This is my new fantasy fed. It's gonna be like a mix between CHIKARA and BIG MOUTH LOUD in Japan, with crazy shit abounding. Have fun.

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I love the style.

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...the hell?

I should find my GWS show and finish it... Just to show you how this shit is done.

TPW(1)
June 3rd, 2006 LIVE from Anchorage Alaska

Attendance: About 300 people (sellout).

*A video plays on the JumboTron (yes, we have a JumboTron) of Super Dragon walking down a hallway in his trademark awesome robe. Dragon is handed a piece of paper from someone off screen and the camera zooms in on it. "AMIGO?" the paper says. Dragon tears the paper up and keeps on walking.

?

Back to the ring now as motherfucking TONY SCHIAVONE is ringside rocking full KISS REUNION TOUR GEAR. Excellent. He runs down the evening's matches before being interrupted by the music of CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI!

Claudio is followed by REY MISTERIO JR. and TPW(1) is underway!


Rey Misterio Jr. def. Claudio Castagnoli (14'22") following a sunset flip. Great competive match here, as Claudio is a great base for smaller highflyers (see Mike Quackenbush). Claudio brought his unique offense including many a EuroCut while Misterio held his own using various 'ranas and headscissor takedowns. At one point Misterio busted out a somersault plancha into a hurricanrana on the floor which popped the crowd big time. Later on in the match, following an awesome reversal sequence, Rey reversed Claudio's attempted Ricola Bomb into a sunset flip for the victory.


After the match, Misterio is attacked by CHRIS HERO! Hero beats the shit out of Misterio (which coincidently smells like burritos) and Claudio soon joins in. Claudio drapes Rey over the top rope as Hero comes off the turnbuckle with a doublestomp to Misterio's ribs. Hero grabs a mic and announces that the KINGS OF WRESTLING have arrived in TPW.

BOOS

Hero shoves Tony Schiavone and spits on a fan before leaving. Asshole.


Up next is the women's match of the evening as Mercedes Martinez takes on Cheerleader Melissa. For those unfamiliar with either, Martinez looks like a slightly better looking Jazz, and Melissa is a hot brunette in a cheerleading outfit who wrestles like Bryan Danielson.


Cheerleader Melissa def. Mercedes Martinez (16'30") with an indian deathlock. Good women's match with a hot crowd going for it, these chicks brought it to one another. At one point Melissa was bending Mercedes over the steel guardrail in a unique version of the bow and arrow hold. Mercedes was also busted open hardway I believe from a Melissa forearm. Anyway, Melissa ended up winning via indian deathlock.


*Backstage, Minoru Suzuki and SUWA are singing U2's Bullet the Blue Sky for whatever reason.

Up next is the first main event of the evening...


Fit Finlay def. Necro Butcher (14'08") with the Celtic Cross Driver. Just a stiff brawl between two tough motherfuckers. Lots of stiff punches and kicks as well as plenty of weapon shots. Really felt like a bar room brawl. At one point Finlay grabbed a table, but instead of putting Necro through it, he just picked it up and hit Necro in the face with it. Finlay also kicked Necro's head into the steel ringpost at one point and it looked BRUTAL. Finlay picked up the win back in the ring with the Celtic Cross on a pile of chairs.


Up next is a special attraction tag team mach...


Guerreros del Infiernos def. Team FUCK OFF (13'45") when Guerrero pinned SUWA with a reverse superplex. A fun tag match with both teams playing heel, and quite well. Lots of slaps, mask ripping, low blows and eye rakes. All in all it broke down into a fairly good tag match with GdI picking up the victory.


It is now time for SUPER DRAGON'S OPEN CHALLENGE OF CERTAIN DOOM~! Who will answer it?

Super Dragon is on his way out to the ring to find out. It is...











QUE?

MONITO?

Yes, a midget in a blue gorilla outfit.


Super Dragon def. Monito (2'49") following a Psycho Driver. Dragon beat the shit out of the little blue monkey thingy here, punting it around the ring and delivering 3 curbstomps, before putting it away with the Psycho Driver. Serves it right.

*AN ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE REGARDING TPW(2) WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE IN JULY. TOSHIAKI KAWADA HAS BEEN SIGNED.*

It's now time for the second main event of the evening...


