Hey! So I finally found out where they moved "Metal Mania" to. I miss the old Wednesday night timeslot... but in its absence I've discovered "Reno 911!" as replacement. That's been a plus. Anyways, "Metal Mania" is now on Saturday nights, 9-11 MST. I actually tried to watch the attrocious "HeadBanger's Ball" on MTV2.. but aside from the chic in Lacuna Coil, nothing was worth my time.

So here's that you "missed":
Giuffria - I Must Be Dreaming
And I must be hallucinating. I thought this was "Metal" mania. What're these Journey wannabes doing on here?
Rating: 4 turds

Motley Crue - Wild Side
Eh. On the short list of Crue tunes I can stomach. The back-up singers are hilarious. They must have been Vince Neil's idea.
Rating: 2 paws

Helloween - Halloween
Oh boy. Helloween was campy and over-the-top..but I think the band was in on the joke. I mean, they named ALL of their albums "Keeper of the 7 Keys, part ___". That's a George Foreman tactic. The band's sort of an Iron Maiden clone and the video involves slutty chics in weird costumes and a few "funny" lookin' fellers.
Rating: 2 paws

Scorpions - No One Like You
The album version, and NOT the crappy "sliding window panes from Japan" version that they released for "World Wide Live". Filmed at Alcatrazz where Klaus ReceedingHairstein meets a hooker and apparently gets executed. Funny sequence where the guy from the cover of "Blackout" runs in and start breaking stuff (guy with bandages and forks in his eyes!)! Klaus wakes up and it's "oh, it's only a dream". A recurring gimmick in alot of 80's videos, and the first of several we'll see tonight. Still, it's the Scorpions... but they gain points for the bandaged forks guy. He rules.
Rarting: 1 paw

Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild
Make it GIRLS gone Wild and you might have something. Damn, I hate this band.
Rating; 3 turds

Winger - Easy Come, Easy Go
Oh boy. How embarassed am I that Kip Winger is from Denver? Yup, Kip Winger and Pam Grier.. Denver's Celebrity Hall of Fame.
Rating; 3 turds

Metallica - Fade To Black
Yeah, yeah... we get the picture, LARS...but you guys say the SAME damn things at EVERY concert. Metallica's old stuff is acceptable, even if this video was from 1992.
Rating: 2 paws.

Saxon - Hungry Years
Oh c'mon! Where the fuck is Krokus?! Dig the guitarist with the VISOR!
Rating: 2 turds

Kix - Get It While It's Hot
Kix's entire "blow my fuse" album were all variations of the "suck my junk" theme. Artists just aren't that subtle anymore.
Rating: 1 turd

Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
I still like the noise right before Slash plugs in his guitar. I guess Vh1 has to play the mainstream hits to draw in viewers. Never a big fan of this song, but you have to admit that the guitar riff is very memorable.
Rating: 1 paw

Megadeth - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Hey! From the "Shocker" soundtrack! Don't laugh too much, but I was all over the movie and soundtrack as a sophomore. Nice to see the ultra-serious but ultimately hollow Dave Mustaine having some fun by covering an old Alice Cooper tune.
Rating: 2 paws

Diamond Head - Call Me
Before the video, we got anintro from VH1 host Edie Trunk, telling us how Lars Ulrich lvoed this band. Umm... that doesn't make their music any LESS shitty. Oh yeah,the singer has a tied-up open shirt. Hot on Daisy Duke... LAME on lead singers. Good for variety.
Rating: 1 paw.

Loudness - Let It Go
George Lynch must have been big in Japan, since the guitars sound identical to any Dokken tune, circa 1986. Nobody ever took these guys seriously, and they were always seen as a gimmick band. Blue screen special effects pop up! (Loose use of the word "special") Song's allright, and the bass really thumps, but the singer's accent sticks out.
Rating: 1 paw.

Poison - Nothin' But A Good Time
Fer' shit's sake... I liked this song better when it was "Deuce" by KISS.
Rating: 3 turds

Rock Goddess - I Didn't Know I Loved You (Till I Saw You Rock N Roll)
Another all-chic gimmick band. I'm surpirsed noboyd put together a MIDGET metal group. Well, there WAS Accept. Have to do a doublecheck to make sure they're women... cuz' they look like Blackie Lawless! Bad song, bad band... but scores a point in the "Obscure Variety" category
Rating: 1 paw

AC/DC - Jailbreak
Beavis, this is the greatest video ever made. Naw, for real.. this is one of my favorites! It's funny, the song rocks and it has EXPLOSIONS! Try to top it. You can't. Plus, Bon Scott kinda looks like Evil, Drunk Bilbo Baggins
Rating : 4 paws!

Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel The Noize
Nowadays I crack when I think that this song is used to sell microwave french fries! Quiet Riot burned out quickly, but EVERYBODY dug this song at one point in their life. The video is actually a sequel to their "Metal Health" video (check out the kid's flashback with the mask). Another video where the kid realizes "gosh, it was all a dream".
Rating: 2 paws.

Krokus - Screaming In The Night
Yup, here's Krokus. Must be Metal Mania. Please tell me that Krokus wasn't serious when they made this video. "We'l have our poofy-haired siger in a loincloth...tied up on a float... fighitng barbarians and fleshy-headed mutants...then he'll escape into a diner!" One of the most insanely embrassing videos ever. It's set in some weird-ass post-apocalyptic world and I swear Voltan from "Flash Gordon" plays the main villain. There's even a reference to Conan's "Wheel of Pain".
Rating: 3 turds

Yngwie Malmsteen - I'll See The Light Tonight
Oh man. There's an Evil Viking, a wizard and a dragon.... I feel like I've gained 1500 XPs and advanced two levels by watching this video. I reach my Button of Muting and make my saving throw against Crappy Music. So bad you need to see it.
Rating: 4 turds

Testament - Nobody's Fault
A repeat review, but the songs still cool. Another video where someone wakes up and thinks "gosh, it was all a dream". For whatever reason, in this dream, Testament ends up playing at a club in front of 4 nerds and a redhead skank. Dream sequence and chics who become slutty by listening to music... two bankable themes for 80's videos.
Rating: 3 paws

Def Leppard - Photograph
I'm not sure, but a drummer wearing nothing but Union jack undies is not high on the list of "Cool Stuff". It's Def Leppard... but not total crap since it's NOT from "Hysteria"
Ratig: 2 turds

Lizzy Borden - We Got The Power
Whoa..I may need to see this video again..the opening city scene looked like Denver!? Terrible song, terrible band. The singer looks like a male Bette Midler. I'm not sure what's going on here.
Rating: 3 turds

Kiss - Lick It Up
Is this song called "Lick it up"? I would've never guessed. They only say it roughly 34 times over 3 minutes! I believe the concept of this video is KISS's ideal future: another post-apocalyptic world, but one where women act like cats, dress like sluts and get off on feeding guys tons of food. That's....not too bad of a future, actually.
Rating: 3 paws.

High paws: AC/DC
High Turds: Giuffria and Yngwie