WWE Saturday Night's Main Event - March 18th, 2006
- For the first time in nearly 15 years, the WWE returns to NBC with Saturday Night's Main Event (yes, FOX aired two episodes in 1992, but fuck FOX). The nostalgia scale is ready to burst, but much like WWE Homecoming, I'm just setting myself up for a major disappointment. Oh well, at least this show won't be three hours of hell, and i'll tape it regardless of how awful it is. Afterall, I still have the November '88 on tape, and that was easily the worst episode ever. [/Comic Book Guy]
NOTE: Thanks to changing around my room, I now have to watch and type from the right-side, which is a pain since I've done it from my left for several years, and I'm naturally left-handed, so it's more comfortable. Also I'm taking out commercials at the same time, incase you question the short match times.
- Old School start, as we get quick promos from the McMahons, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena, JBL, and The Boogeyman. As expected, the opening theme sucks, of course. GOOD OL JR RETURNS TO COMMENTARY! And he's with the King and Tazz. The set for SNME looks pretty nice for a regular TV show... and HOLY SHIT! THE MAIN EVENT IS FIRST! ITS LIKE SATURDAY NIGHTS MAIN EVENT!
- John Cena & Triple H vs. Rey Mysterio Jr., Kurt Angle, Randy Orton:
This is a "WrestleMania Main Event vs. WrestleMania Main Event" match, with Cena scheduled to face Triple H for the RAW Title and the three Smackdown guys in a 3-way for Angle's title. WHITE ROPES! AWESOME! And hey, Randy Orton's music is still gay! Cena attacks Orton from behind to start and hammers away. Orton with a poke of the eyes and some CLUBBERIN Blows. Irish whip is reversed, and they manage to fuck up a hip toss spot, taking far too long on it. Angle tags in and pounds on Cena now. Whip to the corner, and Angle eats boot. Angle comes back though with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex and nails Trips off the apron. Cena escapes the Angle Slam and nails a Spinebuster for a two count. Cena with a front facelock, and in comes Trips to try and bury Angle. Pounding in the corner by the Game-uh. Angle with a series of German Suplexes to come back again, and in comes Mysterio, with a springboard senton thingy, followed by a lucha-style sunset flip for a two count. Mysterio with a back slide for another two count. Cena tags back in and the crowd is boo'ing someone as Lawler makes fun of Mysterio's height (fuck you, Lawler). Mysterio with a dropkick to Cena and a head scissors takeover on Cena. Basement dropkick to Cena, and another dropkick to Triple H. Irish whip is reversed, and the crowd chants CENA SUCKS really loud. 6-1-9.... prevented, and Trips clotheslines him to hell with Eddie Guerrero as we go to a...
[Commercial Break]
We come back with Mysterio nailing HHH in the midsection from the apron, so Trips knees him in the face, sending him to the ground. Trips throws Mysterio into the security wall for extra points in the "I hate you" game. Back into the ring, and Trips covers for a two count. Damn, Jim Ross reminds me of how awesome he can be compared to 90% of the shit WWE employs to do commentary. Mysterio boots Trips in the face, then walks into a Spinebuster, but Angle breaks the count at two. Mysterio with a series of blows to the midsection as the crowd chants for Eddie. SLEEPER HOLD by Triple H... that's OLD SCHOOL motherfucker! Mysterio escapes in the corner, but gets sent into the corner a la Bret Hart. Trips sets him up on the top rope, but Mysterio elbows him off. Rey comes off the top with a standing moonsault, and now both men are down. Trips cuts off the hot tag, but gets knocked into his corner. Cena and Orton both tag in, and the crowd boos Cena out of the fucking building. Orton escapes the F-U, but in the process knocks Angle off the apron. Cena with a modified back suplex, and the crowd just HATES Him here. Five-Knuckle Shuffle gets a VERY minor girl pop, and connects with the F-U, but Trips pulls him off AND THE PEDIGREE TIME IS NOW! Trips comes back in the ring, then has Orton cover Cena for the... two count, as Rey pulls ORTON off for the count. Trips with PEDIGREE TO REY NOW. Angle clotheslines HHH out, and it's an RKO to Angle! W-C-W! W-C-W! W-C-W! Cena blocks the RKO, and rolls up Orton for the three count at 9:41. **1/4 It was pretty good for the most part, but that finish was REALLY fucking shitty, as expected. Triple H made sure to nail both babyfaces with his signature move, and gets taken out with a clothesline. Wow... that overbooked finish reminded me of WCW, incase you didn't get the joke. Oh well, this was great on the old SNME scale, but by today's standards, feh... we've seen much better on a weekly basis on Smackdown for the last few months.
- Some chattering by the commentary team. We run down the two World Title matches, and the Hall of Fame inductions for 2006, including Gene Okerlund (inducted by Hulk Hogan), Eddie Guerrero (by Mysterio, Chavo, and Benoit), Verne Gagne (by his son Greg), the Sensational Sherri (by Ted Dibiase), and of course, Bret Hart (by Steve Austin). You can see Bret's induction live at 11 p.m. on April 1st on the USA Network.