Chris Benoit def. Katsuyori Shibata (21'24") with an inside cradle after being superplexed. Good hard hitting match with lots of stiff dropkicks and knee lifts and plenty of suplexes. At one point Benoit gave Shibata a release german suplex into the turnbuckle in a cool spot. Shibata was great at interacting with the fans, calling a lot of them motherfuckers and flipping them off. Lots of near falls in the match, with Benoit eventually winning after being superplexed by Shibata, but having the awareness to hook Shibata's leg with his own for the surprise victory.


After the match, Shibata refuses to shake Benoit's hand.

Crowd is pumped for the final main event: JOE versus TAKAYAMA.


Yoshihiro Takayama def. Samoa Joe (25'13") with the Everest German Suplex. Brutal, brutal match with hard chops and stiff kicks resounding throughout the venue. Both men showed great fighting spirit but received bruises and welts for their troubles. Joe received a black eye I believe and Takayama was bleeding from the mouth. The crowd broke out into a standing ovation at one point before the match was even over. Lots of teased nearfalls, including Joe not being able to get Takayama in the Muscle Buster after many attempts, and Takayama kicking out of the Island Driver. Takayama finished Joe off with the Everest German Suplex for the win and the crowd showed their appreciation after the match with a second standing ovation.


Joe put Takayama over on the mic after the match and said he hadn't been that tested since he wrestled Kenta Kobashi.

Join us next month, motherfucker.

END SHOW.

That was... interesting... I liked some of the matchups, and I guess you got the atmosphere you were going for... Um, keep it up?

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Now this...... is interesting

Consider yourself correct.

TPW(2): Smell the Originality
July 8th, 2006 LIVE from Las Vegas Nevada

Attendance: About 378 people (379 if you count the pregnant bitch in the second row).

*On the JumboTron we see Milano Collection AT walking his imaginary dog down a hallway. Suddenly Ernest "The Cat" Miller pops out of nowhere and shouts "Somebody call my momma!" Milano is frightened for a second before calming down. He gives "The Cat" a dirty look before chasing after his dog.

We arrive at ringside now as TONY SCHIAVONE is looking swanktastic in the cheap Hawaiian shirt. He runs down the card and is interrupted by ALEX SHELLEY's music as we are ready to kick off TPW(2): Smell the Originality!

Following Shelley is MILANO COLLECTION AT to a big pop. He plays up the imaginary dog schtick well, and Shelley even kicks the dog, but Milano is able to nurse it back to health. Match time, motherfuckers.


Milano Collection AT def. Alex Shelley (11'18") following an inside cradle. Lots of fun matwork in this one and some great trash talking from Shelley. The match concluded with a roll-up sequence that lasted about a minute and a half and contained approximately 94 pinfall attempts before Milano finally got the victory with an inside cradle.


Next up we have Chris Hero taking on Perro Aguayo Jr. Perro recieves another strong ovation from the crowd, and Hero, who is accompanied by his life partner Claudio Castagnoli, gets the BOOS of dislike.


Chris Hero def. Perro Aguayo Jr. (13'54") with the Hero's Welcome. Perro played a great face here as the crowd was solidly behind him. Hero and Claudio played the basic heels, with Hero distracting the ref while Claudio got in a cheap shot and vice versa throughout. Claudio threw a chair into the ring at one point, and as the ref went to pick it up, Claudio jabbed another chair into the side of Perrito's head, allowing Hero to hit the Hero's Welcome for the win.


After the match, Hero calls Tony Schiavone into the ring to "apologize for last month". Hero begins to apologize as Claudio gets on all fours behind Tony and Hero shoves him over. The KINGS OF WRESTLING share a good laugh and a few stomps on Perro Jr. before leaving. These guys are mean.

FIT FUCKIN' FINLAY and KENSKAY SASAKI are gonna do some wrasslin' next.


Kensuke Sasaki def. Fit Finlay (16'32") following a lariat. This was very, very stiff, and could not have been more up either one of these guy's alleys. Just as that could not have sounded more gay. Honestly though, these two beat the shit out of each other, including a BRUTAL dueling chop/european uppercut exchange that left both men near death. Not really. Finlay kicked out of the Northern Lights Bomb at one point, so Kensuke repayed the favor by kicking out of the Celtic Cross. Kensuke said fuck those moves and decapitated Finlay with a lariat for the win.


Luckily, Finlay is an Irish Hydra as he grew two more heads back, and then proceeded to rip one of them off and kick it into the crowd. This really happened.

*Backstage it's the return of G-TV as we see Cheerleader Melissa getting ready for her match.


