PIcked this up in a tape trade a few months ago. Originally, I wanted to devote an entire “Rasslin Tape” column to it. But I just couldn’t get into it , despite the fact that I had never seen this event. No Pirates game on TV last night, so I decided to finish this off.

This is taken from the Coliseum Home Video release. While the matches are complete, some interviews have been added and some dead air fas probably been amputated. LIVE from the Arco Arena in January 1993! With Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan on the call.

First up is a “Colisuem Home Video Exclusive”-- a backstage interview with the Steiner Brothers and Lord Alfred Hayes. Wow, that’s EXCLUSIVE! They added this, especially for us!! The Steiners are looking forward to impressing “all the Colisuem Video fans” and proving to the Beverly Brothers that they are the best brother tag-team in wrestling. The Steiners give Alfred and honorary Michigan jacket. “oh, my word”.

Match 1: Steiner Brothers vs. Beverly Brothers
(Rick & Scott vs. Beau & Blake)
Fairly tolerable match as both teams hit their trademark moves. Steiners suplex and slam Blake out of his boots, until the heels take over and work on Scott. The Bevs lift Scott up on their shoulders for a finisher, but Scott rolls through and gets a quick 2. Scott makes the comeback and nails Blake with his Frankensteiner (jumping hurranarana) to get the pin around the 10 minute mark.

Match 2: WWF Intercontinental Championship:
Shawn Michaels © vs. Marty Janetty
But first, it was not that long (actually, it was over a YEAR ago), when the Rockers split up on the Barber Shop...so roll that footage. Also a more recent incident where Marty came out of the crowd to attack Shawn and Sherri got brained with Shawn’s mirror. The “big” plotline isn’t the feud between two long time tag team partner prettyboy dweebs..it’s about whose corner the skanky Sherri will be in! She remains neutral and is still undecided about which weenie she’ll back. Janetty’s wearing some ridiculous “poofy” armbands, which look like something from a Vegas showgirl. Michaels works Janetty’s arm. Big ring apron suplex has Janetty reverse it and dump Michaels to the floor. Sherri wanders over to Shawn and slaps him, to a minor pop. Janetty hauls Michaels back in for a DDT and some other stuff. Michaels tries to hit his reverse thrust kick, but Jannety ducks and nails his own. Ref bump allows Sherri to hop up on the apron. She tries to smack Michaels with her heel, but accidentally hits Janetty. That turns the tide enough for Michaels to hit his reverse thrust kick. Ref revives and counts to 3 as Michaels retains. Damn, I HATE the Rockers.

Backstage antics with Mean Gene Okerlund. He tries to get a word from Sherri, but the Rockers Explode right in front of the cameras! Or, continue to boil. or mildly simmer.

Match 3: Big Bossman vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
The first time two guys with so many “B” initials have met at a Royal Rumble! Bigelow attacks Bossman in the back and beats away. The Great Clothesline Exchange occurs. More big guy stuff, so I’m sure the Penultimate Shoulderblock Challange was also in here. Bossman reverses a suplex attempt and takes over for a bit. Bossman misses a charge into the corner and eats turnbuckle. Bigelow goes upstairs to hit a diving headbutt and get the pin.

Match 4: WWF Championship: Bret “Hitman” Hart © vs. Razor Ramon
But first, here’s some pre-recorded footage of Razor viewing a ...hockey game (?), last night at the Arco Arena. Also a brief clip from one of the syndicated shows, where Razor assualted Bret’s little bro, Owen. Now it’s PERSONAL and Bret’s out there for family vengeance! So why didn’t Bret ever get upset when the Nasty Boys, Skinner, or the Headshrinkers beat the tar out of Owen? Gorilla mentions that parents Stu and Helen Hart are at at ringside offering “words of encouragement”. Heenan: Yeah, I heard Su..he said ehh, yeah and uhhh”. Bret gives his shades to a kid at ringside, and then Razor throws his tootpick at the same kid! Big brawl errupts, until Razor knees the turnbuckle. Bret tries a figure four, but Razor makes the ropes. Razor reverses an irish-whip into the corner, and Bret does a slightly modifed version of his trademark corner THUNK-- he slides under the turnbuckles and hits the ringpost with his ribs. Razor follows up with his fallaway slam, then hooks an abdominal stretch. Bret reverses it for a second so Razro tosses him around goes to a....wait for it..wait for it... BEARHUG! Evnetually, Bret misses his second-rope elbowdrop and eats Razor boot. Razor goes for the Outsider Edge, errr..Razor’s Edge. Bret wiggles out and turns it into a backslide for 2. From the mat, Bret twists Razros’ arms with what Gorila calls a “bow and arrow move”. Not sure if that’s correct, but it’s sort of a surfboard, victory roll type of thing. Bret takes Razor’s leg to the mat, then manages to apply the sharpshooter while both are lying on the mat. Bret twists it over, then sits up to get the submission victory.

