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| Expatiate! Expatiate! Film censors want a 12 certificate for the new Doctor Who DVD, because of scenes of cruelty to Daleks. T2 finds out what the Daleks feel about this. "So," said the therapist, nodding already. "What seems to be the problem?" "IT'S THE ENDLESS HATRED. FOR MORE THAN 40 YEARS EVERYONE I HAVE MET HAS TRIED TO KILL ME." said the Dalek. "Paranoia," said the therapist, softly. "I DON'T THINK SO," said the Dalek. "ONLY LAST WEEK THE DOCTOR CALLED ME AN 'ABHORRENT AND UNUSUAL NIGHTMARE'." "At least you've been seeing doctors," said the therapist. "NINE DOCTORS," said the Dalek. "EACH ONE WORSE THAN THE LAST. YET ALL FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME PERSON." "You seem to be slightly confused," said the therapist. The Dalek tried to shrug, but remembered it didn't have the mechanism. "MIGHT I BE PERMITTED TO STAND?" "Lying down is vital. It relaxes the legs." "A JOKE?" said the Dalek. "I am sorry. Please describe your childhood." The Dalek thought of the mutation of the Khaleds (sic), the defeat of the Thals, the Movellan war, the Hand of Omega destroying the Sun. "JUST AVERAGE," it said. "And your parents? Were you close?" It shuddered. "DAVROS? MY MAKER NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME." It thought about this. "EXCEPT ON A GENETIC LEVEL." "And this upset you?" "OF COURSE. THAT IS WHY WE TRIED TO KILL HIM IN SEASON 12." "You know," said the therapist, "underneath all this metal, bumps and guns, there's something soft and delicate." "AH," said the Dalek. "YOU SPEAK OF MY TRUE SELF." "This true self," said the therapist. "Please describe it." "LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN SNOT AND A KIPPER," it said. "Such self-loathing," mused the therapist. "Would you mind if I showed you some Rorschach cards?" The Dalek's single blue eye clicked and focused. "A BUTTERFLY," it said. "A BEAUTIFUL TROPICAL ISLAND. A PRETTY BIRD." "Wonderful!" said the therapist. "That's what you see?" "NO," said the Dalek. "YOU FOOL. I SEE TWO EXPLOSIONS AND AN AXE CLEAVING A HEAD." The therapist looked sad. "Why do you think everyone hates you so much?" "THE KILLINGS?" "No." "THEN THE MUTATED VISION OF THE FUTURE?" "No." "THE VOICE LIKE ANN WIDDECOMBE'S ANSWERING PHONE?" "No. It's the attitude. You are so down on yourself. What can you do to cheer up?" "EXTERMINATE," said the Dalek, brightly. "Or," said the therapist, "a course of Prozac." "I'LL STICK WITH THE EXTERMINATING, THANKS," said the Dalek, and vaporised him. "I FEEL BETTER ALREADY." |