Now put the boners away, unless you want Super Dragon to ram Necro Butcher's face into it.


Super Dragon def. Necro Butcher (12'12") with a curbstomp onto broken glass. I told you this would be ouchies. At one point Dragon placed Necro's head on an open chair and then proceeded to double stomp it THROUGH THE FUCKING CHAIR'S SEAT. Later on, Dragon brought a beer bottle into the ring, then kicked Necro in the nuts, then broke the beer bottle over Necro's head, and then curbstomped Necro face-first onto the broken glass. That fucking sucks for Necro Butcher.


Up next it's DREAM TAG PARTNER TIME. What kind of fag dreams about wrestling, though?


Chris Benoit and Samoa Joe def. Katsuyori Shibata and Yoshihiro Takayama (28'19") when Joe pinned Shibata with the Muscle Buster. This lived up to expectations and then some, with a super pumped crowd to boot. The highlight of the match was Joe missing an olay kick on the outside and smashing his leg into the guardrail. Shibata and Takayama made sure to work over Joe's leg for the rest of the match, as Joe played face in peril before getting the hot tag to Benoit. All hell then broke loose as it usually does in these matches with more than 2 people involved, and after things had settled down a bit, Joe pinned Shibata with a one legged muscle buster for the victory.


After the match, Takayama shook both Benoit's and Joe's hands, but Shibata refused to, so Takayama grabbed Shibata by the hair and forced him to shake their hands. OWNERSHIP.


Mariko Yoshida def. Cheerleader Melissa (15'38") with the Air Raid Crash. Another fantastic womens match, with all kinds of innovative stuff and STIFFNESS from both the ladies and also the guys in the audience. Melissa went to finish off Yoshida with a Downward Spiral, but Yoshida used a knee to the gut to set up the Air Raid Crash for the pinfall.


A well deserved ovation was given after the match to both ladies.

Main event time, and the crowd is fucking pumped up for DANGEROUS K.


Toshiaki Kawada def. Minoru Suzuki (15'33") by making him submit to the Stretch Plum. Kawada got tons of black and yellow streamers while Suzuki got none. Poor guy. Minoru of course played heel, using lots of kicks, knees, and slaps to keep Kawada reeling, but this was definately the DANGEROUS K SHOW as he got in a lot of his trademark offense to big pops, including a great nearfall off of the backdrop drivah. A Stretch Plum later, however, and DANGEROUS K is victorious.


A big "Thank You" chant erupts and Kawada acknowledges it before walking off into the sunset.

END SHOW.

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TPW(3): The Token Tag Team Tournament Show
August 12th, 2006 LIVE from Los Angeles California

Attendance: Approximately 334. Approximately.

*On the JumboTron Minoru Suzuki is putting on his boots while humming a tune. A door opens and his partner SUWA walks in wearing a karate gi. Minoru stares at SUWA for awhile. Hilarity insues.

At ringside Tony Fucking Schiavone is ready to address the crowd as a big "TONY!" chant breaks out. Before Tony gets the chance to speak however, he is interrupted by the Kings of Wrestling, Claudio Castagnoli and Chris Hero.

Hero rudely snatches the mic away from Tony as Claudio tells Tony to "get the hell out of their ring." Hero proceeds to cut a promo on why the Kings of Wrestling are the greatest tag team in the world right now, and nobody will be able to beat them. You know how it goes.

Hero finishes his promo and out comes ULTIMO GUERRERO of GdI. Ultimo is wearing his trademark entrance kilt and it is all kinds of awesome.

Ultimo's partner, REY BUCANERO follows his partner out, with a valet on each arm, one of which is presumably not up to Ultimo's standards. TPW(3) is underway.


The Kings of Wrestling def. Guerreros del Infiernos (12'22") when Hero pinned Bucanero following the Hero's Welcome: Kings of Wrestling Edition. Great, fast-paced tag match to kick off the show, with GdI playing the faces very well. Rey played face-in-peril for most of the match, with the Kings of Wrestling using some great double teams, including Hero monkey flipping Claudio into a senton on Bucanero. Guerrero eventually got the hot tag and cleaned house but the ref had missed it. Hero and Claudio quickly regained control, using quick tags and tandem offense to neutralize their opponent. Soon all hell broke loose and all four men were in the ring. Claudio used this distraction to deliver a low blow to Ultimo before tossing him out of the ring. The Kings of Wrestling then finished Bucanero off with an elevated double team version of the Hero's Welcome dubbed the "Hero's Welcome: Kings of Wrestling Edition".


