Re-makes and horror movies. I’m not a fan of either genre, so I went into this flick with lowered expectations. I have the original “TCM” on tape, mostly for camp value than anything else. The original is often noted for its brutal realism and uneasiness. This “new” 2003 version manages to keep both of those qualities, while tossing in some new elements.

“TCM” expects that the audience has either seen or heard of its inspiration. While familiar ground is covered, the film still manages to come off as suspenseful. You KNOW the band of teenaged Skynyrd fans are driving into a backwater Texas town. You KNOW that they’ll be picked off, one-by-one. You even KNOW that they’ll be terrorized by a lumpy guy with a chainsaw. But this movie is like going an old amusement park ride: it’s still fun, even though you’ve been on it before and know exactly where to find the harrowing parts

The 5 teenaged victims are given a more convincing reason to enter the backwater town. After picking up a hitchiker, their guest blows a sizeable hole in her head. Indecisiveness and fear over what to do with the dead body leads them into the backwater town. Gullible and vulnerable, their search for help leads them into the “massacre”. One teenager looks a bit like Matt Stone of “South Park” fame. The main Female-in-Distress is played by the bangable Jessica Biel, looking espeically hot in a goofy cowboy hat.. Relax, kids...her clothes stay on (although rather tightly).

Full Metal Jacket’s famous drill sergeant, R. Lee Ermey appears in a somewhat typecast role. Now a local sheriff, Ermey is both creepy and hilarious as the most vocal of the cannibalistic villains. In “FMJ” you knew all his talk about anal sex and Mary Jane Rottencrotch was part of his drill sergeant hazing routine. Here, the character is serious about such things. There’s no hazing. He seems like the type of guy who would enjoy skull-fucking you. For example, Ermey suggests that the teenagers “had some fun” with the suicide victim. He then proceeds to tidy up the bloody body...with Saran-Wrap!

The famous Leatherface appears shortly after. Once again he’s surrounded by a weird redneck family whose status quo seems to be abducting travelers. His initial apperacne is a direct homage to the original film, as he slides open a massive steel door. He also uses the familiar meat-hook frequently. A final sequence with a trucker on the highway is another nod to the original. Leatherface even gouges himself with his own weapon...and I could hear the guys from the movie “Summer School” saying: “see...he can’t feel that.. cuz’ he’s like....insane!”

Much of the film’s creepiness derives from the fact of not knowing what type of groteqsue display will arrive next. The final 20 minutes are filled with ridiculous chase scenes that can wear on the viewer. Biel’s soaking wet for most of it, so that’ll keep male hormones flaring.

The final minute of the film is probably the scariest. It relies heavily on Alfred Hitchcock’s theory of “if you can’t see it..it’s even scarier”. Younger fans might say that it borrows a bit from “Blair Witch Project”. It works well and puts a good capper on the film.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a decent upgrade to the original. Worth a rental or cable viewing. I’d rate it at 1/4 numb butt. If nothing else, it succeeds over the previous 1994 “TCM” remake :known as either “Return of the TCM” or “TCM: The New Generation”. Starring Matthew McConaghey and Renee Zellwegger...it’s a true trainwreck. “But that...” as Subuti said “...is ANOTHER STORY!”