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| Interview with TrekToday.com's webmaster, Christian Sparboth. CS: Hi, Rick. Thanks for joining us today. RB: Thanks for having me. CS: Fairly dramatic news, wouldn't you say? I'm reading here in Variety that 20th Century Fox just announced you will be replacing George Lucas on developing the "Star Wars" franchise. Incredible! RB: Well, I'm happy, to say the least. But I don't think it's so "incredible," as you say. I mean, I think I'm a logical choice. CS: Having run "Star Trek" for so many years, you mean? RB: That, of course, but also because of my knowledge of franchise re-engineering. I think it's a safe bet to say that Roddenberry would have run "Star Trek" into the ground left to his own devices. Paramount lucked out by getting me on board when they did to take over that one. CS: Why, were you pursuing something else at the time? RB: Yep. CS: Do tell! RB: Well, I was coming off of the Big Blue Marble, remember? The success of that show had me in pretty high demand. CS: But Marble ended in 1982, and you joined Trek in 1987. What was going on in those five years that had you "in high demand?" RB: Well, of course, there was... (inaudible.) CS: What? RB: (inaudible) CS: Did you just say "inaudible?" RB: Anyway, I had been just about to sign a contract with a local public access station to develop my own erotic children's program called "Stinkfinger and the Winking Sphincter." My pilot script had just won the Academy award for best new concept. CS: What Academy? RB: Oh, that was a name my poker friends and I gave our group. "The Academy." But they loved it, like I said. My point is that at that time I was hot. White hot. Paramount was lucky to get me. And dare I say, without my efforts, "Star Trek" would have died a slow death over, say, 50 years. Imagine a half century of bland scripts, feel-good characters, carpeted ship's bridges, and sugary moral lessons! CS: What do you feel your major contribution to Trek was, then? RB: I expedited its death, of course. CS: So what about "Star Wars." Why would Fox have dumped George Lucas on the heels of the successful "Phantom Menace," and the buzzworthy "Attack Of The Clones?" Was his health poor? RB: (Laughs) Well, ol' Lucas isn't exactly a spring chicken. CS: Aren't you the same age as him? RB: Yes, but I live a better lifestyle. I jog, I drink bottled water, ... and I have access to all those designer drugs Brannon brings to my house. I fully expect to live to 300. My god, Lucas can barely get out of bed in the morning. Fox was smart not to tie their star to that fat hack. CS: Was Lucas involved in the decision to bring you on board "Star Wars?" RB: Oh yes, fully involved. CS: What was that like? RB: Well, it went something like this. Fox said "We're bringing on Rick Berman." Lucas had a coronary, threatened to sue, screamed and spit, tore up his scripts, and then finally came to see the logic of it. CS: How did that happen? RB: He collapsed and fell into a coma. Oh, and then we forged his signature on a handoff agreement. As I said, he was totally involved. CS: Amazing. So, he tore the scripts up for future "Star Wars" episodes? RB: Oh yes. But he was just saving me the work. CS: Ahh, so you would have torn them up? RB: Faster than Christopher Lowell on a boyscout. Fox made it very plain. The "Star Wars" films weren't making the kind of money they wanted, so they wanted fresh blood. They gave me carte blanche. CS: What's that? RB: It's a new Starbucks chai drink. CS: No, I mean what level of freedom did they give you? RB: Total. CS: How total? RB: Total. CS: How do you manage these incredible deals? RB: Well, I'm no Donald Trump, but I know the art of the deal. I drug everyone involved as much as possible, wait until they start seeing the walls breathe, and then bring in topless strippers with ballpoint pens. CS: What are the pens for? RB: With enough amphetamines and pussy, those Hollywood spunkdunkers will sign anything. That's the art of the deal, son. CS: Ok, so you landed the role of Executive Producer of "Star Wars Episode III." How did you feel? RB: Well I landed more than that. I've taken over the entire franchise. I'll be producing all the future movies, as well as writing, directing and casting the films. I have total control. If James Cameron still thinks he's king of the world, he can suck my dickbiscuit. CS: Well, let me rephrase the question then. How do you feel about taking over one of the most popular franchises in movie history? RB: Well, again, it was a logical choice for Fox. I'm not quite moved by the experience one way or the other. I'm just anxious to get to work so I can please the fans the way I did with "Star Trek." CS: But you realize you are almost universally reviled by the Trek fans, right? RB: You're confusing me with Brannon Braga. CS: No, I'm not. I... RB: Gigantic nipples. CS: What? RB: I said, she has gigantic nipples. Big chewy suckers. CS: What are you talking about? Are you just changing the subject? RB: You asked what's my favorite part of Jolene Blalock's body. I said her gigantic nipples. CS: I don't think I asked that... RB: And her amazing ass. Damn. