- Ahh, the wonderful world of video games. experiencing fantastic adventures and epic moments all through the magic of incredible technology and graphic animation. Only through video games can you one minute travel to far-of planets that may or may not exist, and the next minute pretend to live out a dream to be the starting center fielder for the New York Yankees. Video games can take you anymore you want to go… but this column isn’t about the good times spending in front of a television, eyes diolated, dorito stains all over the controls. It’s about those times where you question the intelligence and sanity of those that produced some of the following crap among the unknowing public for outrageously high prices. Yes, it’s VOLUME 1 of Scrooge’s “Worst Video Games of All Time” list.


The following list is in no particular order. It’s simply numbered for those who like that sort of thing. You know, skipping down incase the game I’m about to bash happens to be one of your favorites. Inductions for the list range from all systems. The exception of the rule are hand-held games with one back-drop and a bunch of the same cheesy graphics. These were pretty popular in the late 80’s/early 90’s, and almost all sucked. The only one remaining in my house is of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. I once had a Mortal Kombat version, which surprisingly was entertaining, but still nothing worth comparing to the actual game in the arcade or home consoles.


1. 2KSports Major League Baseball 2K7 (Nintendo DS)
The token sports game of the list. A recent purchase for the “low” price of $20, you’d think a sports game with the touch screen would create enjoyment even for a mediocre game. The high-spot of the game is the cover… Derek Jeter, Yankee hero and greatest shortstop of my generation. The down-side is everything else. The graphics are straight out of 1992 (and in some case, 1987), the sound is depressingly bad, every player is the same bald-headed bland looking character (Derek Jeter looks like Matt Holiday?!), there’s no real distinction between teams (bland uniforms. The Rays look like the Red Sox), and there’s only one stadium. A generic one that resembles that from Bases Loaded rather than a real MLB park. No Yankee Stadium. No Fenway Park. No Tropicana Field. Nothing. Just a bland pile of nothing. Then you have the game-play…. SSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. It took me an hour to play one game, because pitches take forever to complete, and making contact is incredibly frustration. There’s really nothing good that can be said about this game. It’s just that bad. I feel sorry for actually spending $20 on this pile of junk when I was so satisfied with The Show still.


2. Total Recall (NES)
Yes, I know, I know. Movies-turned-Video Games almost ALWAYS suck major amounts of ass. And this is no different. The movie stars The Governator as some weird guy who had his memory fucked with and he has to stop an evil empire on Mars from being complete nazi’s. Or something. I don’t know, it’s a very strange, yet entertaining movie. But the game follows NONE of that. Instead you fight midget martial artists in the streets, get poked through glory holes with penile-shaped objects, and fight hobos in more dark alleys. I don’t think I remember seeing any of this stuff in the movie. I could’ve sworn I saw cool shit, like freaks with three tits and people being shot in the head. But here? Arnold throws punches with the reach of a Gary Coleman and shoots bullets the size of soft-balls that move slower than a Casey Fossum curveball. Just a total mess. The sad thing is I’m addicted to this shit game, just to see how much crazier it gets after you fight the Hobo King. Don’t ask.


3. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (NES; GameBoy)
I’ve played this game on-and-off for the last 18 years, and I still have no fucking clue what you’re supposed to be doing. You wander around punching innocent people (and Roger), you get ganged up by the Weasels, lead by Squiggy, and you break-and-enter into countless places of business and homes searching for clues that are nowhere to be found. Another example of a video game based on a movie where the plot of the game has VERY little connection to the movie. Other than the characters involved and the “find a will” plot, there’s nothing to the game. It’s like Dick Tracy, except worse. At least in that you could shoot innocent people and lose your life credits for it. This game is just a puzzling mess that makes little sense… when did Eddie ever go spelunking in caves and sewers?!?!!? (Note: The comments here are based on the NES version, but I’m sure the GB version isn’t much different).


4. Street Combat (Super-NES)
I’ve covered this game in my old Flashback column of all my SNES games, but this one deserves a second round of bashing. Back in the day of the success of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, every video game company did their best to rip them off with their own version of a violent fighting game. Hence you have STREET COMBAT, produced by IRem Entertainment, a company I’ve never heard of before in my life. Every character is genericly lame, the controls are unresponsive, the sound is nearly non-existant, and the challenge is trying not to win, because the A1 sucks that much. Possibly the least enjoyable fighting game I’ve ever come across. There’s nothing here that would make me consider wanting to willingly play it for “enjoyment” again.


5. WWF Steel Cage Challenge (NES)
The token wrestling game of the column. We all know the NES releases of WWF games were less than spectacular (with the exception of WrestleMania Challenge), but this one is what I consider the worst of the bunch. You have a “decent” selection of wrestlers (the usuals like Hogan, Savage, Undertaker, Roberts, and not-so guys like I.R.S., the Mountie, and semi-retired Roddy Piper), but everyone looks exactly the same with minor color-swapping of costumes, the ring is generic as fuck, the crowd appears to be a bunch of shadows, and the controls are once again unresponsive. Despite a nice variety of wrestlers, everyone has a grand total of THREE moves. And I don’t think there are special moves, either. I don’t know because I’ve never done good enough to win a match. The “up-side” is the debut of the Steel Cage Match in a WWF game, but tit’s as lame as you could expect it to be.