Up next is the second match of the first round, as Takeover of Shibata and KENTA take on the United Nations of William Regal and Fit Finlay.


Takeover def. The United Nations (15'33") when KENTA pinned Regal following the busaiku knee kick. Great stiff match here worked almost as a hybrid of a European matwork-based match combined with a NOAH juniors tag. Before the match, Takeover refused to shake hands, adding fuel to the already blazing fire that is a EUROPEAN ASSKICKING. The two stiff veterans just beat the shit out of the two pricks from Japan, pounding them with uppercuts and crossface punches throughout. Takeover was not afraid to dish it out right back (although in smaller doses because they are not as awesome) with stiff kicks and knees. Finlay and Shibata in particular really took up a hatred for one another in the match, including a spot where Finlay tried to hang Shibata with the tag rope. Finlay battled Shibata some more on the outside, including many chairs being thrown. Back in the ring, however, Regal ended up getting a little too cocky with the young punk KENTA, and fell victim to a busaiku knee kick out of nowhere for the pin.


After the match, Fit Fuckin' Finlay takes offense that he won't be able to do anymore fightin' tonight and punches Regal right in the face. The two start to brawl but are quickly separated by the unkown indy workers pretending to be police.

*Backstage on G-TV, Necro Butcher is sitting and staring at a wall. Super Dragon walks into the picture out of nowhere and punches Necro Butcher in the face, before leaving. What a man.

Up next, Kensuke Office takes on the Smart Mark All Stars of Samoa Joe and Chris Benoit. Before the match even starts, the young Nakajima makes sure to bow before the crowd he will be performing in front of. Suck up.


Chris Benoit and Samoa Joe def. Kensuke Office (18'12") when Joe pinned Nakajima with the Muscle Buster. The basic story in this one is Joe and Benoit beating the hell out of the young Nakajima while Kensuke waits on the apron to get some fighting in. Kensuke eventually gets into the match and he and Benoit try and renact the classic chop battle that Kensuke and Kobashi had at the Dome last year, but it falls short in front of the shitty LA crowd. The chops were sick as hell though. Kensuke's chest was bleeding. Anyway, Joe eventually pins Nakajima with the Muscle Buster as he and Benoit move on.


Afterwards, Kensuke has to help his protege up, and Nakajima does the bow thing again. Classy kid, that Nakajima.

Next up is the final first round match as Team FUCK OFF takes on Super Dragon and Necro Butcher.


Super Dragon and Necro Butcher def. Team FUCK OFF (11’09”) when Dragon pinned SUWA following the Psycho Driver. SUWA was still wearing the awesome karate gi. At various times throughout this one, when Dragon wanted Necro to come into the match, instead of tagging him he’d slap him across the face. Then, before Necro could even get in the ring, he’d slap him again signaling another tag. Big highlight of the match was the 2 minute slapfest between Dragon and Suzuki. Dragon pinned SUWA clean with the Psycho Driver.


The Kings of Wrestling are out again, signifying the start of the semifinals, or as we at TPW like to call them, the second round.

Before the match, the Kings of Wrestling get in Tony Schiavone’s face again, this time at the announcing booth. Hero continues to talk shit to Tony, and Tony starts to take off his headset as he stands up, but Claudio shoves him down, calling him a “waste of a punch.”


The Kings of Wrestling def. Takeover (13’46”) when Hero pinned Shibata with his feet on the ropes. The Kings of Wrestling played the great cowardly heels here, getting out of the ring whenever Takeover started to go on offense and just acting frustrated in general. The finish saw Shibata lift Claudio up for a powerbomb as KENTA flew off the top rope with a super busaiku knee kick in a great double team. Shibata went to cover Claudio, but as the ref tried to explain to him that Claudio wasn’t the legal man, Hero snuck in and delivered a low blow and pinned Shibata with his feet on the ropes.


Oh shit, this next match is the HOTTNESS.


Chris Benoit and Samoa Joe def. Super Dragon and Necro Butcher (16’33”) when Joe choked Necro Butcher out. Crowd is super pumped for this one, about 50/50 for each team, minus the homosexual dueling chants. Anyway, Necro Butcher actually saw a lot of action in this one, including going chop for chop with Benoit (until Benoit decided to just chop Necro right in the face) and getting his teeth knocked out by a Samoa Joe olay kick. Dragon and Benoit had some nice exchanges, as did Dragon and Joe, with Joe getting the better of Dragon, including a belly to belly suplex from the apron to the floor. This led to Joe hitting Necro with the Muscle Buster back in the ring, and applying ‘Da Choke. Necro refused to tap out, as he was clearly unconscious, so the ref awarded the match to Benoit and Joe.