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm looking forward to reinventing what we know about "Star Wars." CS: Ok, but why? "Star Wars" is an incredibly successful franchise. Why reinvent it? RB: To make me MORE successful. CS: Don't you mean to make "IT" more successful? I mean, the franchise? RB: Nope. I meant what I said. CS: So what's the first step? RB: Well, I've already begun the preliminary work. I viewed all six of the "Star Wars" films so far, just to get familiar with the material. CS: There are only five films. RB: Really? Are you sure? CS: Yes. "A New Hope," "The Empire Strikes Back," "Return of the Jedi," "The Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones." That's five. RB: Wasn't "Bio Dome" one of them? CS: No, that was a Pauly Shore movie. RB: Hmm. I really think you're wrong on that. In fact, "Bio Dome" might have been my favorite. In any event, I'm fully familiar with the material, and already have all my gripes worked out. CS: Like? RB: Well first of all, George Lucas was way too optimistic. I feel like I'm on Roddenberry's Trek again. Straightjacketed by two dimensional characters. CS: Optimistic? How can you say that? I mean, this entire second set of films is all about the rise and fall of one of movie's greatest villains, Darth Vader! It's dark stuff. RB: But all those little droids running around. The whole "Force" thing. And what's up with all that sunlight on Tatooine? CS: It's a desert planet! It gets a lot of sunlight. RB: Ahh, baloney. Lucas was too goody-goody. We need more characters who fight amongst themselves, like Odo and Quark, or Archer and T'Pol, or Odo and Sisko, or Janeway and Seven, or Odo and Bashir. That's what makes them human, after all. CS: Half of those characters you just mentioned weren't human, though. RB: Whatever. Anyway, I think an important first step is to tear off the straightjacket and re-imagine the main characters of "Star Wars." Let's find out what makes Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Padme tick, let's analyze what Luke and Leia and Han Solo are all about. CS: And then? RB: Then totally throw it the fuck out the window and do something different. Make Luke a doctor, for example. Imagine the nurses on Tatooine running down the hall, saying "Dr. Skywalker, you're needed in the holodeck!" CS: There aren't any holodecks in "Star Wars." RB: That's another big problem. Lucas never used any holodecks for Christ's sake! How can you write a sci-fi story and leave out the holodecks? CS: Isaac Asimov wrote a lot of sci fi without holodecks. RB: Asimov was a hack, and what did he have? Five fans? And that wasn't sci fi he was writing, it was sword and sorcery. There's a difference. CS: No, Asimov wrote science fiction. RB: Were there any holodecks in it? CS: Well, no... RB: Then it wasn't sci-fi. Pay attention, now, ok? So anyway, we make Luke Skywalker a surgeon in the planet's hospital, and then we make Chewbacca this giant, mangy, hairy creature... CS: Chewbacca IS a giant, mangy hairy creature. RB: No, no, not like in the Lucas movies. Think more like Howard Stern. If I can, I'll get Stern to play him, no makeup. Just think, that big ugly fuck running around with Dr. Skywalker arguing all the time, with phasers blasting... CS: You mean light sabers, right? RB: Nope. CS: You are not taking away the light sabers. RB: Really now. With the advent of the little executive laser pointer the "light saber" seems kind of anachronistic now, doesn't it? No, we really need phasers. A totally new weapon design. It'll have a handle and this little trigger thingy. CS: That's called a "gun." RB: Yeah, good, we'll call them "guns." Thanks. CS: But the characters you are talking about, Luke and Chewbacca, they are not in the new movies. The new set of films is set BEFORE the Luke period. How will you... RB: Oh please, like I need to explain this? CS: Please. You're not going to... RB: Oh yes. CS: No no nononono... RB: Yep. Time travel paradoxes. Dr. Luke and Nurse Chewy Stern. CS: Nurse? RB: Yep, they travel through a time portal into the past and meet up with Padme and Obi-Wan. But now Obi-Wan is called Brackish McHooten and Padme is a supersexy nymphet with breasts the size of medicine balls stuffed into some kind of stretchy fabric which in its normal state would be the size of a Post-It. Oh, and Brackish and Padme... they're a conjoined species who share a set of genitalia every night. CS: Will you keep Natalie Portman in the part? RB: Oh no. The entire cast is gone. We've already Enronized their contracts. Portman was a ugly little beast anyway. No, the new Padme is very sensual, with ripe melons ready to be devoured. I'll do the casting myself, of course, acting out the part of Brackish. CS: So you'll get to conjoin genitalia with every actress who tries out for the role, huh? RB: Well, every one that Braga hasn't spooged on first, of course. Trust me, you don't want sloppy seconds after that dirtbag. His girlfriends have been officially classified as Hazmat areas after a night with him. I think Jeri Ryan is a superfund site now. CS: Do you have any ideas who will play Obi-Wan... I mean, Brackish McHooten? RB: I'm leaning towards Joe Piscopo. CS: Piscopo? Didn't he make a cameo on an old Next Generation episode? RB: Yes, and he was so wonderful I promised myself I'd use him again in something. I mean, he played a COMIC in that episode! The range that guy has is amazing. He eclipses even Tom Arnold. CS: So what about Anakin? I mean, who will you get to play the future Darth Vader? RB: I think we'll have to have casting calls for that one, but clearly Harrison Ford is in the lead for that role. CS: Won't that confuse the fans? RB: That was a long time ago, no one will remember. Besides, he was excellent in "In the Army Now." CS: That was a Pauly Shore movie, too. RB: Damn fine actor. CS: You said you were, what.. "straightjacketed" by