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A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify Me." The man thought about it for a long time.


Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

40 Things to never be spoken by a redneck:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

LOL! :lmao :lmbo

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the

pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag... "Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot

of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I

go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes I say: $20 or off
it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

letters to santa and his replies

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!

Santa

____________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

_________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please! see what you
can do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back
to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

__________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tub.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

_________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in
my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of scotch.

Santa

________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

________________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde?
Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

_______________________________________________________________
Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

________________________________________________________________
Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet
dreams!

Santa

Three husbands are all standing on a golf coarse telling how they were able to get away from their wives on christmas morning.

Bob: Ok Jack how did you get away?
Jack: Well I had to get my wife a mink coat for Christmas!
Bob: Oh I can top that! I had to get my wife a mink coat AND a diamond ring!

Bob and Jack look at Joe who is being pritty quiet.

Jack: Ok so what did you have to do to get away today?
Joe: I woke up this morning and looked at my wife and said Golf coarse or interoarse? She said "The golf clubs are in the closet."

I hate it when we go to weddings and my grandparents pinch my cheeks and say "Your Next!", but at funerals I pinch their cheeks and say "Your Next!"

lmao!!! :lmbo