Afterwards, Dragon returns to the ring and understands what has happened. He curbstomps Necro’s unconscious body onto a steel chair.

Main event time, kiddies.

On their way out, Hero and Claudio decide to heckle Tony Schiavone some more. Hero gets in Tony’s face again, and this time Tony decks him. The Kings of Wrestling are about to kick Tony’s ass, until Samoa Joe’s music hits.


The Kings of Wrestling def. Chris Benoit and Samoa Joe (21’10”) when Hero pinned Benoit following a Hero’s Welcome. Streamers abound for both teams, cuz we’re in Japan of course. This was wrestled in really basic tag format and it worked perfectly for what it was. Kings of Wrestling as the heel team keeping their opponent on their half of the ring and making quick tags, Benoit playing face-in-peril while making brief comebacks and reaching for the tag only to be cut off, and Joe as the monster who just can’t get that hot tag to clean house. Eventually everything broke down, with Joe and Claudio throwing chairs on the outside as Benoit made a comeback in the ring, only to be cut off with a low blow. Hero went out to help Claudio, and eventually they handcuffed Joe to the security railing. Back in the ring, Claudio used a chair to low blow Benoit again, and Hero finished him off with the Hero’s Welcome as Joe looked on helplessly.


Large “Bullshit” chant from the crowd, although no bulls were involved in the decision. The Kings of Wrestling are YOUR TPW Tag Team Champions.

The Kings of Wrestling give Tony a Hero’s Welcome: Kings of Wrestling Edition to send the fans home less happier than they already were.

END SHOW.

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A mysterious letter was found in Necro Butcher's locker the other day. Fearing Anthrax, we made Tony Schiavone open it. It contained the following letter:

I love you

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TPW(4): Bad Moon Rising
September 2nd, 2006 LIVE from Minneapolis Minnesota

Attendance: Somewhere between 20 and 400.

We go directly to ringside this month as Tony “FUCKING” Schiavone is ready to address the crowd. A big “TONY!” chant breaks out, making it difficult for Tony to not shut up. Eventually Tony talks up the stackedness that is this card, and TPW(4) is rolling.


Roderick Strong def. Alex Shelley (9’33”) with the Strong Hold. Lots of fun swanky matwork in this one to start, including a sick looking bow and arrow stretch from Roderick and a flying headscissors into a fujiwara armbar from Shelley. At one point both wrestlers started their own dueling chants. Seriously. Roderick may have knocked himself loopy on a plancha during the match, hitting his head on the security rail pretty hard. Long, intricate finishing sequence led to Shelley’s Shellshock being countered into a half-nelson backbreaker by Strong, right into the Strong Hold for the tap out.


Up next is the TAG TEAM NUMBER ONE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH OF CERTAIN IMPENDING DOOM~! featuring lots of Japanese guys.

Takeover is out first doing the whole Japanese youngster prick thing.

The Office, starring Kensuke “Don’t Call Me Steve Carell” Sasaki and Katsuhiko “You can call me Dwight if you want because me no speak the Engrish but will still bow to you anyway” Nakajima are out next. Let’s do this.


Takeover def. Kensuke Office (13’45”) when KENTA pinned Nakajima with the busaiku knee kick. This revolved around Takeover beating the shit out of the young Nakajima, and Kensuke looking on from the apron, disgruntled. Perhaps he had to poop? Anyway, Nakajima got fucked up again, and Team Takeover meets the tag champs next month. Be there.


*On the JumboTron we see a large poster of Necro Butcher taped to a door. All of a sudden a dart comes flying in and hits right in the middle of Necro’s head. This is followed by a second dart that hits Necro right in the dick. We zoom out to see Super Dragon and Monito are the ones tossing the darts at the poster. Monito wants a high five from Dragon, but Dragon just kicks him into a locker and walks out.

Put little Gabriella to bed, it’s shitkicking time.


