At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Well Yeah, but you started it!"

The pharmacist...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my gosh, I'm sooo sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to stay for breakfast the next morning. An evening of wild passion ensues.

The next morning, she's cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this fantastic to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies..."You just happened to catch my eye."

A child's prayer...

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

Against marriage...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"



Ewwwww :x

Beer Consumption

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A rabbit walks in to a pub, pops himself up on one of the bar stools and orders a toasted cheese sandwich. He eats with gusto, says thanks and leaves, leaving a pub full of amazed customers.

The next day the rabbit walks in to the bar, pops himself on to the same stool and orders a cheese and ham toasted cheese sandwich. He eats away, thanks the bar staff and leaves.

The next day the same thing happens except he orders a cheese, ham and pickle toasted sandwich.

On the fourth day the rabbit walks in to the pub and pops himself on the bar stool and it's immediately apparent that the poor chap is dead. One of the regulars walks over and asked him what caused him to die.

The rabbit turns to him and in raspy voice replies......

"Mixing me toasties".

:shifty:

I remember that one as a kid as being the first "clever" joke I got - still great :thumbsup:

As I've Matured...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.


I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.




I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.



I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty
things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming
back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.


I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.




I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it



I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.



I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the
real pains in the ass are permanent.



Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who
knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!

Two French tourists were driving through Louisiana -- still angry that their ancestors had sold it so cheaply... As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one Frenchman asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are? But please say it very slowly."

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

A plane crashes on a desert island, there are only 3 survivors. Jack, Jill and Dave. After a few weeks on the island, and meeting the "needs" of her two male companions. Jill takes her own life out of depression and guilt about what she was doing.
After a couple of days, Jack and Dave, start to do what comes naturally.

After six weeks though they decide to do the right thing, and bury Jill.

This joke was supplied by a very dear friend of mine called Lesley. As I work with her I immediately fired her for misuse of the internal email system. :lol: :lmao:

What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?


Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

From Andy:

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy
> Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their
> order; she is young and very attractive.
>
> She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy
> salad."
>
> "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do
> you want, Mr. President?"
>
> Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"
>
> Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed
> in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm
> sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.
>
> Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's
> pronounced 'quiche'".

:lol: :lol: :lol:

The sad thing is it could happen :rolleyes:

I've heard that one before but it's still :lol:

This used to be a Scotsman, Irishman, Englishman joke but it has been ammended to suit these non race stereotyping times lol.

Three men, go on holiday together to Saudi Arabia.
While walking through the desert one day, they come across a tent.
Opening the tent they find a harem full of beautiful women.
Now, men being men. They make love to as many of them as possible.
Then they hear the sound of horses coming closer and stopping just outside.

An Arab sheikh enters the tent and is angry that "his" women have been interfered with by infidels.

"You will be punished according to how you live" He says. Then looks at the first man. "What do you do for a living?
The first man replies, "I am a fireman."
The sheikh announces "Then your penis will be burned until it falls off."
He then turns to the second man and askes the same question.
The second man answers, "I'm a carpenter"
"Then your penis will be sawn off"
The sheikh then turns to the third man, who starts laughing.
"Why are you laughing, what do you do?" Asks the sheikh.
"I work in a sweet factory, as a lolly pop tester."

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presents.



:tumbleweed:

I'll get my coat...

:lol: cheesy but :lol:

:o Cheesy?!! <_<

That's unfair to cheese. :P :lol:

That one's just quality, not cheesy. I tell it all the time never fails to get a laugh..... :blink:

Tasteless, but...


Why is Yassar Arafat wearing a Spurs Top, Rangers Shorts and Newcastle Socks?

Because he wants to be buried in the Gazza Strip.

Teacher says to her class "Can any of you make a sentence that uses the word contagious?"

Little Suzy jumps up and says "My mummy has a cold, and she won't kiss me because its contagious"

"Well done" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Billy jumps up and says "My mummy says I shouldn't play with the boy next door, as he has chicken pox and its contagious"

"Well done" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says "My Daddy says the next door neigbour is painting his entire house, and he only has a tiny paintbrush. Daddy says it will take the poor contagious"



:whistling:

A man goes into a bar and buys a drink After a while, he notices there is a man in the corner who appears to have an orange for a head. Intrigued, the man goes over and strikes up a conversation...

"I couldn't help noticing that you have an orange for a head. Thats very usual. How did that happen?" says the man

"Well, its a funny story" say the other one. "I was out walking one day, when I found a bottle. I opened it, and a genie came out. He said 'thankyou for releasing me from the bottle. I grant you three wishes'"

"I though, 'great', so I thought about it, and asked to be made enormously wealthy. 'It is so!' said the genie, and next time I checked my bank account, my balance was enormous."

"Wow, thats amazing," says the man.

"Next, I thought about it again, and asked to be able to sleep with any woman I desired. 'It is so!' said the genie, and sure enough, I became irresistible to women"

"Wow" said the man again, "so what happened then?"

"Well, I though about it again, and I asked if he would give me an orange for a head"


:whistling:

How many freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?




Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis............I mean LADDER!

How does a norwegian contact the dead?




With a norwegie board.











I'll go and get a number of coats

I have to say i'm as s piissed as a tw*t at the moment but thats the best joke I've heard in an a while.:)

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.

"What's the matter The Edge?" he says.

"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."

Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."

"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."

Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."

"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."

So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."

Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."

Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."

"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."

The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.

The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."

Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says

"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Comedy genius

LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I thankyou

:) :)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

:lol:

I always heard the the bride wears white because its important that the dishwasher matches the oven and fridge.

Only joking.








By the way, I also went to a wedding the other day. Two aerials were getting married. The ceremony was a bit boring, but the reception was fantastic.




Badum-tish

My oven and fridge are stainless steel :unsure: ;) :lol: :lol:

Believe it or not, I actually wore white for my wedding. C'mon fess up, how many thought I'd dress up like Morticia on my wedding day :lol: :lol:

Erm, me? :unsure:

:o ;) :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

My husband was in a total panic thinking I would wear black. I didn't tell him it was ivory until he saw it on the day :lol: :lol: