes, goes back to the future with a Seven of Nine hairdo, and gets an unexpected visit from an old BFF who is now just an ASS.

Recap capitulo "That is So Not Mom"


King High — Ashley is tying Spencer up in the girls' bathroom!

Well, she's tying up the laces on the weird backwards, mini-vest that Spencer is wearing.

I'm just trying to sex things up for us here, people, because these two aren't getting very far on their own.

Our girls are, however, bold with their words. Spencer is fretting over looking like an "Ashley-wannabe" in the borrowed top, but Ash is relishing the thrill of seeing Spencer wearing her clothes.

Ashley: You look great, Spencer. I like you wearing my clothes. Maybe you'll think about me all day.
Spencer: I already think about you all day. I tanked my history final the other day because you're all I ever think about.

This is the part where any other TV teenagers (straight or gay and on Showtime) would start climbing all over each other as they stumbled into a bathroom stall for a quickie. Instead, Ashley just adjusts Spencer's wacktastic vest like she's a salesgirl at The Gap.

Chelsea emerges from a stall, and because she's Chelsea she's completely un-freaked out by their patter. Or maybe she's just as surprised as me to find them NOT making out after all of that verbal foreplay. She is friendly in a cursory way, but she's just not her usually bubbly self. She makes a quick exit as Spencer's phone starts ringing.

Spencer: It's my mom. She's called me like 800 times today, telling me to come home right after school.
Ashley: Why?
Spencer: I don't know. It's gotta be drama.
Ashley: Maybe her alien spaceship came back and she just wants to say goodbye.

If an alien spaceship has landed at the Carlin's, they are most definitely looking for Spencer—or at least her new hairdo.

Glen's Apothecary Chest— Glen is popping pain pills at his locker, and Clay catches him. When he expresses concern, Glen gives him the usual lip. He tells Clay, "Doctors' studies have proven that if you mind your own damn business it can actually decrease your heart rate."

Is it wrong that I like Glen better as an addict? Most people just think that they're funnier, smarter and more interesting when they're high. Glen actually is!

Clay doesn't have time to stand around trying to come up with a snappy comeback. He's totally stressed because he's been called in to the Principal's Office. For the first time. Ever. Glen is psyched to hear this and limps along behind Clay like a gimpy little puppy, barking “What? Why? What for?”

Can we get a choke chain for that thing?

Clay says that his mom is there and needs to see him, and I think we all know where this is going. Remember that Clay has two mommies, and not in that fabulously transgressive Leslea Newman kind of way.

As Clay and Fido walk into the office, Clay's birth mother breathlessly says, “Well hello, Clay.”

The funnier, smarter and more interesting Glen says, “That is so not mom!”

The Office— Clay is understandably shocked to find his birth mother at his school. After his last meeting with her, he didn't really expect to see her again. Or maybe he was hoping he wouldn't because she is about 10 times more irritating than his adoptive mother (who we could call his “afterbirth mom,” if we really wanted to).

Birth mom has relocated to Los Angeles to be closer to him and she gives him all of her new contact information. She wants to be a part of his life if she'll let him.

Clay: I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to say to all of this.
Mom: Just say you'll call me. Soon!

Judging by her desperate tone, I think she may need a kidney.

Glen is slightly impressed that Clay has a secret from “the ‘rents” and he agrees to help keep the birth mom information from them until Clay is ready to say something about it.

King High Parking Lot— Kyla is making yet another futile attempt to get a ride home from Ashley, who blows her off per the norm. Spencer tries to get Ash to play nice, but it's not happening.

Maybe if she pulled a stun gun out of that giant beehive hairdon't that she's sporting she could zap Ashley into submission. And then she could…braid Ashley's hair or tie her shoelaces or do some other non-sexual thing to her while she's in that defenseless position.

Aiden roars up in his SUV just in time to rescue Kyla from the horrible fate of a school bus. Not only does he offer her a ride home, he offers to teach her how to drive!

Carlin Home— Ashley and Spencer roll in and Dr. Feelbad (aka Paula) is standing right there in the foyer to greet them. “Greet” is really too strong of a word for what she does with Ashley. It's more accurate to say that Paula “regards” her. Paula has fallen down in an Edith Wharton novel, and she can't get up.

Spencer: Everything okay, Mom? Your calls kinda freaked me out.
Paula: Your look is kinda freaking me out.

Word!

Then, out of nowhere, a screeching blonde whirlwind tears into the room and attacks Spencer. It's like the black smoke swarm that kicked Mr. Eko's ass last week on Lost, but with highlights.

The dervish in question is, Deb, Spencer's BFF from her old life in Normalsville. Paula has flown her into Los Angeles in an emergency attempt to resuscitate Spencer's heterosexuality. The two blondes leap about and emit Mariah Carey-esque dolphin squeals as Ashley looks on in dismay. When Spencer introduces Deb to Ashley, Deb gives our little lesbo the big brush off.