6. MTV’s Celebrity DeathMatch (PS2, X-Box, GameCube)
You would think that the premise of this game was can’t miss. Claymation designed B-list celebrities brutally beating each other while two guys make smart ass remarks the whole time… and you would be wrong. So horribly horribly wrong. The actual “cast” of charatcters is a decent size, if unspectacular. But the game lacks any real depth. You can unlock everything within an hour, create a celebrity is so generic you might as well call him Keanu Reeves, and the controls are, as expected, unspectacularly bad. The animation is decent, yet horribly repetitive. Every celebrity has their own unique attacks, but they get boring after so many times, and the power ups add little to the fun. The ability to lop-off limbs with chainsaws is a bonus, but after so many times, dismemberments are no longer entertaining. Another of those “cheap rack of crappy games” game that should’ve been burned in the middle of a Las Vegas desert before being released. See also: E.T.


7. Jaws (NES)
I know what everyone is saying. What is Scrooge’s GRR-Damn obsession with this fucking shark and the fucking movie it’s based on? Is he that big of a fucking loser that he has to devote at least one day a week explaining why it’s a horrible piece of filth? The answer is yes. And credit to my girl Shannon for our “GRR-Damn” phrase. CHEAP PLUG! (Canned cheers) Anyway, yes, this game is based on Jaws the Revenge, possibly the most hideous movie to be released with a serious expectations of being good. You spend most of the game diving into the ocean, ranging from shallow waters to the depths of the ocean, killing jelly-fish, baby sharks, and flounder en route to taking on a shark not much bigger than you. After powering up enough, you go head-to-head with the man-eater him…er, itself. The game is so lame and easy I can beat this mess in 10-minutes. The graphics blow, the music is repetitive as fucking hell, and there’s absolutely no challenge. Oh, and as the game cartridge says, this time… IT’S PERSONAL! BI-ATCH!


8. Beavis & Butt-Head (SNES)
For those lucky enough to have bought the Genesis version (or Virtual Stupidity), you saved yourself minutes of pain from a pathetically bad side-scroller starring the animated stars of MTV. The plot of the game is that B&BH are looking to score GWAR tickets, and they think by taking pictures of themselves doing cool things, they’ll be let in for free. And so you go to various locations of Highland, trying to figure out how to beat up enemies and not die, until you get to the concert… and do the same. Another of those “can beat it in 50 minutes or less” games because of the serious lack of level depth (and a lack of levels period). There’s very little voice-overs other than the opening screen, so all the entertainment of B&BH is practically erased. The controls, again, suck ass, and there’s nothing eye-popping about the game except the graphics are better than those of early season episodes of the actual show. A total lame game, dude. Stick to the Genesis version instead, which lets you roam around Highland freely and explore things.


9. ALF (Sega Master System)
Yes, there was an actual game devoted to ALF that wasn’t for the Atari system. I’ll wait the 10-minutes for you to stop crying and compose yourself. (whistles and plays with ‘self) Okay, back to the show. ALF, for those who forgot, was a sitcom starring an alien named Gordon Shumway that crash landed into the house of an average family living in the suburbs. Nicknamed ALF (Alien Life-Form) by the father of the family, ALF went on to have many adventures while trying not to eat the family cat. Anyway, the game puts you up to the task of repairing ALF’s ship to get him back home, all while trying to avoid those evil FBI people that want to kill all aliens they find. Must be an easy job says I. There haven’t been many aliens to kill, except the ones working on the sides of the road down here in Florida. (Rim shot) Thank you, I’ll be here all weekend, try the veal. The game sucked, blah blah blah blah blah, this is really starting to bore me. Oh well, only one more game to go here.


10. Jim Henson’s Muppets: On With The Show (GBA, PC)
The Muppets, for the most part, have been nothing but endless entertaining for me. From TV shows, to movies, to video games, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can’t remember, the Muppets seem to be able to do no wrong. But then this game came out. While not the WORST game ever, it’s pretty bad. It’s basically a small collection of mini-games with little to no challenge based on the TV show (minus the entertainment). Once you beat all the levels and unlock the hidden sketch, there’s nothing left to do. It’s basically a game for 5 year olds, but people are easily lead into believing it’s fun for all ages. It’s the Muppets, after all. This is one of the few times where I hoped the show didn’t go on. They deserve better than this.


Final Thoughts: There’s the first part in my never-ending quest of discovering, trashing, and pissing all over the video game abominations of the world. Every game on here has been personally played by me for a significant enough amount of time to gauge a true opinion on them. To change things up, I might go with a “Best Video Games” column to change things up and make myself enjoy writing these things, but beware, more bad video games are coming your way. BEWARE!

Oh hell yes to this one. I own it and have played it a bit. It literally degenerates into you mashing buttons and when you get a win you feel more like it was a fluke than anything else.

I also love how they didn't get around to releasing this game until several years after they stopped making the show. It had me asking "Why bother?"

It's a shame too, because back when the show was a hit on MTV, I remember thinking "This could be a kick-ass video game!"