Super Dragon def. Necro Butcher (18’12”) via TKO. Oh fuck was this brutal. Although more competitive than their previous match, Dragon still was a motherfucking KING at beating the shit out of Necro Butcher, who still doesn’t wear shoes when he wrestles. Dragon gave Necro a reverse curbstomp at one point, standing on his head, pulling up on his legs, and stomping his nuts into the mat. Finish came when Dragon gave Necro a curbstomp on the concrete floor, knocking him the fuck out. He just kinda laid there for the rest of the show.


Who wants more shitkicking? It was rhetorical, shithead.


William Regal NC Fit Finlay (7’31”) when both of them started beating the shit out of referees. Yeah, these guys will look like those raisins that used to be on those commercials playing saxophones and shit tomorrow. What I’m trying to say is that they have many welts and bruises. Finlay apparently felt that the referee was counting “too fast” at one point, and just started punching him in the face over and over again. Another ref tried to rescue the first, but Regal kicked him in the side of the head. Rinse and repeat for about 10 minutes. Eventually Regal got bored and left, as Finlay continued kicking the shit out of referees.


It’s time for the “See, we let the women wrestle too” match.


Cheerleader Melissa def. Mariko Yoshida (14’19”) with the Downward Spiral. Fun women’s match with lots of innovative spots. Melissa got a big nearfall after countering Yoshida’s attempted Air Raid Crash into a sunset flip. Shortly thereafter, Melissa picked up the win with the Downward Spiral.


MAIN EVENT. TAG TITLES. Oh yes.


The Kings of Wrestling def. Chris Benoit and Samoa Joe (30’28”) when Hero pinned Benoit following the Hero’s Welcome: Kings of Wrestling Edition. Benoit played face-in-peril for the match, as the Kings of Wrestling were able to cut the ring in half and destroy Benoit with some nifty double teams. With Hero holding Benoit’s leg, Benoit got an enziguri to knock Hero down, and it appeared that Benoit would finally be able to tag Joe. However, Claudio left the apron and ran all the way across the ring, knocking Joe off the apron. From here on out, as it usually does, all hell broke loose. Benoit and Claudio did the dueling chops/eurocuts thing on the outside while Hero gave Joe a top rope doublestomp back in the ring. Hero went to cover Joe, and while the referee was telling Hero that Joe wasn’t the legal man, Benoit tried to sneak in a top rope diving headbutt on Hero. However, Hero moved, and Benoit hit Joe with the diving headbutt. Hero pointed to his head, signaling that he knew all along that Joe wasn’t the legal man. Claudio snuck back into the ring, and the Kings of Wrestling delivered the Hero’s Welcome: Kings of Wrestling Edition to Benoit for the victory.


After the match, Benoit tries to explain what happened to Joe, who just glares at him. Eventually Joe slaps Benoit hard across the face and leaves to many “BOOS” as Benoit shakes his head in disbelief. Necro Butcher’s unconscious body continues to lie outside the ring.

END SHOW.

Press Release courtesy of THEMFINGPROWRESTLING.COM:

THIS is not done. Returning SOON actually. D.A.V.E. rejoice.

Yes. Please. Sir


And, I might be doing my own thing soon............

I'm glad to see this is back. The fantasy wrestling world won't know what hit 'em.

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TPW(5): Someone Shit on the Coats
September 30th, 2006 LIVE from Cleveland Ohio

Attendance: No one counted.

*On the JumboTron we see Super Dragon walking through a hallway in all of his regular gear, plus a very Ric Flair-esque robe. He beats the fuck out of a small child asking for an autograph in preparation for his match with Katsuhiko Nakajima tonight.

Following a brief welcoming from the motherfucking awesomeness that is Tony Schiavone, we head to the ring for our opening contest, which just happens to be the Tag Team Number One Contendership Match of Impending and Impractical Doom from Hell. TPW(5) MOTHERFUCKERS!


Austin Aries and Roderick Strong def. Guerreros del Infiernos (9’58”) when Aries pinned Bucanero following a 450 splash. A hot formula tag match to kick off the show. Guerrero and Bucanero rudo’ed it up and cut the ring in half (with swords) as Aries played face in motherfucking peril for awhile. Aries finally tagged Strong, who busted out like 6 different kinds of backbreakers in about 5 seconds on both GdI members. Eventually GdI took over on Strong too, and Aries was tagged back in. As Ultimo and Strong battled on the floor, Aries and Bucanero competed in a fast paced exchange, ending with Rod Strong sneaking into the ring and delivering a half nelson backbreaker, followed by an Aries 450 for the victory.


Up next, the debuting Sara del Ray takes on Cheerleader Melissa.