Dipstick Glen comes home and is positively thrilled to see Deb back in full effect. She is the anti-Ashley, which means she is dumb, boring and might sleep with him. He invites himself along to hang out with her and Spencer, then gets into a power struggle with Paula over his physical therapy schedule. It seems that Paula is his physical therapist, which makes me think of the film Misery. Actually, it conjures scenes from the French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) parody of Misery -- which is even better than the real thing.

While Glen and Paula bicker, Spencer and Deb begin a bizarre, silent cheer routine that involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair flipping. It's a bad mime act that would have Marcel Marceau clubbing them both over the head with an invisible hammer.

Ashley looks like she'd like to use an actual hammer. Not even Spencer's enticing hip swiveling is going to make Ashley unfold her arms and participate in a group hug with these two spritzheads. Compared to them, Ashley resembles a teen Hothead Paisan.

Aiden's Gas Guzzler — For a born-again virgin, Kyla sure has a dirty mouth. She is playing fast and loose with sexual metaphors while thrashing Aiden's transmission with her novice driving skills. But Aiden must be accustomed to this treatment by now. That guy is like a human cat toy, tormented, teased and battered about as he is by all those King High strumpets.

Aiden makes a futile attempt to escape the death mobile, but Kyla unleashes her inner Madison and barks, “Get in the car and shut up!” He obeys and mutters that she's bossy, but then says, “That's hot.”

I'm not going to cry for you, Argentina. You like your women hot and hateful, just like I used to, so what do you expect?

Chelsea's Art Studio— Clay is freaking out because his birth mother has dropped the bomb of her arrival in his lap, and Chelsea is trying to cheer him up. Sort of. Chelsea has a bit of an edge about her, and she soon becomes exasperated with Clay's complaints. Chelsea reminds him that his mother was just a girl when she put him up for adoption, and Clay thinks this means that Chelsea is taking his mother's side over his. (No, it just means that maybe you should have considered birth control when you got laid last week, dude.)

Glen's Romper Room – Paula has, of course, noticed that Glen is running out of pain pills way too quickly, and she confronts him while he's playing a video game. He tries to blame it on Spencer, but Paula's not buying it. She calls for back-up in the form of Arthur and tells Glen that if he's having a problem with addiction to the pills that he needs to tell her—and she doesn't mention penance or sin or hell or anything! Paula tells Glen that she's going to start rationing his dolls as Clay wanders into the room.

Glen: That's crap!
Paula: Excuse me?!
Clay: What's going on?
Arthur: We're discussing Glen's pain medication.
Clay: It's about time.
Paula: What does that mean?
Clay: Nothing.
Glen: Nice, man! While you're at it, why don't you tell them about that other mother you have stashed away here in town.

One day Glen will make amends to Clay for that little outburst. But only because his sponsor will make him do it.

The Heart-to-Heart Section of the Carlin Home— Paula, Arthur and Clay are sitting down for a rational discussion of the birth mother news.

Clay: You're not mad?
Arthur: Why would we be mad?
Paula: Honey, she's your mom. It's only natural that you'd want to meet her.
Clay: You're my mom. I just don't want you to think that I'm trying to replace you.

They tell him that they love and support him no matter how he decides to handle the situation. Unless, of course, he decides to handle it in any gay sort of way. Then all bets are off—at least for Paula.

Spencer's Bedroom— Deb, Spencer and Ashley are sitting on Spencer's bed as they flip through the yearbook from Spencer's old high school. Or should I say the OLD Spencer's high school. Old Spencer is running this shriek fest, and the New and Improved Spencer who likes cutting class and kissing girls is nowhere to be found.

The squealing blondes reminisce about their cheerleading squad and Ashley's “Oh My God—Awesome!” snark is totally lost on them. They even start to—gasp—fuss over boys.

Paula comes in to deliver some wholesome snacks to these two wholesome girls—and Ashley—then says, “It's gonna be a little crowded in here tonight, isn't it?”

Ashley takes the hint and stands up to leave, and Paula doesn't stop her. Spencer begs her to stay but it's obvious that Ashley is through with both of them. She politely says goodbye to Deb, who blows her off AGAIN.

Spencer follows Ashley to the bedroom door and asks if she'll see her tomorrow, then they share a sweet little goodbye kiss on the lips, which Deb TOTALLY sees.

And then ignores.

Huh?

Let's talk for a moment about denial. I have this idea for a book called, The High Cost of Denial. In it, I would calculate the actual dollar amount that I've blown each time that I have refused to address the obvious. This would include student loans for that extra year of grad school, the rebuilt engine for that car that just needed to be junked, the house bought with that special someone who soon after decided they didn't want to