Heenan quickly runs away from the broadcast booth to introduce...the Narcissist, Lex Luger! Luger stands in front of three mirrors, flexing, while Heenan repeats himself several times. Supposedly, the Narcissist is more perfect than Mr. Perfect. But it’s incredibly weak, since Luger’s narcissit gimmick is based on physical looks-- something which Mr. Perfect never bragged about. Perfect proclaimed himself a perfect ATHLETE, never a bodybuilder or model... so having someone “out-perfect” him by simply looking better is kinda’ weak. It’d work for, say, Rick Rude or Rick Martel, but not Mr. Perfect. Logic in Wrestling.

Backstage, Raymond Rougeau gets a word from Razor, He’s not done with the Hitman and says he’s the people’s champion.

Before something INTERESTING can happen, we get a special appearance by “Cleopatra” and “Caesar”. Pizza! Pizza! They come out to invite everyone to WrestleMania 9, which will be held at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Oh by the way, the winner of the Royal Rumble will get a shot at the WWF Championship at the event. This is almost Gobble-De-Gooker levels of stupidity.

30 man Royal Rumble
#1 is Ric Flair and #2 is Bob Backlund for a mini 1982 “Dream match”. Paga Shango is #3 and is dumped in about 20 seconds by Flair. Ted DiBiase, Brian Knobbs and Virgil arrive. Lots of hugging and punching. Jerry “the King” Lawler is #7, wearing an airbrushed singlet with a plush lion and little hearts all over it. Lookout, it’s the Care Bear Commander and he’s coming for you! Max Moon and Tenryu arrive. Lawler eliminates Moon while MORE hugging occurs. Crowd goes mildy bananas as Mr. Perfectr enters and chases after Flair. SKINNER is #11, just as Perfect knocks Flair out. Skinner gets tossed and does the skin-the-cat to bring himself back in.. right into a Mr. Perfect dropkick and elimination. KoKo B. Ware comes down..with his pants hiked all the way up to his juggs. Damn...was that supposed to be part of his gimmick?! Samu enters as the camera misses some eliminations. Borrrrrr...holy shit, it’s the BERZERKER!! My love for you is like a truck!!! BERZERKER!! No big deal, since Undertaker enters at #15 and clears out some of the dead weight. Berzerker rolls Backlund out below the ropes and drops him on the concrete.

Halwfway into it now... as “Terrific” Terry Taylor hops in at #16. He hops out 12 seconds later. Undertaker knocks DiBiase and Berzerker out, while Backlund writhes in agony on the outside. He STILL can’t get eliminated and thus is forced to sit through this ENTIRE shitty match! But wait, fans..what’s this?! Harvey Whippleman leads a big furry caveman to the ring! “This...this..thing” beats the crap out of the Undertaker and eliminates him. Don’t get too excited, it was only “El Gigante” making his debut as the supposedly mysterious “Giant Gonzalez”. Have you seen my Giant Gonzalez? No? Your mom has.

#17 and 18 are Damien DeMento and IRS. Backlund creeps back into the ring and gets hammered. Undertaker is still knocked out at ringside, until Paul Bearer and the “power of the urn...ohhh-hhhh yessss” revive him.Tatanka, Jerry Saggs, Typhoon and Fatu arrive. Earthquake enters and beats away on Typhoon as the Natural Disasters Explode! Mildy interesting, as Typhoon gets dumped. Typhoon and Quake sorta’ do a “mutual respect” look after the ouster. Carlos Colon (WTF?!) enters at #24. I thought it was Bobo Brazil for a second. Some chants for Bob Backlund begin emerging and it appears he’s the crowd favorite at this point. “El Matador” Tito Santana is followed by Rick Martel...and yes, it’s round 6,789 of the Strike Force Wars. Yokozuna enters and weeds out the bodies. Earthquake makes a big stand against him, but gets eliminated by a backdrop. Owen hart, Repo-Man and Macho Man Randy Savage finish the entrants.

Final four has Backlund square off against Martel, while Yokozuna matches up with Macho Man. Backlund dumps Martel and, with momentum, attacks Yokozuna. ‘Zuna ducks a charge and Backlund finally is eliminated. Lot of fans boooo, since any chance of drama just went away. Macho gets the advantage on Yoko with his top-rope double axehandles. Macho lands the big flying elbow, then GOES FOR THE PIN!?! Gorilla sez: “pinfalls don’t count”, right as Yokozuna bench-presses Macho off, over the top rope and to the floor. Yokozuna is the big winner in the shittiest Rumble I’ve seen. Damn, and here I thought Repo-Man would take it. Poor Macho...he was obviously getting primed for his late 2004 run in NWA/TNA and a possible “Gaunlet Match”-- a Royal Rumble type match where the last guys remaining must win with a pinfall or submission.

