So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Ain't that the truth!

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."

A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."

At this point, a blonde lady said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent
exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only
wearing your gun, hat, and boots?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go
out to her motor home with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants...so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
Now go to town cowboy........

.... and, here I am".................

SEE.... BLONDE MEN DO EXIST...............

An elderly couple, Ray and Jaye, recently moved to Texas.
Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Jaye looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??

Jaye looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN JAYE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Jaye replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray, Shoulda bought a hat".

The Blonde and the Casino:

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

:lol:

25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church/temple/mosque doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

While I was watching a game last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

:lol:

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again!"

# 26 If you can't serve as a good example, then at least be a terrible warning.

and my personal favorite:
#27 Chocolate... it's not just for breakfast anymore :D

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

This one is kinda racial so I burried it. Given the border controversy though I thought it was funny.

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting,
so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks,
the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there!"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and
entered a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came
out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and
said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came
down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had
a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun
each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts! ?

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my little kitty
cat and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff,
Fffff, Fffff.'
And before he could say "Fuck," ... the Rottweiler ate him!"

This will melt your heart. In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through
the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on
one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and
with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense
moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with
his teen aged son. As they approached the
elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to near
where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant
stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe
couldn't help wondering
if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned
up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the
enclosure. He walked right up
to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its
trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.