Sara del Ray def. Cheerleader Melissa (8’46”) following a dragon suplex. A very competitive women’s match up, featuring tons of nearfalls and premature ejaculation. Melissa tried for her Downward Spiral move late in the match, but Sara was able to counter into a fujiwara armbar. After a brief struggle, Melissa eventually got to the ropes, only to be dumped on her head seconds later with a brutal dragon suplex as Sara del Ray picks up the win.


Finlay and Regal are about to beat each other into unconsciousness again. My hands are trembling.

The referee for the match is wearing football pads and a riot helmet. Pussy.

Finlay carries a dead leprechaun to the ring with him. What a man. He tells Regal this will soon be his fate. Finlay then lifts the leprechaun high into the air, and breaks it in half over his knee. Gold coins go flying everywhere.

Regal’s out now, and they’re not gonna fuck around. Motherfuckin’ heads ‘bout to be stomped in, son.


Fit Finlay NC William Regal (13’45”) when they both brawled out of the arena. Yes, another non-finish. Quit your bitching, it’s still better than anything you’ve ever seen. They teased attacking the ref a bunch, before deciding just to knee each other in the temple until the other blacked out. After a stalemate, Regal grabbed a chair and started pounding Finlay with it. Not to be outdone, Finlay grabbed a piece of plywood from under the ring and broke it over Regal’s face. They brawled throughout the crowd, into the backstage area, and eventually out of the arena, hitting each other with various pots, pans, and dead leprechauns along the way. If you’ve learned anything today, it’s that hatred will get a motherfucking leprechaun killed.


Remember those Faces of Death videos? Yeah, this is gonna be worse.

Nakajima is out first, performing what could very well be his last bow to the audience.

Now it’s Super Dragon time, accompanied by the Grim Reaper.


Super Dragon def. Katsuhiko Nakajima (8’11”) following 3 backdrop drivers. Yes, Dragon went all Dr. Death and decided to try and put Nakajima’s head through the canvas with backdrop drivers. Channeling Dr. Death can only lead to people being fucked the fuck up. Total squash, but like a car wreck in that you can’t look away. And if you did look away, Super Dragon would come out of the ring and turn your motherfucking head back towards it with a stiff kick. This hurt.


Hey look. Tag Team Title Match. On the way.


The Kings of Wrestling def. TAKEOVER (14’32”) via notorious ways. Aka they cheated. Lots of action here, including dueling forearms and uppercuts from Shibata and Claudio and Hero holding KENTA in a cravate for about 3 minutes. Just as TAKEOVER's momentum started picking up, Claudio was able to avoid a spinning back chop from KENTA, uppercut him in the nuts, and get a rollup with the tights AND the feet on the ropes for the win. Champs retain. Onward.


Did someone say MAIN EVENT? Oh, that was me.


Samoa Joe def. Chris Benoit (25’25”) via ref stoppage. Another great main event here from TPW, we really deliver the goods. The story was Benoit trying to beat some respect into Joe after slapping him at the last show, but Benoit got respectfully owned. There was a great spot in the match, where Benoit went to whip Joe into the steel steps, but Joe jumped over the steps, only for Benoit to dropkick the steps into the back of Joe’s knees. Benoit had Joe in the sharpshooter at one point, but Joe powered out using his Samoan Strength. One ‘Da Choke and 3 arm drops later and the ref is forced to call it a match.


But wait, that fucking Joe is heeling it up by not letting go of ‘Da Choke. Benoit’s already unconscious, but it looks like Joe is going for even more than that. Eventually like 14 officials pull Benoit to safety.

As Benoit is being carted to the back on a stretcher, someone in a hoodie jumps out of the crowd and knocks the stretcher over. The man pulls the hood down to reveal motherfucking Bryan Danielson. Danielson continues pummeling the unconscious Benoit before grabbing a mic and climbing into the ring with Joe. The two stare at each other for a moment, before Danielson starts to talk.

He basically says that while Chris Benoit may have told Joe to learn some respect, Benoit is the one that needs to learn some respect and get the fuck out of the ring. For good. Danielson talks about Benoit being past his prime, and how he needs to respect the younger generation, especially the two best wrestlers in the world. Not Chris Benoit, but Bryan Danielson and Samoa Joe.

END SHOW.

I hope you didn't click on this thread in hopes of an update. I'm lazy as fuck. Soon, though. Soon.

Yep. Still lazy as fuck. Soon.

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