As the credits roll, we get a quick post-event trash talk between Yokozuna and the Hitman. I could really empathize with Backlund’s plight. He was out there, in obvious pain, sucking wind the whole time, waiting for the thing to end. Same way I felt throughout this entire match. I feel your pain, Bob. I usually like Rumbles, cuz’ you get everybody, but there was no real story flow and too many jobbers. The elements of this show are why I started to drift away from wrestling after 1992.. it was mainly Bret, Shawn and a cast of freaks.

Best Rumble '93 recap ever. Short and to the point, just how I likes 'em... except for mine, I'm long winded with horrible grammar and spelling. :P

Side Note: How can you not like Marty Jannetty? (raises fist in anger at the sky)

Cuz he's 1/2 of the Rockers. A team that, despite their name, never in fact "rocked". A team that borrowed their name from BARBIE's backup singers (remember "Barbie! and the Rockers! They're rockstars ..of your wildest dreams!"). Plus, he ran around in neon drawers. When entering, he waved his arms around like he was Hillbilly Jim on a bender. What the hell is a "rocker" anyway? They were suposed to have a heavy metal/hard rock gimmick.. but aside from dweebs like Sammy Hagar, I don't remember anyone in the 80's referring to themselves as a "rocker".

To top it off, there was his unclassy self-glorifying story that he rambled on about, maybe 4 years ago. It was basically a long, drawn-out rape story about how he slipped a couple of girls a mickie on a flight and took advantage of them. Some of the old wrestler road stories are funny (like Jimmy Valiant, the Rock n' Roll Express and the "glass bottom boat"), but Marty's was sad.

I've never understood the cult following for him. But I also hate Mick Foley and Raven, so I'm weird like that.

If I remember the right story, him and Shawn fucked with a couple of assholes and their bitch by getting them high and shaving their heads.

Sounds like a fun, harmless story.

Of course, I like Foley and Raven, so maybe I'm a littlw twisted.

I dunno, but "fun and harmless" doesn't usually involve my member, and saying 'they're gonna' be gettin' a taste of me, heh heh". Might be a different story. What was even more revolting was how Marty went into specific detail on the incident as if it would suddenly anoint him as the "icon of coolness". I'm not certain the story was 100% true. It's sad and pathetic how he dropped such an immature, toilet-humor filled story as a way to validate his "wild n' crazy" days of youth.

Plus, I couldn't forgive him for showing up in WCW, in early 1998 doing the same "Rocker" gimmick that I hated 10-12 years earlier. About two months into it, they tweaked his outfit and trimmed his mullet..so instead of a gay 80's metalhead, he looked like a gay 90's hairdresser.

If we're going to get technical about WCW, their biggest rebel group leaders were all in their 40's, like a senior citizen Hells Angels, and they had about 600 mexicans that only Mike Tenay knew by name.

but..but... WCW would routinely put on the GREATEST MATCH IN THE HISTORY of WRESTLING every week (and twice a week when Thunder would have Goldberg vs. BOTH members of Disorderly Conduct). Are you saying they were wrong?!

Who was Disorderly Conduct? Please say it was two men not named Ron & Don Harris, Skull & 8-Ball, Eli & JAcob Blu, Whatever their Grimm names were, etc. etc.

Disorderly Conduct was two guys in purple trenchcoats, named "Tough Tom" and "Mean Mike". Yes, NO last names. They were like a cross between the Nasty Boys and Public Enemy..only worse.

They also did double duty on some WCW houseshows as the "Texas Hangmen". Their biggest gig as the Hangmen was wrestling Benot and Mongo on Nitro, around September 1998. Not sure if they were the same Texas Hangmen from AWA/Team Challenge Series fame. But is there really any harm in thinking they are?!

And yes, they did wrestle the Harris Boys in what was surely a Dream Match!! (recap from DDTDigest). That particular show sounded like a knockout. Norman Smiley, Silver King, El Dandy, Mamalukes, Hacksaw, and the "main event" was Jeff Jarret vs. the KISS Demon!

They sound a lot like Jack Victory, who would just buy like 50 different masks and do double duty on several Clash's and PPV's with such original names as the Assassin and the Blackmailer.

(checks link) What an awesome show... and I wonder why I watched 1 episode of Nitro from 1998-2000.

"Have you seen my Giant Gonzalez? No? Your mom has."
Thank you for my new ITVR tagline, kind sir. Loved the recap, btw!!!!