- Backstage we go, and Booker T is faking a knee injury to get out of his match with the Boogeyman. This fake doctor is a terrible actor... I smell Long tricking Booker T to walk on his seriously injured knee... okay, no we don't, at least not yet. Hopefully we see the match, because the one major reason for me to see SNME other than it being SNME is to see the Boogeyman vs. Booker T. Yes, I just said it... sucka!
- Out comes Edge and Lita the Stank Ho, for the generic Talk Show of the Year™ given to sucky wrestlers who barely have enough charisma to cut a promo... but first, we have to take another Commercial break. His guest is Mick Foley, and well, he doesn't want to talk. Woah, Edge sets a table on fire... HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE. Foley isn't afraid though, then kicks Edge's ass. THUMBTACKS! THUMBTACKS... fuck it, he's over-abused this spot too much in every match he's had since 1998. Edge, of course, does a face-first bulldog onto the tacks, since everyone else in recorded history is too big of a pussy to take the bump... except Orton of all people. And Kane's ass landed in them once. Foley no-sells to my surprise, and hammers on Edge with a steel chair. CON-CHAIR-TO FOLEY STYLE! Note: It's been 20 minutes since the last match. POOR BOOKING BY WWE! WHAT A SURPRISE!
- Shawn Michaels/McMahon Family feud recap video... Jesus Christ, they're wasting a shitload of time for this show, especially since they only have four matches booked to begin with!...
And of course, Booker T does some dancing to show he's not injured, which causes the Boogeyman to show up, hanging upside down in the room! Booker T and Sharmell run screaming from the room, and no doubt, are caught by Teddy Long... Later.
- BEER DRINKING CONTEST~! After the millionth commercial break, JBL cuts a promo about how Detroit sucks, their sports teams suck, their cars suck, and other forms of cheap heat, like comparing them to Mexico and Japan. Austin thankfully (?) interrupts in his trusty truck. JUST DRINK THE FUCKING BEER AND GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY! JBL makes a Brokeback Mountain joke, and Austin appears to be holding back the laughter. Austin calls JBL a "one minute man", so JBL comes back with a "talk to my wife" reply. JBL cheats by spilling about 90% of the beer, but Austin catches him doing it 18 seconds into the contest. JBL throws beer in Austins face, but Benoit runs out to throw him back in the ring. BEER BATH FOR JBL! KICK-WHAM-STUNNER! Well that was a total waste of 15 minutes.
- Trish "Sting" Stratus & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle:
Oh great, this is what breaks the dry-spell of no wrestling?! It only took WWE about an hour to kill my hopes for a traditional SNME. Oh, and this crowd is dead now... what a surprise. And yay, we get a complete recap of the Trish/James "relationship." We're almost at the one hour mark since the last match ended. It only takes Lawler about 5 seconds to get HORNY~! Candice does her stupid pose, a.k.a the only thing she can do, so Trish misses a kick and they do stuff. Victoria pulls her hair and Candice chokes on... I mean, she chokes Trish down. Victoria with a kick to the mouth from the apron, followed by her somersault leg drop for a two count. Victoria applies a front facelock... and the crowd is so dead, you can hear the chatter between the divas. James gets the tag... but the referee didn't see it. Oh, tag. Trish blocks a double suplex with a double DDT. Victoria nails Mickie off the apron, but gets nailed with stratusfaction, and it's over at 2:40. Well, that sure did suck. Mickie James didn't even tag into the match! THAT SUCKS! Oh no, talking again... Mickie blah-blah-blah's, then nails her... with a kiss, but Trish turned away from it. So Mickie nails a sucky version of the Chick Kick, to the surprise of no one. Mickie with Mickie-faction, and that looked shitty too. Damn her ring work sure went downhill, or maybe she doesn't do Trish's moves well. Eh, who cares. -* Just for booking this on the show and the more than obvious heel turn by Mickie. WWE Unlimited shows us Mickie James cutting a whacked out promo... so aren't we supposed to feel sorry for her being turned down by Trish? Damn WWE's crappy booking.
- We run down the rest of the WrestleMania card: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon, Mick Foley vs. Edge in a Hardcore Match, The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry, Money in the Bank (1 opponent still to be named), Kane & Big Show vs. Carlito & Chris Masters, The Boogeyman vs. Booker T, and of course, the two World Title matches we've already established.
