Blonde joke...
A blonde from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip. He drives all the way into the capital to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application. The passport official looks over his shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labelled 'SEX'.
The official explains:
"No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
:D
What's Smoreplay?
It's what Smurfs do before they Smuck...
:D
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaquau. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?!"
:D
Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were suprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates. However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbours replied:
"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."
:P
1. God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and you will find a cave." And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a cave?" So God explained unto Adam exactly what a cave was. Then God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve." And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a woman called Eve?" So God explained unto Adam exactly what a woman called Eve was. The God said unto Adam "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top, and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve. Go and fornicate with her in order to reproduce." And Adam said unto God, "God, what is fornicate and reproduce?" So God explained very patiently unto Adam exactly what fornicate and reproduce were. Then God commanded Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve, now go and fornicate and reproduce with her". So off went Adam, across the river, up the hill, over the ridge and into the cave and met the woman called Eve. Five minutes later he was back. And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a headache?"
2. A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very angry voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: One - The bartender is a blonde girl. Two - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Three - I'm a six-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Four - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. Five - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
3. One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said. "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't meanÖ" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
4. Two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, are upstairs in their bedroom one morning. "You know what?", says the seven-year-old. "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval, so the seven-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?" "Okay, okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. So they go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh s**t Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." THWACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops."
5. A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
I should really take the time to read these jokes more often :D
Yes, a good selection of jokes today! And all are funny except for one. :D