Lucas' characters? RB: Yes, straightjacketed. CS: You said that a lot about Roddenberry's characters on Trek. RB: Well, it's true. CS: I'm just confused. If the characters were developed significantly enough to warrant sequels, then why do you view them as failures? RB: It's a Zen thing. CS: Huh? RB: A monk once told me "others' success is your failure." CS: You know, the scary part is that I understood that. You said Lucas' characters were two dimensional. What would you do differently with them? RB: Remove a dimension, of course. I've tried to write two-dimensional characters, and trust me, its a bi'tch. That extra dimension just gets in the way. CS: What about the big picture? Do you intend to remain true to the original vision of "Star Wars?" Operatic space battles, good versus evil, quasi-religious overtones? RB: Of course. I intend to remain very true to the concept. Just like I said I'd do with Trek on developing Enterprise. Very very true. Except for the parts about the operatic space battles, good versus evil, quasi-religious overtones. That has to go. CS: What do you put in its place, then? RB: Motionless silicone boobs in tight spandex, incomprehensible plots and dime store special effects. I'm telling you, I have this formula nailed. CS: But if you gut the basic franchise completely, can you really call the next film "Star Wars?" RB: Well that's another problem. I don't intend to be straightjacked by Lucas' lame-o title. Well r'ename the movies. CS: You're going to get rid of the name "Star Wars?" RB: Of course. I got rid of "Star Trek," didn't I? But I don't intend on waiting fourteen years to do it this time. CS: But how do you maintain franchise identity? What about licensing rights, the toys, the merchandise, the marketing? RB: The Mechatron Saga. That's the working new title for the films. CS: Huh? RB: Mechatron. Or Megatron. Something cutting edge like that. CS: Isn't that a Transformer? RB: Whatever. But I want everyone to forget the name "Star Wars." I won't be straightjacketed. CS: You really like that word, don't you? RB: Let's just say it was used a lot around my house as a kid. CS: Will you be getting John Williams to score the film? RB: Oh no. No classical score for these new films. No way. CS: What? The Williams score is an integral part of the films, how can you remove it? RB: Hey, I think I know what I am doing when dismantling a franchise, ok? With "Star Trek" I took a popular, fan-frenzied cultural phenomenon and slowly deconstructed it. First I changed the positive message to a more realistic maudlin theme. I jettisoned character chemistry for bickering nabobs. I changed costume designs, ship designs, props. I cancelled "Next Generation" at its peak, and created three spin-offs that will never spawn a single film. I reinvented the entire thing, scrapping decades of continuity. I killed off the franchises main char'acter, Kirk. I took the name "Star Trek" off the new show's title. I scrapped the theme music. With "Nemesis," I'm putting the final nail in its coffin, breaking up the crew of the Enterprise, killing off Data, and making it damn impossible to ever have those characters come back for another film. I mean that thing is deader than a roadkill possum with a toe tag. CS: But how is total deconstruction of a popular franchise a good thing? RB: Look at how much money I made doing it. So anyway, Williams is out. We're going for a new audience, a fresh audience, a wider audience. CS: You said that about Enterprise, and the ratings are some of the worst ever. It's gotten so bad, my site has to compare Enterprise's first season ratings against the season of Voyager when it got cancelled just to make the numbers look good. RB: But we got a wider audience. CS: Well, during the Enterprise spin period, just prior to its debut, you said you were going for a wider audience, but it's been a year now and the numbers show you lost viewership even among the core young male audience. RB: But they're wider. CS: How do you figure? RB: I mean they are physically wider. Sitting there watching my shows, eating Ding Dongs all day, taking the occasional break to play Quake 3... I mean these guys are easily tipping in at 300 pounds each. But dont get me 'wrong, we did reach some new viewers. We've lost a lot of die-hard fans, sure. The numbers on Enterprise are low, but we reached out to a whole new kind of viewer. CS: Who? RB: The mentally retarded. Before, Trek was too high-brow for them. Brannon and I have written scripts that even a thalidomide baby can appreciate. Before, all they had was Teletubbies. CS: So who's doing the score for your new Star Wars... er, Megatron films? RB: Not sure yet, but we will probably be using a really hip, cutting edge band, sort of the way we did with Enterprise. Scrap the orchestral music, get someone really really fresh, really really new. CS: Well that sounds exciting. Any ideas yet? RB: Celine Dion or Charlotte Church. One of those two. CS: You watch a lot of VH-1, don't you? RB: If it were any more cutting edge, I'd have no limbs. CS: Ok, back to "Star Wars." We've ascertained that you plan to change the characters, the score, the concepts, even the title. What about continuity? RB: What's that? CS: Never mind. Well, thanks for talking to us, Rick. And good luck with taking over "Star Wars." I'm sure the fans will love to see what you can do with it. RB: Really? CS: No, not really, but you have your gig and I have mine. Mine is making every lump of shit you pass look like gold so I can keep my website going. |