- And now we get MORE talking, but first, here's a recap of Mark Henry's path of destruction, incase you missed Friday Night Smackdown! this past week, which has shown the same thing. And NOW more talking... but first again, it's ANOTHER COMMERCIAL! Mark Henry and Daivari call out the Undertaker, blah blah blah, tonga kid, samoa joe, rikishi, sika, and carlos colon. Out come some of the residents of Planet Druidia, bringing out the casket of the recently passed on Prince Valium, who overdosed on Pep-Up Pills. Hey, if the show is going to suck, I'll just humor myself. Undertaker: Texas Ranger comes out, trying poorly to look like a bad ass the levels of Chuck Norris, while Mark Henry scarfs down a quadruple cheese burger in one bite and Daivari cuts someones head off at ringside while sending the feed of the camera to George Dubya. After taking 67 minutes to get to the ring, Henry finishes eating the little boy at ringside, and it's time to get it on... in a game of Old Maid! Winner gets the last pork chop. Henry cheats of course, and eats the pork chop regardless, so Undertaker kicks him in the stomach, hoping he will cough it back up. Just when you thought it was safe to not hear these over-killed jokes, Jaws V makes his WWE debut, taking his vengeance out on the Undertaker, who is Ellen Brody's cousin 53 times removed, and says this time it's Really Really Really Really Personal. Just for the hell of it, the Ghost of Christmas Present comes out to kick Undertaker in his dentures, and complains about how the Undertaker possessed the soul of Roddy Piper to turn against his humble workers back in 1986. He doesn't explainw hy it took him so long to get his revenge. I guess he had to take a really massive dump from all the food he stole from Ebeneezer Scrooge.
- Street Fight Because Neither Guy Can Wrestle Worth A Shit Match:
"Brokeback Kid" Shawn Michaels vs. "Genetic Jackhammer Junior" Shane McMahon:
Yeah, I'm totally dogging it now, so if you're offended by my non-stop hatred for the Humpback Dick, stop reading and go find something else to read, like the Bible or Michael Jackson's Autobiography, "So Many Boys, So Little Time." Michaels comes out in his gay leather and cowboy chaps, and people wonder why he's made fun of for being a potential blowjob customer for Andy Dick in the movie Old School. Here comes the Monkey plays, as Curious George comes dancing out like his name is Booker T from earlier in the night. Queer Bait attacks Shane O'Mac on the top of the ramp and he be Clubbering, Tony! Wussy punches from the self-proclaimed Heartbreak Kid, despite being middle aged and having a receding hairline. Michaels bashes Shane with something for turning down his sexual advances. My dead grandmother can hit harder than that! Michaels sets up a table so he can bend over Shane and audition him for Chokeslam Mountain, starring Scrooge McSuck, Glen Jacobs, Don Rickles, and Tino Martinez. Now Shane pulls out a Ladder, no doubt trying to compensate for something else that might not MEASURE UP. Shane rams Shawn's brokeback into the ring post with the intensity of a 4 year old with a dirty diaper. Shane sets up the ladder in the ring, probably thinking about fixing the broken light above the ring. Vince lays Michaels down across the table, but Michaels refuses to see Vince's giant grape fruits, and now we get a pointless table spot, because neither guy can wrestle worth a shit. Okay, Shawn super-plexing Shane off the ladder, out of the ring, and through two tables is pretty cool... and now we go to another Commercial to kill the momentum of the match and make sure we don't hear Shawn and Shane calling spots to each other while pretending to play Katie Vick. Thankfully Kane isn't anywhere near the arena. Back in the ring, and HBK gives Shane a shot to the mouth. Michaels puts Shane on his back and climbs on top... of the ladder. Naturally, his old body can't do that without about 6 minutes of preperation. Since both men are too tired, out of shape, or old to do anything, we see 620 replays of the super-plex. Shane busts Michaels in the face with his massive ladder, and now Michaels is getting ready for somw Sweet Doggystyle Music. Shane rams it in his butt, but it only gets two. Michaels continues no-selling Shane's thick and long Ladder, probably jealous he couldn't get something that big to work with. Shawn spreads his legs for Vince while Shane holds him back, but thankfully they don't relive their special moments from the day of SummerSlam '96. Note to Shane: You can't wrestle. Just saying, incase I haven't made my point yet. Tornado DDT by Shane, and Shane rubs his head into HBK's crotch for good measure, but it's only for two again. Nice blocking of the chair Shawn. That only looked about 99% fake to my blurred vision, suffered from smelling the stink of this garbage. Shane attempts to steal RVD's big move again, but it nails Vince instead. Vince took that like a man, too, I should point out. HBK with his bareback kip-up, and by now, you'd think someone would wise up and kick him in his back during it all. Michaels gets ready for Sweet Chin Music, but he's shooting blanks tonight, completely misses Shane's face. Vince pulls the referee out, for those who care, cause I sure as hell don't. Michaels threatens bodily harm to Vince, but Shane fists him. Shane with the Sharpshooter, a.k.a the reverse 69, and Vince rings the fucking bell at 13:52. Well, a shit finish to a shit match. I didn't even bother to watch the match, so no rating.
[b]Final Thoughts:[/b This show sucked even more than I expected, and now replaces the 11/88 SNME for worst Saturday Night's Main Event Ever, and really, that was a hard thing to accomplish.